Why can't I be happy?

I honestly should be the happiest girl in the world! I am healthy, I have a great relationship with my family whom are all still alive and well, a good group of friends and am currently travelling around some of the most beautiful places in the world.

Why can't I just take in and enjoy the moment and be happy? Why am I constantly searching for more?
I first left to go travelling after a break up and it was the best thing I ever did so naturally after returning home, I wanted to go again, so I did.

But then I met a guy before I left, and although I thought he was great at first as you can read in my previous posts here  he actually turned out to be a total arse and has head fucked me more than anything else.

As much as I can't stop thinking about him, I know I am better off without and he probably wouldn't have made me happy in the long run (plus my friends really dislike him - when I find 'the one' my friends and family will have to love him). But it did get me thinking about my future a lot.

I will be 28 shortly after I return home and I find myself becoming increasingly broody. Although I am lucky to have everything I mentioned above, I also feel like I have nothing.

No job, no money no security! No Boyfriend. I blame society, why do we have to be defined by how much we have achieved by a certain age, or relationship status? It is emotionally draining and a totally detrimental and outdated attitude towards women.
I know I am not the only one to feel this way among my friends either. So why do we still have these expectations.

I am trying so hard to enjoy myself - take in each moment and new experience but I can't get rid of that little voice in the back of my head - as though I am judging myself and it is making me so unhappy.

At times I blame the stupid boy, but I do believe happiness is a choice and you can't rely on other people to make you truly happy, so why is it so bloody hard?

Get Out My Head

So I wrote previously about the Second Night Stand situation and how much he was frustrating me.... well it continues. 

We haven't seen each other since that night, but still talk every single day. We both agreed nothing else would happen - I have since been on two dates this week which he knows about, and he was snap chatting me Saturday morning with a random girl in his bed. 

He had sourced through a contact of his a cheap laptop that I can take travelling with me, but then was being really difficult about collecting it. 

I need to cut him out and let it go, he is not providing me with anything. I.e a regular fuck buddy / friend with benefits before I leave or the laptop either now. 

He has got into my head massively, I even spoke to him after my date Saturday night, even though it went well and was lovely I still felt the need to speak to him? I frustrate myself being like this. 

We know of some mutual people, and over the weekend someone asked one of my friends about me and if I was seeing him. I am quite a private person, so mentioned it to him as he has obviously been speaking about me to his friends - it is the only way it could get back to this person! 

However, he turns this all on me - saying I am the one gossiping with my friends bla bla bla. More bickering etc and 'I think it is time to say our goodbyes - good luck with travelling' I just replied with the emoji waving hand as I know he is bound to be in touch sooner or later. My close friend who knows the situation think's he is in to me but won't get too close as he knows I am going away and I have played it too cool with him. Like I don't even get jealous when he goes on dates or snapchats me these random girls. 

It is annoying that he makes me out to be the crazy one.... 

You pest messaged  and pursued me for months

You turned up at my work 

You randomly FaceTime me for half hour chats 

You continuously say you don't want to see me - yet  you wouldn't collect the laptop for me but said you would go with me to collect

The list goes on. 

It is the most confusing situation and I don't know what to think. He is not the greatest looking, he does not say nice things to me (he used to but not anymore) yet I have really let him get to me. So frustrating. AgGgGhHhHh!! 

Writing this I have realised he is actually a bit of a gross person, the way he acts. 

But even so, I find him funny and I enjoy talking to him but maybe it is time to let it go for my own sanity and focus on my other dates. 

Reality Check

I need a reality check... Do you ever meet someone and get totally carried away with your thoughts such as planning your wedding and babies names after your first date? 

I know most girls can are guilty of this (well I hope that it's not just me). 

So the Australian whom I met travelling and mentioned in my previous posts has been playing on my mind A LOT lately. 

I know the chances of seeing him again are pretty slim so there wasn't much contact once I left, but then recently we started speaking again, a few saucy snap chats and talking about how much fun we had, catching up etc. Now I have it bad and feel sad when I don't hear from him. It was him that started up the contact again, and was quite persistent now he's gone really quiet. 

The thing is, I can tell he is a proper ladies man AKA a total player, you only have to take a look at his Instagram to see that he mainly follows pretty girls and the majority of his likes and flirty comments are from girls. And he is very vain, he loves a selfie and he wears Uggs... All of these are traits I hate so why do I like him so much? 

Maybe it's because I know I can't have him, or because he's keeping me on my toes. (Also I'm not really talking to anyone else at the moment). 

