Why can't I be happy?

I honestly should be the happiest girl in the world! I am healthy, I have a great relationship with my family whom are all still alive and well, a good group of friends and am currently travelling around some of the most beautiful places in the world.

Why can't I just take in and enjoy the moment and be happy? Why am I constantly searching for more?
I first left to go travelling after a break up and it was the best thing I ever did so naturally after returning home, I wanted to go again, so I did.

But then I met a guy before I left, and although I thought he was great at first as you can read in my previous posts here  he actually turned out to be a total arse and has head fucked me more than anything else.

As much as I can't stop thinking about him, I know I am better off without and he probably wouldn't have made me happy in the long run (plus my friends really dislike him - when I find 'the one' my friends and family will have to love him). But it did get me thinking about my future a lot.

I will be 28 shortly after I return home and I find myself becoming increasingly broody. Although I am lucky to have everything I mentioned above, I also feel like I have nothing.

No job, no money no security! No Boyfriend. I blame society, why do we have to be defined by how much we have achieved by a certain age, or relationship status? It is emotionally draining and a totally detrimental and outdated attitude towards women.
I know I am not the only one to feel this way among my friends either. So why do we still have these expectations.

I am trying so hard to enjoy myself - take in each moment and new experience but I can't get rid of that little voice in the back of my head - as though I am judging myself and it is making me so unhappy.

At times I blame the stupid boy, but I do believe happiness is a choice and you can't rely on other people to make you truly happy, so why is it so bloody hard?

Reality Check

I need a reality check... Do you ever meet someone and get totally carried away with your thoughts such as planning your wedding and babies names after your first date? 

I know most girls can are guilty of this (well I hope that it's not just me). 

So the Australian whom I met travelling and mentioned in my previous posts has been playing on my mind A LOT lately. 

I know the chances of seeing him again are pretty slim so there wasn't much contact once I left, but then recently we started speaking again, a few saucy snap chats and talking about how much fun we had, catching up etc. Now I have it bad and feel sad when I don't hear from him. It was him that started up the contact again, and was quite persistent now he's gone really quiet. 

The thing is, I can tell he is a proper ladies man AKA a total player, you only have to take a look at his Instagram to see that he mainly follows pretty girls and the majority of his likes and flirty comments are from girls. And he is very vain, he loves a selfie and he wears Uggs... All of these are traits I hate so why do I like him so much? 

Maybe it's because I know I can't have him, or because he's keeping me on my toes. (Also I'm not really talking to anyone else at the moment). 

This is why one night hook ups are easier when there is no contact afterwards, because then you can't start to like the person. 

The fact is, I thought I would see him again as my plan always was to go Australia next year before I even met him. I mentioned this when we met but haven't bought it up since as I don't want him to think I'm going for him, I'm going for myself. If I go I will infact be staying in the complete opposite side of the country to where he lives.

As it stands at the moment, it's not real or ideal. I'm not expecting him not to meet anyone else and the time difference is a bummer to keep up with. But when I receive a message from him it makes me smile and I find myself waking up in the middle of the night to check my phone for anything from him. 

I'm turning crazy!! 

For now I need to forget he exists and untill I'm in his part of town there really is no real reason for us to speak I guess. 

Reality check received. 

Secret Identity

I have always said I would keep this blog as anonymous as possible, however I have a sneaking suspicion I've been sussed (and I always trust my gut instinct, it serves me well and is right 99% of the time). 

My first thoughts when I realised someone was on to me was SHIT! Sheer Panic. But then I let it sink in, and thought actually fuck it. I have nothing to be ashamed of, I may come across as a bit of a Cunt in some posts but everything I write about is how I feel or felt at that certain time in my life. 

Writing for me is a form of therapy, it always has been. Whilst a bit of a exhibitionist I can also be quite introvert (typical Aquarian) and enjoy nothing more than shutting myself away to read or write. So whilst writing has been an escape and somewhere to explore and understand my feelings, some posts may have been written off the cuff, in anger, despair, drunk or hungover. 

All I ask is that if you are going to read it, (Hiya - I know who you are and it's quite a compliment you actually read and found your way here) then please don't judge me until you have read every single post from the beginning, here I will even link it for you so it is easier for you to get to. (CLICK HERE) 

Wearing my heart on my sleeve is what has got me here and I am not going to stop now. 

