Why can't I be happy?

I honestly should be the happiest girl in the world! I am healthy, I have a great relationship with my family whom are all still alive and well, a good group of friends and am currently travelling around some of the most beautiful places in the world.

Why can't I just take in and enjoy the moment and be happy? Why am I constantly searching for more?
I first left to go travelling after a break up and it was the best thing I ever did so naturally after returning home, I wanted to go again, so I did.

But then I met a guy before I left, and although I thought he was great at first as you can read in my previous posts here  he actually turned out to be a total arse and has head fucked me more than anything else.

As much as I can't stop thinking about him, I know I am better off without and he probably wouldn't have made me happy in the long run (plus my friends really dislike him - when I find 'the one' my friends and family will have to love him). But it did get me thinking about my future a lot.

I will be 28 shortly after I return home and I find myself becoming increasingly broody. Although I am lucky to have everything I mentioned above, I also feel like I have nothing.

No job, no money no security! No Boyfriend. I blame society, why do we have to be defined by how much we have achieved by a certain age, or relationship status? It is emotionally draining and a totally detrimental and outdated attitude towards women.
I know I am not the only one to feel this way among my friends either. So why do we still have these expectations.

I am trying so hard to enjoy myself - take in each moment and new experience but I can't get rid of that little voice in the back of my head - as though I am judging myself and it is making me so unhappy.

At times I blame the stupid boy, but I do believe happiness is a choice and you can't rely on other people to make you truly happy, so why is it so bloody hard?

Love, Travel & Finding yourself - an update of the last six months.

Wow! It's been a while since I updated this blog. 

At the beginning of the year I went off on my little travelling adventure and hand on heart it was the best decision I ever made. I had the most amazing experience and miss it so much I plan to go away again next year as soon as I find the funds. 

I wouldn't say I've changed but perhaps my outlook and perception on life has. I've grown up and found myself a bit more. Before I went I was lost and confused, and although I've had a few wobbly days since returning I'm trying to keep this frame of mind. 

Life is too short, if you want to do something then do it. You'll always find a way to make things work. Worrying about what other people think is a waste of time. 

Any lovers? A couple, but when travelling and you have flights to catch and places to be the next day it's hard to stay in touch. 

There was the toy boy from Isle of Wight who left for Cambodia the next day, and we didn't swap numbers unfortunately, he was so good looking and had the HUGEST penis I've ever come into contact with - I am going to a festival in September though in Isle of Wight so if we see each other then it's fate. 

And then the Australian who was also VERY good looking but I think he may be Bi as he does have some gay tendencies. I left for Hong Kong the next day but we are still in touch a little bit and who ever knows we could meet up again when I take a trip over there the next year. 

Although they were just one night stand holiday romances both were such lovely boys. 

I'm still loving single life but maybe wouldn't mind finding someone to hang out with, not to necessarily settle down with but someone who's there for the long run and wants to explore the world with me. 

I am so much happier and in a better place than I was last year and long may it continue. 

Onwards and Upwards

I've already posted a 2014 reflection but I feel I still have a few things to put to bed. 

Yesterday a friend phoned to inform me that the Lobster was pregnant with married girl (last I heard her divorce hadn't even been finalised). It was a little shocking to say the least and I kind of just felt numb. 

I didn't really know what to do or say so I opened a bottle of Prosecco before midday still in my pyjamas with my best friend (not to celebrate but because it's my favourite drink). We sat, we talked, we analysed. 

I took a shower and tried to cry but I couldn't. 

How are you meant to feel in this situation? I don't know. 

The fact is I don't know that person anymore, it doesn't mean anything to me. I did have some lovely memories but they became tarnished when we fell out. 

It is not going to have any effect on my life what so ever. I've distanced myself from that crowd and I'm leaving for my adventure soon. 

But kids though? I know I'm nearly 26 but having a baby is the last thing on my list right now and if I was going to do it I would like it to be with the person I am married to (not the one I met on my hen do and am currently shacked up with whilst divorcing my husband whom I was married to for 3 months if that). 

I've seen first hand how much having kids can change your life and it has put me off for a good few years. Many of my friends feel the same but then some of the people I know from my home town have a different outlook on life. They don't seem to have much going on so have a baby. 

Bringing another person into the world does not secure a relationship or make a man love you anymore someone told me and I believe it to be true. I've seen it happen, men cheating whilst they have a family at home. 

There are so many things I want to see and do before I ever settle down and that's what I intend to go and do. I no longer want to focus on the past, the hurt or the people associated with that time in my life. 

I know who the shit stirrers are and the ones who keep watching what I do but I also know who my real friends are and that's all that matters. 

As much as it's been an on-going topic full of unbelievable circumstances (you honestly couldn't make this shit up) regarding the lobster it is now in the past and as much as I have learned from it and how it has shaped me as a person it has no meaning to my current life so will no longer be mentioned. 

Happy New Year xoxoxo