This is why one night hook ups are easier when there is no contact afterwards, because then you can't start to like the person. 

The fact is, I thought I would see him again as my plan always was to go Australia next year before I even met him. I mentioned this when we met but haven't bought it up since as I don't want him to think I'm going for him, I'm going for myself. If I go I will infact be staying in the complete opposite side of the country to where he lives.

As it stands at the moment, it's not real or ideal. I'm not expecting him not to meet anyone else and the time difference is a bummer to keep up with. But when I receive a message from him it makes me smile and I find myself waking up in the middle of the night to check my phone for anything from him. 

I'm turning crazy!! 

For now I need to forget he exists and untill I'm in his part of town there really is no real reason for us to speak I guess. 

Reality check received. 

Grown Up Sex

Grown up sex... Cold heartless no feelings drunk sex. 

I've never really experienced this before, however all that changed on Friday. I was out drinking after work and was rather drunk after a few glasses of wine (it don't take me much) when I ran into an old school friend. I grew up with this boy, we went to primary school together, I've known him for as long as I can remember and it has always been a simple platonic friendship nothing more, maybe a little childhood crush but that was it... All of my girl friends in school had a crush on him. 

There is sometimes a bit of flirting but it has always been a banter thing - never have I really thought about him in any other way. After a few drinks and catching up on Friday he then says 'Let's get this sexual tension over with.... let's just do it then never talk about it again' 

In my drunken state I agreed, so I left without telling any of my friends and went back to his. In fits of unbelievable giggles at what I was doing - we did it. It was ok, nothing great but all in all a bit weird. I called a cab pretty much soon after and left like nothing happened. We made a pact that neither of us would mention it to anyone or each other ever again nor would we fall for each other and I can safely say that I never would nor would I want to return for a repeat performance. 

All in all I am a little embarrassed about the whole situation - it makes me cringe more than a turn on. Maybe it's because the local childhood heart-throb has now put on a bit of timber (his body was not great) and was only average in bed - disappointment. 

Who knows? But the fact is I had no feelings sex with no repercussions. This is a real grown up step for me - usually I think about it for weeks afterwards but this is one memory I want to burn away never to be thought of again! 

At least I know I can have no feelings sex now but it's not something I am going to make a habit of that's for sure! 

What's your number?

How many people have you slept with? It's a question that many of us dread for a number of reasons. But does it still matter? 

My number is 5. I always say I'm quite proud that I can count on one hand the amount of people I've slept with, but I also think it's about time I put myself out there to experience a bit more. 

I lost my virginity when I was 14 with my first ever boyfriend, who I went out with till I was 16. 

After that it was a boy I met on my first girls holiday, a little holiday romance that left me devastated when nothing developed on returning home. 

After that I had a 2 1/2 year dry spell, whilst everyone was getting laid at uni I was the opposite focussing on my studies instead. Then came along The Lobster. An on/off, are they, aren't they, friends with benefits situation which again left me devastated when I fell hard, and he wanted nothing more. 

Between him was the one I don't really count, (we all have one) a kind of friend of the lobster who always flirted with me, so whilst we were 'off' and he was seeing another girl I thought I'd go one better and sleep with this guy. It was pretty lame. 

Then the one night stand. And that's my five. 

Whilst having this conversation with the girls the other day we all had different numbers and stories. One friend counted 6, two of whom she had 'recycled' meaning an ex or someone you've slept with before who you then went back to. Whilst the other friend counted 26, only one was a one night stand, the rest she had dated before sleeping with them. 

But does it matter? What would you say if your partner asked you this question? Sex Expert Tracey Cox says that no matter what you answered it's likely it would still be too many to a partner, even if had slept with 300 people. It is thought that the average 30 year old woman has slept with 8-10 people, but then what's the average? 

If my partner told me he'd slept with 100's of women I would hate it. The Lobster told me he had slept with around 15 people, and it made me feel sick. (I have issues I admit that) I don't think it's so much the number that counts but more the thought of your partner sleeping with someone else. 

Thoughts? What's your number and the stories behind them? 

Sexual Harassment In The Workplace

So maybe the title of this post is a little strong for what happened, but hear me out. 

I've recently started a new job, one of my old male contacts got in touch and offered me a position at his company. During the catch up / interview / meeting I congratulated him on his engagement to his long term girlfriend, and he mentioned how she said something that she was paranoid or had facebook stalked me and said 'she has an amazing body' fair enough maybe she did but WHY would you then tell me that? A little bit awkward but I let it pass. 