I also ask that you don't talk about it openly - like the best things in life, let people discover it for themselves if they want to. 

As a girl I trust you'll view things from a woman's perspective and have the decency to respect it. 

Sorry I was too good for you.

It's a year today when I finally said 'I'm done'. 

After returning from Ibiza (my spiritual home) I realised enough was enough, it was on good terms until the explosive venomous arguement at Christmas happened which then led to therapy. But I'm in a good place now and I've learnt so much (especially about myself). 

Taking a step back and looking at the situation from a different view you see things much clearer. 

And I know you shouldn't do it but even comparing myself to the new girlfriend ( the one he met on her Hen Do, she got married, now they live together. Like you do.) I can see why it would have never worked out. My friends always said it but now I understand. He was intimidated by me. 

I'm educated, fun, confident, have a large group of different but good friends, I get to go to great events and mix with some amazing people, I get on with everyone, most people like me, I can be a little high-maintenance or spoilt at times, I love going out, and always try to make the best of myself and I wouldn't change myself easily for anyone. But I almost did. 

Not to be mean but looking at the new girlfriend I can see why he likes her, she's quiet, plain, basic, not many friends,  awful dress sense and follows him round like a lost puppy. He wants someone that makes him feel better about himself, someone he can control, someone a level below him that will look up to him and idolise him. The fact that she has now moved in with him having not even knowing each other a year, away from her family and friends says it all. 

Seeing pictures of her and seeing her out I actually feel a little bit sorry for her, trying to make new friends with everyone and just looking plain awkward. It can't be nice. 

I know sometimes relationships and marriage just don't work out but throwing it all away without really trying for some idiot who charmed you on one of your last nights of freedom (as exciting as it must of been) seems like a waste and I hope it's a descision the poor young, foolish girl doesn't live to regret. 

And I'm sorry (not really) that I was too good for you. 

Independent Woman

'All my women who independent, throw your hands up at me' - I'm sure I'm not the only one who spent their teen years singing along to this Destiny's Child song along with the rest of the 'Writings on the wall' album which was all about strong women and not relying on a man.... But what happens when you become too independent? Or too used to being on your own? 

I love my little life, my little bubble. I've recently been talking to a guy, a friend of a friend (we plan to meet up for a drink this Friday) he seems like a good one, funny, quite good looking, texts me first etc etc....

However, this is where I get freaked out. He's not a bug-a-boo at all.... Yet anyway. But he will text me most days, general chit chat, and he calls too. 

There's nothing wrong this I know, it's nice. But I feel I have got so used to be being on my own and not having to reply or answer to people that I start to ignore him, I don't mean to do it on purpose and I don't want to loose him before I've even got him but I'm finding it hard. 

All my friends have told me I need to be more accessible as I'm becoming known as the girl who's too high maintenance and too much hard work (even though I quite like that title). 

I feel like I am stuck in the lobster days, where he would ignore me or say I was bugging him by calling for a chat that I am now the total opposite. 

My experience with him has made me quite reserved, whereas I should be more open towards people. 

As my friend and fellow blogger @27Single told me "If you made yourself any more unavailable you wouldn't exist".

The Consequences of being a Party Girl

I have had such a fun bank holiday weekend but I am well and truly feeling the effects of it today.

Since the road to recovery of my broken heart began I have been enjoying going out and getting drunk with my girls a lot more, but it's not just the physical effects that are catching up on me... The hangovers, the bloating, sickness, and break outs, it's also been an eye opener. 

This weekend I was out with my guy and girl friends... (Lobster who was in attendance and we did a fabulous job of ignoring each other, although there were a few awkward moments when we caught eye contact. I had a fab night singing and dancing while he was left looking awkward standing on his own on many occasions throughout the night. HA) 

Anyhow, when it came to the end of the night one of the guys who has a girlfriend and a new born baby begins flirting of sorts with a friend of a friend. 

She's single and fully allowed to choose who she sleeps with. But what annoyed me is the lengths this guy was going to to cover his lieing cheating arse. 

Telling her a fake name, whilst telling me to 'shut up' and basically getting his story straight with me that if anyone asks me I should say that he was never at the the afterparty we went back to... Almost like blackmail as I know he's not a very nice person and he would probably turn nasty if I ever breathed a word. 

