I honestly should be the happiest girl in the world! I am healthy, I have a great relationship with my family whom are all still alive and well, a good group of friends and am currently travelling around some of the most beautiful places in the world.
Why can't I just take in and enjoy the moment and be happy? Why am I constantly searching for more?
I first left to go travelling after a break up and it was the best thing I ever did so naturally after returning home, I wanted to go again, so I did.
But then I met a guy before I left, and although I thought he was great at first as you can read in my previous posts here he actually turned out to be a total arse and has head fucked me more than anything else.
As much as I can't stop thinking about him, I know I am better off without and he probably wouldn't have made me happy in the long run (plus my friends really dislike him - when I find 'the one' my friends and family will have to love him). But it did get me thinking about my future a lot.
I will be 28 shortly after I return home and I find myself becoming increasingly broody. Although I am lucky to have everything I mentioned above, I also feel like I have nothing.
No job, no money no security! No Boyfriend. I blame society, why do we have to be defined by how much we have achieved by a certain age, or relationship status? It is emotionally draining and a totally detrimental and outdated attitude towards women.
I know I am not the only one to feel this way among my friends either. So why do we still have these expectations.
I am trying so hard to enjoy myself - take in each moment and new experience but I can't get rid of that little voice in the back of my head - as though I am judging myself and it is making me so unhappy.
At times I blame the stupid boy, but I do believe happiness is a choice and you can't rely on other people to make you truly happy, so why is it so bloody hard?
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
There's a boy, I know...
Ok, before I carried away with Whitney Houston let me explain the situation.
The 2 night stand turned into a regular night stand in the run up to my year (maybe longer) trip to Australia, it was all very bittersweet.
Although we didn't see each other much after the second night, we spoke constantly like every day. He sourced a high end but cheap laptop for me to take on my travels, I sent him a nice bottle of wine to say thank you and Merry Christmas. A week before I left he came to my Birthday night out and met all my friends, which was when he told me
'If you wasn't going away I would've made you my Girlfriend by now, I'm really going to miss you and that's why I refused to see you after the second night stand as it would make it harder'
Needless to say I went home with him that night and didn't leave till gone 7pm the next evening. We just spent the day sleeping, cuddling, and laughing and taking the piss out of each other.
As I started to pack my bags on the evening of my Birthday I cried for hours as reality hit, and it dawned on me I really do like him and am going to miss him a lot. I can't even explain why I like him; We just get on so well.
He makes me laugh, we click and we just get each other. Whereas normally I'd hate the way he dresses, I'm not a huge fan of his name, he's not the best looking and he can be a huge player, but I've brushed all those things aside. As they say, 'Make a girl laugh and you can make her do anything'.
On my Birthday night I ended up driving over to his late at night after drying my tears for one final night together, a good bye if you like.
It wasn't the greatest as he was sick, and I was emotionally drained, but I felt I needed to say an official goodbye.
However, now one week into Australia and I have spoken to him every single day, we FaceTime for at least an hour a day. I have spoke to him more than I have my own parents.
Before I took off, we were texting saying we will miss each other, and when I landed he was already face timing me looking sad saying 'Come back' which was heart breaking. I even sent him a Valentines Day card - I've never sent a Valentines Card to anyone in life before. After taking the Piss and putting it on his snapchat story which I feel embarrassed me, but at the same time was kind of nice he is letting people know - I know he talks to his friends about me because he tells me. He's now told me he has displayed it on the fridge which is nice I suppose.
I am just so confused, and don't know what to do and I feel like it is holding me back from settling in properly here and from having a good time.
I told him I would never not go over a man or relationship and he understood and said he would not stop me from going or following my dreams. But when he says things like come back, it tugs at my heart and almost feels manipulative.
Living with a group of boys they can give good advice from their perspective, as one said 'If you went back, he probably wouldn't want to know' to which I told him and he laughed and agreed it's probably true.
I know I have to give myself a good 6 months here at least, I don't expect him to 'wait for me' and if the opportunity arose to sleep with a really fit Aussie I wouldn't want to turn it down, but the frame of mind I am currently in I am probably giving of 'Don't approach me' vibes.
I love talking to him everyday and know I will miss it if we stop, but I don't know whether to cool it down a bit, maybe to once a week. Even though it just feels so natural and not forced at all... And we are so honest with each other, he's told me about his past relationship's, or when girls message him. In reference to one this week he said 'I'd rather you over her any day'
All of this has me thinking could he be the one?