Anyhow, just two weeks in and a few of us have to visit a client in a different city, when arranging he joked about only booking one hotel room which made me feel very uncomfortable and not sure if it was a joke or not. Turns out only one room was booked and not rectified untill we arrived there. 

We work for the day, discuss his wedding plans then all go out for drinks in the evening (bear in mind I am the only female on this trip). He seemed like a lightweight when it came to keeping up with the other men, whereas I am quite used to drinking with the boys. However when he said let's call it a night, being professional I agreed it was time to get some sleep whilst the big boys stayed out to play. 

So walking down the hotel corridor he begins to say 'come back to my room' which I replied no, walking past his room he continues to walk with me towards mine and said he's staying there, I was like no you're not he then pulls me towards him as if to try and kiss me... I pushed him away instantly shouting 'What the fuck are you doing? You're engaged' and pushed him out of the room. 

Locking the door I was physically shaking, felt sick and on the verge of tears. It was only a phonecall to my friend that calmed me down! It made me feel cheap and dirty and down right furious. I feel violated. What ever made him think that I was interested? I'm not and never have been and I certainly have not led him on in the slightest. 

Am I overreacting here? 

My friend who works in a male dominated industry in the city says I should just brush it off and that the men she works with get drunk and do it all the time. It makes me so angry. 

The next morning I went for breakfast alone, I couldn't bare to speak to him but we then had an awkward 3hour car journey back just the two of us. However, he did mention he was sick when he got in as if that's some excuse or way of saying 'I was really drunk' and tell me 'You look hungover today' Fuck.You. 

I don't see him most days so in the office it's ok, I'm trying to remain as normal and professional as I can be but he literally makes my skin crawl and feel sick everytime I look at him now. I'm just going to suck it up and get on with my job as I am only there till January before I go off on my travels. 3 months and counting! 

Fair to say my man hating level is now off the roof. His poor fiancé. Another woman ending up with a man who don't deserve her. 

I'm Single... Get Me Out Of Here.

Urgh, it's like I take 10 steps forward and 11 back. 

Last week I attended an event in which I knew Lobster and married girl were attending so of course I rocked up looking fucking fabulous, air kissing and schmoozing with everyone without a care in the world. But it was all an act. 

Inside I felt on edge, nervous and shit. And it's left me in a crappy mood for the remainder of this week. Once the night was over I broke down, not because I still want him but because the things he did and said still affect and hurt me. He left me with no confidence, and although I put on a bloody good show I'm not 100% over it. I'm over him, just not the situation. 

So when I was crying (I blame the wine) all my good friends (male and female) were surrounding me trying to make me feel better, saying she hasn't got a patch on me (which I must admit is true) and saying how he's a looser, they're both disgusting for what they've done with their questionable morals and home wrecking ways. 

One friend who sat at the same table for a little while says the girl sat there openly taking about the fact she cheated on her husband with no shame. 

For someone that takes marriage and vows seriously I find this highly offensive whilst the looser sat there without a care in the world. Gross, just gross. 

What's bugging me is that she is befriending a lot of what I would call my friends. Of course it's going to happen, she's moved to this area and doesn't know anyone and I don't think she would have many friends left in her hometown either, but it's really pissed me off. Not that I'm going to let anyone know this fact. 

Tonight it came up on my newsfeed that they are going out with a few other couples whom I know. But I also know that nearly every single one of them boyfriends have cheated... Some not that long ago. So enjoy your night out pretending but we know the truth.

I know I sound really bitter, as I cry into my pizza sitting in on a Friday night, but I find it fucking sickening. I have no faith in love, or men at the moment and I think that breaks my heart more than anything else. 

One Night Stands and Selfies

After a 10 month dry spell (which is nothing by the way... I've gone 2 years dry before) my friends have been telling me to get out there, but I was adamant I would wait until I was ready and last night I was. 

I've been on a few dates, but nothing that even slightly whetted my appetite. However whilst out last night, there was a bit of flirting going on at the bar... And when this particular guy begun whispering dirty things in my ear it was game over for me. I was going over. 

I have never, ever done anything like this before, so at least I can now tick 'One night stand' off on my bucket list. (Please note, whilst it's all fun and games it's not something I would promote, it only dawned on me earlier how dangerous it could be, but my friends knew who I was with and they were at his friends after party) No.1 rule for one night stand... Always tell someone where you are. 

The sex was average, so it will definitely remain a one night stand as it was not that amazing to go back to. He was decent enough, good looking, respectful, we both discussed what we wanted from the evening, and even had a good chat and banter after. 