Although it's totally wrong, it's not my business to say anything. I don't know the girlfriend in question well enough to get involved, and she probably wouldn't believe me anyway. If she was one of my good friends I wouldn't hesitate to expose him. 

The guys at the after party were actually scared of me calling me a 'Dangerous Girl' as 'I know too much'. 

The fact is, I am a nice girl, a real girls girl and I get on with most people, boys and girls. I'm friends with a lot of the boys but I've never slept with any of them (apart from the Lobster and we all know how that turned out). 

What makes it worse, is this guy is all over social media stating how much he loves his girlfriend and posting adorable photos of his baby, which I don't doubt for a second so why the hell cheat?! 

So as much as I love being a party girl, it has done very little to restore my faith in men... In fact I think I have completely lost it.

However, it is a lesson noted for when I do settle down. 

Dates and Relapses

So a few weeks ago whilst out with the girls I got chatting to someone, he was a cool guy with interesting conversation and after a little kiss at the end of the night we swapped numbers. 

I wasn't too keen but under a lot of peer pressure from my friends to get out there I thought I'd give it a go. 

So I did, I went on a date last Monday. Just a few drinks in a cocktail bar. It wasn't bad but it wasn't amazing either. Conversation flowed, he didn't seem a total douche but just not for me. I didn't fancy him and I didn't like what he was wearing. That's usually enough for me. I could go out with him again but surely I would just be wasting my time and his? 

You could say I'm not giving myself or him a chance but I feel like when I know, I know. 

After getting tipsy on a few cocktails I was even telling him awful embarrassing stories to put him off. It obviously didn't work, so now I'm in that awkward cooling off period, avoiding whattsapp and texting back short replies in the hope he will pick up these subtle hints. 

I also feel like I've given Amy Winehouse (god bless her soul) a run for her money in partying the last two weeks so was looking forward to a chilled weekend this weekend. However, whenever I have too much time on my hands the same thing happens... I think too much and that can be dangerous. 

Yesterday I logged onto Facebook and although we are not 'friends' anymore (I deleted him at Christmas) I was looking at old photos of the Lobster and I together. I was looking at them fondly, he was such a big part of my life and we had so much fun together... Then reality hits and it feels a bit shit. 

Now I am shedding a tear. Only a little one, the first tear that's fallen since I saw him with married girl last week. 

Screw this, I'm going for a run and to do my better butt workout. Xoxoxo 

Setting My Moving On Goals

'What do you want to achieve from this?' my therapist replied to me during our first session last week when I asked how do I know when I have had enough. 

This made me think, there are several factors really; 

1 - To be able to control my emotions

 (I would hate to be an emotional mess if I ever do run into the lobster one day. I have too much pride to give anything away. I don't want him to know how much he has hurt me and how that has affected me)

2 - To stop dwelling on the past

3 - To just generally get over it and move on.  

So how do you achieve this? I am yet to figure it out, and hope we will work through on this in this weeks session. 

Last week we acknowledged a few things such as I never once mentioned the 'L' word. Love.  I am not sure if I ever was in 'love' with him. I would never say that word due to the fear of being rejected. But maybe I did?

I have also come to face the fact that, yes it really has hurt and upset me and that it is okay to feel this way. It is better to let it out rather than bury it. 

The final thing was that, I built him up to be this person that he wasn't and to sum it up I was potentially in love with a person that never existed. He is not the person I thought he was or made him out to be. 

I am intrigued to see how we move on from here now, and interested in what she has to say this week.

In other news, my tinder date blew me out. I wasn't too fussed, but still a little bit disappointed. 

I have also been spending time with my friend who has her own lobster situation with a bad apple. I can see myself in her and history repeating itself and she knows this too. 

The sad thing is watching her makes me miss my lobster, to see how happy and excited it makes her when she see's or speaks to him. 

I need some more dates. 

I'm in Therapy...

When I started the Single Girl's Diary Blog and Twitter  it was meant to be all the fun and exciting stories us Single Girls get up to, of course it is going to be a case of swings and round about's and there are moments that are not that fun. However recently, with revelations of The Lobster''s new relationship  emerging, I have been feeling rather sad and have noticed this in my posts too. 