But it's how I felt after which was the best bit, I felt amazing. Liberated, powerful, free! Feminism and Girl Power. I could do such a thing and have no repercussions. I feel like I've grown from a girl into a woman.  

I wasted all of my early 20's on the lobster that it's only recently I've actually started living and gaining these life experiences. I am having so much fun!! 

I even handed my notice in at work as I believe life is too short to be unhappy. If you don't like something, make a change. 

I am now so confident and comfortable with myself and my choices and who I am as a person in general. I think this shows on dates, I can be silly and be myself and my new thing is to take a silly selfie with my date to send to friends. And one night stand guy was more than happy to oblige, in fact he even suggested it first, which has scored me huge cocktail points with the girls. 

D Day... An open letter.

Last week, 25th June, marked 6 months till Christmas. However I counted it as six months since last Christmas. 

The day when it felt like my heart had shattered into a tiny million pieces. 

It was clearly marked in my diary... Some point during the weeks after that awful day I had set the date as my D Day. If I still felt the same by this set date, I would contact the Lobster. Thank Fuck, I managed to get over it before this date came around. 

The last six months, have been some of the most funniest, random and happiest moments I've had, even after the emotional turmoil I thought would never end. It's true what they say, that time is a great healer. I feel like I needed to go through that pain to find myself, to get to know and realise who I am and what I want and what I am willing to stand for and put up with in a relationship. (With a little help from my friends, sister and a few therapy sessions). 

Sometime's it's not the person you can't get over, but the hurtful things they did and said. 

So here's my open letter; 

There has been a million scenarios in my head in which I have planned as to what I would say to you if I saw you, but when I did there was nothing to say. Looking at you made me feel empty inside. You looked sad and slightly ashamed, it didn't make me gloat or feel sad or feel better. Just nothing. You had sucked and drained me of every emotion possible, there was nothing left. You were just a stranger in a room.

 You also looked homeless and not in a chic way. 

No one has ever caused me so much pain or hurt me as deep as you have. 

Yes, I could give as good as I got, and would call you a Cunt on a regular basis, but if you wasn't so Cunty I wouldn't have had to call you one. I only ever wanted to hurt you back as much as you hurt me, because deep down although I never admitted it or said it out loud,I loved you. I. Loved. You. (It took a lot of therapy to get that out). 

 Normal people don't go around destroying other human beings. That's how I felt that day. Destroyed. 

It's not just my feelings you destroyed. I dread to think of those you hurt along the way in shacking up with you're girlfriend whom you met on her Hen Party (at one of the worst clubs I have ever been to) after 3 months of marriage? Classy. I do still sometimes look at what you're up to, but more out of curiosity than anything.

I have learnt to accept you will never grow some balls and apologise, but that's fine by me. I've gained friends, whilst you've lost the great ones we shared. 

I have nothing at all else to say, but I hope you know what it feels to have felt like that day. Some day. One day. 

The Perfect Opportunity... But I'll Pass Thanks.

On Saturday evening I went out for dinner and drinks with an old school friend of mine who recently ended her 7 year relationship and engagement and our wonderful gay friend and his lovely boyfriend. 

After a lovely dinner and a few civilised drinks, the lovers decided to go home for an early night so us single girls were left to our own devices.... So we went to the club. 

After a few cringey chat up lines such as "Look at my new 4grand watch.... I bought a new Range Rover today" (#OnlyInEssex) My response was to laugh, tell him to Fuck Off and get really drunk in able to cope with the sort of night it was going to be. 

Anyhow, my friend had her eye on someone so we made our way over. 

Cut a long story short, we ended up going back to a random boys mansion, with heated pools, saunas and steam room, however I wasn't impressed that we wasn't even offered a cup of tea or even an alcoholic beverage for that matter. What sort of after party was this?!? 

So we headed back to my friends with her beau and his friend in tow. After getting in and having and a cup of tea finally... It was 5:30 by now. It was obvious my friend was hitting it off with her guy so I was left awkwardly with the annoying friend. 

Embarrassingly I was sick (as usual) before bed and all I wanted to do was sleep. 

So when this guy starts hugging me tightly and trying to spoon me and rub my body I politely (abruptly) told him... 'STOP THAT. Get off me please'

I was in bed with a guy for the first time in  9 months. It was my perfect opportunity to get under someone to get over someone, to loose my born again virginity but I just was not feeling it at all. Plus he was 5 years my junior... I probably would have scared the poor boy to death. 

I think you know when you know, therefore I am going to wait for when I know it's right and not just sleep with someone for the sake of it. 

In the meantime I better top up on batteries. Ha. 

The 'L' Word and How To Get Over It

"Don't drink wine, you only turn it into tears" someone once said.... Or in my case any form of Alcohol. 

So, I was out enjoying a few cocktails with the girls for one of their Birthdays last night, when we get a telephone call from our male friends saying they would like to come meet us. Mutual friends of The Lobster. Instantly I felt my heart drop to the pit of my stomach... is there just no escaping him?

This fear soon turned to anger when over the telephone they asked my friend that if I can forgive him, The Lobster will come too. 

Thankfully my friend had my back and told him outright NO! 

I can't believe the audacity of him, he knows he has done wrong but is still not man enough to apologise to me. 

As the drinks continued to flow so did the conversation... about him unfortunately. The drunken chats led to me in tears having a break down in the toilet. One of my good male friends (and a friend of his too) said 'Just admit it, you loved him didn't you'. 

It's something I have always denied, I would say it is more of an infatuation, but the fact that I am still hurting, that I cry at least 3 times a week, and can't get over it, then maybe I did love him in my own way. 

I don't think his friends understood why I was so angry and hurt, so I told them about the messages on Christmas Eve, and even they were shocked with his very best friend saying 'I've got the hump with him for how much he has upset you' which felt very sweet. 

I also thought I would throw in the fact that there were several occasions when he would cum in his pants whilst we was kissing... I mean I know I'm good, but really? Ultimate betrayal to embarrass him but I don't care. 

Back to the important issue.... How am I going to get over this? Yes, I am upset that he has his new silly little married girlfriend but the issue is still there has no been apology. 

I am going to give up waiting for an apology that will never come... If he can say things like that, he was never my friend to begin with. 

It all comes down to remembering your worth and praying that karma really is a bitch. 

Any self help tips out there on how to get over someone? Please send. 

I Have A Date... A REAL LIFE DATE.

How can so much change within the space of a week?

I admit, I spent most of the day last Thursday crying when my worse fear's were confirmed that the lobster was seeing a married girl. Crying on the train to work, crying at my desk, crying on my lunch break. I didn't even pretend to hide it in the end. 

However, I feel it was for the best, I needed to cry the remainder of my feelings for him out, as by Friday I was a changed woman (I am not bi-polar. I swear) and ready to move on. 

Whilst out for city drinks Friday my friend convinced me to get Tinder, I have previously been dead against it but after playing around with it and getting quite a few matches, I'll say it is a confidence booster more than anything else. The conversation on there has been pretty dry. But whilst out, I began to look at men a little differently, as in checking them out which is so not me! 

Moving on to Saturday, I had my Godson's birthday and come early evening when the kids had all left / gone to bed the adults can begin to get tipsy and not get judged.

Some of us moved on the pub where my good friend informed me his friend likes me... I don't take compliments well and was unsure but with a little peer pressure from my friends we spoke throughout the night, swapped numbers and have been texting.... and the best bit.

I HAVE A DATE FRIDAY NIGHT. 

So far I have only heard good things about him, he seems nice, texts everyday and sends the first text and wants to take me out. The Lobster never done anything nice for me.... (I think it will be a while till I stop making comparisons) 

I am not sure if I really fancy him yet, but I am giving it a chance, which I never normally do. 

I am officially on my way to moving on and feeling positive about it. 

Now.... What to wear???? 

You Get What You Expect...

In one of our many over-analysing conversations a friend of mine said "You only get what you expect" and I think she may have a point. 

If I think back, after learning I was never going to get what I wanted from the Lobster I regretfully and now embarrassingly accepted his behaviour as normal, therefore not expecting much thus not receiving much. 

It's a mad old theory, but I think there may be method in the madness. 

If you don't expect him to text back he probably wont. 

If you don't expect him to take you out and treat you with respect he probably wont. 

If you don't expect much he will give you as little as possible. 

So expect the world and if he refuses to give you this... Walk away. 

You may be left disappointed but at least you'll have your dignity. 

Know your worth and don't let anyone treat you less. 

Back to Black... Remembering The Bad Times

So I had my suspicions the Lobster was seeing someone, he told me so himself but I didn't take much notice. 

However, I saw some friends of his last night who informed me of the girls name and that she is not local ( I have an idea who it might be) and it kinda bummed me out for the following reasons;

1. - She's not local. Typical commitment phobic behaviour, going for someone that is not that available / wont last. I have seen him have a long distance relationship previously. 