The fact is, I don't want to be that person that sit's and dwells and obsesses about their ex and what could have been - So, I booked myself into therapy. 

A little dramatic? Maybe. I know therapy is big and considered the norm in the states, but I am not some high flying yank with issues. I am just a heartbroken girl from the London Suburbs trying to move on.

Scoff at this all you want, but I feel more positive already. (and I should bloody hope so for the amount it costs) Sometimes you just need that person to tell you what you are feeling is totally normal. 

So here's to moving on, along with a few self help books (The Rules Of Life by Richard Templar and The Secret by Rhonda Byrne have both been highly recommended to me) a Yoga trip to Ibiza (my spiritual homeland) and a few bottles of wine and great friends, I will get there. 

Also, did I mention, I have my first Tinder date tonight?

He has great stats from what I know, he went to Oxford University, and works as a PR Manager. 

Blog Post to follow on how it goes. Eeeek!!! 

The 'L' Word and How To Get Over It

"Don't drink wine, you only turn it into tears" someone once said.... Or in my case any form of Alcohol. 

So, I was out enjoying a few cocktails with the girls for one of their Birthdays last night, when we get a telephone call from our male friends saying they would like to come meet us. Mutual friends of The Lobster. Instantly I felt my heart drop to the pit of my stomach... is there just no escaping him?

This fear soon turned to anger when over the telephone they asked my friend that if I can forgive him, The Lobster will come too. 

Thankfully my friend had my back and told him outright NO! 

I can't believe the audacity of him, he knows he has done wrong but is still not man enough to apologise to me. 

As the drinks continued to flow so did the conversation... about him unfortunately. The drunken chats led to me in tears having a break down in the toilet. One of my good male friends (and a friend of his too) said 'Just admit it, you loved him didn't you'. 

It's something I have always denied, I would say it is more of an infatuation, but the fact that I am still hurting, that I cry at least 3 times a week, and can't get over it, then maybe I did love him in my own way. 

I don't think his friends understood why I was so angry and hurt, so I told them about the messages on Christmas Eve, and even they were shocked with his very best friend saying 'I've got the hump with him for how much he has upset you' which felt very sweet. 

I also thought I would throw in the fact that there were several occasions when he would cum in his pants whilst we was kissing... I mean I know I'm good, but really? Ultimate betrayal to embarrass him but I don't care. 

Back to the important issue.... How am I going to get over this? Yes, I am upset that he has his new silly little married girlfriend but the issue is still there has no been apology. 

I am going to give up waiting for an apology that will never come... If he can say things like that, he was never my friend to begin with. 

It all comes down to remembering your worth and praying that karma really is a bitch. 

Any self help tips out there on how to get over someone? Please send. 

I Am Officially 'Dating'

So off I went on my date last week, a little nervous, and although I didn't really fancy him I had a lovely evening. 

He picked me up in a cab, held doors open and paid for everything. 

There were a few hiccups, he mentioned his ex in passing a few times, told me some things about his past I'd rather not know, and kept mentioning how skint  he was (sure way to make me feel awkward when the bill arrived) but to be honest because I wasn't that into him I was just enjoying the free dinner and cocktails. 

He want's to go out again, and has suggested some nice places so I am tempted to go just because I do like the place he suggested... Would that be leading him on?

Probably. But oh well. 

I also reluctantly downloaded Tinder after my friend convinced me, I'm not into casual hook-up's or one night stands so was a bit apprehensive as I have heard a few stories and assume that's all people go on there for... But I would say it's a huge confidence boost.

I have been talking to a few guys that seem 'decent' and have even swapped numbers with one. 

After so much upset the last year, I think its time I got back out there, even if it just to be wined and dined. 

As my younger, prettier and sometimes wiser sister told me 'At your age, you shouldn't waste time or settle for anyone, unless you can see yourself marrying them'

So I can now say I am officially dating until I find the one.... Because I'm not going to find him sitting at home watching Eastender's now am I? 

I Have A Date... A REAL LIFE DATE.

How can so much change within the space of a week?

I admit, I spent most of the day last Thursday crying when my worse fear's were confirmed that the lobster was seeing a married girl. Crying on the train to work, crying at my desk, crying on my lunch break. I didn't even pretend to hide it in the end. 