2. He has pursued someone else. He never put in any effort for me. What was wrong with me? Was I not worth it?

3. I miss him. I just want my friend back. Even though he has not apologised for the hurtful words and vile behaviour at christmas. 

I know, I get it right. 

HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. 

But that doesn't stop it from hurting. 

When I finally called a day on our situation I felt ok, it was on my terms I knew it wasn't getting me anywhere, but since hearing that he has moved on and is seeing someone else it has really thrown me. It don't help that I myself have not met anyone, I don't even feel remotely ready to yet. 

I have spent today in a black mood, feeling sorry for myself very Bridget Jones style, thinking how much I miss him, but do I actually really want him or not?

The thing is, we forget the bad stuff ever happened and look back fondly on the good times, but things ended for a reason. I need to remember the countless times I cried myself to sleep, had sleepless nights due to stress and how low and worthless he actually made me feel most of the time. 

So if you have ever been in a similar position repeat after me...

I.DESERVE.BETTER. 

2013.... The Year of Break Ups.

2013 seems to have been a rocky year for everyone relationship wise in my friendship circle. 

There's me and my unhealthy and on/off disastrous relationship (if you could even call it that) with the Lobster. I am a million per cent not going back there after the Christmas Eve texts. I mean it this time. 

Then there's the friend who had the whirlwind romance with the control freak chav.... we all gladly let out a sigh of relief when that one didn't work out. 

And then the one that hit us all hard... This couple - and we all have these couples - was my rock. The ones who I secretly envied with their lovely home and children and families. Both were my best friends, I would often go round there to moan and cry about my own dysfunctional relationship. 'Why?' we call cried when we heard, but these things happen for a reason. 

But through all our up's and downs us girls have stuck together and it has taught us the grass is not always greener on the other side. 

Sometimes it's better to wait for the right relationship than being in the wrong one. 

So here's to the 2014... from the Smug Singeltons. 

Don't forget, it's not just us mere mortals that have experienced the pain of heartbreak this year.... See these celebrities who also split this year. 

Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom 

It all happened very quickly but we did not see this one coming, with rumours of cheating and crack cocaine addictions... then 'that' video this just gets weirder. My heart goes out to Khloe, my favourite Kardashian. 

 Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez

A little  boy with A LOT of growing up to do it appears. 

Kris and Bruce Jenner

One that didn't surprise us but still did not see it coming. 

 Rihanna and Chris Brown. Again. 

Another dysfunctional relationship.... Played out on social media for all to see. Someone as feisty as RiRi should not allow any man to treat her the way Brown did. 

 Mirander Kerr and Orlando Bloom

'The Rock Couple' you did not expect to split :( 

Am I Booty Call?

I am absolutely awful at getting to know new people, but under the influence of alcohol I allowed my friend to set me up with a friend of hers whilst we were out. 

It ended in some drunk snogging (totally not me... I'm very much against PDA's) and swapping numbers. 

My friend says very good things about him, but he only texts me at weekends and at night when he is out which gives me the impression he is just after a 'booty call'.   

After five years of a similar situation with the Lobster I have no intentions of being played or treated like that again. 

Not unless it's me making the call. 

But going back to this guy, after stalking him on facebook I'm totes not bovs as I am not feeling him at all. 

I have a feeling I am going to remain single for quite some time. 

One Week Post Lobster

I am going to try to keep this blog anonymous as much as possible so I'll explain who the 'Lobster' is...

The Lobster is the one you always keep going back to (Phoebe Buffay in 'Friends' once used the expression referring to  to Ross and Rachel's relationship). 

Anyhow, the situation with my lobster has been going on for about five years. 

Five years where he has never wanted to commit, five years of your parents asking you whats going on and not being able to explain, five years of never knowing where you stand, five years without so much as a birthday card or Christmas present. Five years of give, give, give with little in return. 

To make things more awkward, lobster is in my friendship group which is why it has probably gone on so long. 

I / we have said we are going to stop this ridiculous situation on numerous occasions, but we always seem to end up back in bed together. And after five years I am embarrassed. Embarrassed that I have allowed myself to be treated in such a way and let it happen time and time again. 

Dont get me wrong, I have a lot of love for the Lobster, but it is never going to be how I want or have daydreamed about. 

Even my friends don't take me seriously anymore when I tell them I'm putting a stop to it. 

Time for me to get out there... I want to meet husband material soon. 

Mid-twenties... Clocks ticking and all that. 

I have only cried once or twice this week which is good going for me. 

Let's see how long I can go without falling back in the Lobsters claws this time.