However, I feel it was for the best, I needed to cry the remainder of my feelings for him out, as by Friday I was a changed woman (I am not bi-polar. I swear) and ready to move on. 

Whilst out for city drinks Friday my friend convinced me to get Tinder, I have previously been dead against it but after playing around with it and getting quite a few matches, I'll say it is a confidence booster more than anything else. The conversation on there has been pretty dry. But whilst out, I began to look at men a little differently, as in checking them out which is so not me! 

Moving on to Saturday, I had my Godson's birthday and come early evening when the kids had all left / gone to bed the adults can begin to get tipsy and not get judged.

Some of us moved on the pub where my good friend informed me his friend likes me... I don't take compliments well and was unsure but with a little peer pressure from my friends we spoke throughout the night, swapped numbers and have been texting.... and the best bit.

I HAVE A DATE FRIDAY NIGHT. 

So far I have only heard good things about him, he seems nice, texts everyday and sends the first text and wants to take me out. The Lobster never done anything nice for me.... (I think it will be a while till I stop making comparisons) 

I am not sure if I really fancy him yet, but I am giving it a chance, which I never normally do. 

I am officially on my way to moving on and feeling positive about it. 

Now.... What to wear???? 

Can You Really Have It All?

Call me greedy, but I want it all, I do. 

The perfect job, the amazing house, the wonderful husband, beautiful children, great friends, good body... the list goes on. 

Don't get me wrong, I am very lucky. I have amazing parents that still shelter and feed me for a small monthly fee, amazing friends, I have had a very successful week at work and am also currently being interviewed for some pretty good jobs roles too as I am looking to move on soon, and I am happy with my body, there's a few things I could change here and there but overall I'm confident to get naked in front of most people. 

However, there is still that one thing missing.... my love life. 

I am not an unhappy single, but I am still hung up on the Lobster. Even though he is a big knob head.... with no knob. 

In a previous post I explained how I was feeling after learning he is seeing someone, and it has been playing on my mind ever since, even more so since I discovered the girl is married. 

Yup, that's right. MARRIED!! 

He is seeing a married woman! 

I am a social media stalker, I saw the photos of her in her wedding dress only a few months ago.

WHAT.THE.ACTUAL.FUCK. 

I don't know the situation well enough to judge but still.... Call me old fashioned but for me, thats the dream, to get married, have babies, make a home. 

I understand its not for everyone and sometimes these things don't work out... But thats my Lobster :( 

I am a bag of mixed emotions and contradictions at the moment. 

I need to keep on remembering him for the arsehole he is and all the bad times. 

It just seems when one area of your life is going fucking fantastic, other parts can be terribly shitty. 

So can we really have it all or is it just a wonder woman myth? 

Is it too much to ask for the fairy tale?

You Get What You Expect...

In one of our many over-analysing conversations a friend of mine said "You only get what you expect" and I think she may have a point. 

If I think back, after learning I was never going to get what I wanted from the Lobster I regretfully and now embarrassingly accepted his behaviour as normal, therefore not expecting much thus not receiving much. 

It's a mad old theory, but I think there may be method in the madness. 

If you don't expect him to text back he probably wont. 

If you don't expect him to take you out and treat you with respect he probably wont. 

If you don't expect much he will give you as little as possible. 

So expect the world and if he refuses to give you this... Walk away. 

You may be left disappointed but at least you'll have your dignity. 

Know your worth and don't let anyone treat you less. 

Back to Black... Remembering The Bad Times

So I had my suspicions the Lobster was seeing someone, he told me so himself but I didn't take much notice. 

However, I saw some friends of his last night who informed me of the girls name and that she is not local ( I have an idea who it might be) and it kinda bummed me out for the following reasons;

1. - She's not local. Typical commitment phobic behaviour, going for someone that is not that available / wont last. I have seen him have a long distance relationship previously. 

2. He has pursued someone else. He never put in any effort for me. What was wrong with me? Was I not worth it?

3. I miss him. I just want my friend back. Even though he has not apologised for the hurtful words and vile behaviour at christmas. 

I know, I get it right. 

HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. 

But that doesn't stop it from hurting. 

When I finally called a day on our situation I felt ok, it was on my terms I knew it wasn't getting me anywhere, but since hearing that he has moved on and is seeing someone else it has really thrown me. It don't help that I myself have not met anyone, I don't even feel remotely ready to yet. 

I have spent today in a black mood, feeling sorry for myself very Bridget Jones style, thinking how much I miss him, but do I actually really want him or not?

The thing is, we forget the bad stuff ever happened and look back fondly on the good times, but things ended for a reason. I need to remember the countless times I cried myself to sleep, had sleepless nights due to stress and how low and worthless he actually made me feel most of the time. 

So if you have ever been in a similar position repeat after me...

I.DESERVE.BETTER. 

Lessons from the Lodger

Recently we have had one of my Mother's relatives move into the spare room (Yes, I do still live at home with my parents at the age of 25. The shame) 

Well... I thought my love life was bad, but she makes me feel better about myself. 

In her 50's she spends the majority of her spare time on dating sites, chasing exes and starting new hobbies that never fully develop. 

All the men she meets are creeps, you can tell from the offset, although her crazy ways do scare them off (I admit I can be obsessive but if it's a family trait that gets worse with age then god.help.me) 

They're all after one thing. She recently met up with one of her exes and they had sex. In a field. When she came home with muddy boots I told her theres a word for that... Dogging. 

'He may look like an old git, but he makes up for it in other ways. He has more stamina than an 18 year old boy' she informs me. 

This evening I came home to a note saying she has gone to visit another ex for the weekend. He don't want to know her one minute but as soon as he clicks his fingers she goes running. 

I feel like the more mature adult in the situation. When I was upset recently she was very sympathetic but it's the type of advice I would take with a pinch of salt.

If you can't learn from your own mistakes, at least learn from other peoples. 

Merry Fucking Christmas you PIG!

So I have explained in previous posts who the 'Lobster' is. 

Anyhow, Christmas is always an awkward time when you make the rounds of seeing people you don't really see, and seeing as we have the same friendship group I always knew it was going to be a tiny bit awkward. 

Do I look good enough? Am I acting cool enough about? Please don't let me make the mistake of ending up in bed with him again after a few drinks. 

What I didn't expect was this torrent of abuse and venom in exchange of words after we had seen each other on Christmas Eve which left me sobbing all of Christmas morning. 

After always defending him to friends for how he has treated me, I thought I would share to show what a disgusting, non-respecting pig of man he really is. Ergh.

CUNT. 

Am I Booty Call?

I am absolutely awful at getting to know new people, but under the influence of alcohol I allowed my friend to set me up with a friend of hers whilst we were out. 

It ended in some drunk snogging (totally not me... I'm very much against PDA's) and swapping numbers. 

My friend says very good things about him, but he only texts me at weekends and at night when he is out which gives me the impression he is just after a 'booty call'.   

After five years of a similar situation with the Lobster I have no intentions of being played or treated like that again. 

Not unless it's me making the call. 

But going back to this guy, after stalking him on facebook I'm totes not bovs as I am not feeling him at all. 

I have a feeling I am going to remain single for quite some time. 

One Week Post Lobster

I am going to try to keep this blog anonymous as much as possible so I'll explain who the 'Lobster' is...

The Lobster is the one you always keep going back to (Phoebe Buffay in 'Friends' once used the expression referring to  to Ross and Rachel's relationship). 

Anyhow, the situation with my lobster has been going on for about five years. 

Five years where he has never wanted to commit, five years of your parents asking you whats going on and not being able to explain, five years of never knowing where you stand, five years without so much as a birthday card or Christmas present. Five years of give, give, give with little in return. 

To make things more awkward, lobster is in my friendship group which is why it has probably gone on so long. 

I / we have said we are going to stop this ridiculous situation on numerous occasions, but we always seem to end up back in bed together. And after five years I am embarrassed. Embarrassed that I have allowed myself to be treated in such a way and let it happen time and time again. 

Dont get me wrong, I have a lot of love for the Lobster, but it is never going to be how I want or have daydreamed about. 

Even my friends don't take me seriously anymore when I tell them I'm putting a stop to it. 

Time for me to get out there... I want to meet husband material soon. 

Mid-twenties... Clocks ticking and all that. 

I have only cried once or twice this week which is good going for me. 

Let's see how long I can go without falling back in the Lobsters claws this time.