Am I a Drama Magnet?

When I returned back from travelling this summer, the one night stand from last summer got in touch (he was my get under to get over). We spoke briefly for a while after that one night, and I told him this was a strictly one night thing and there would be no rendezvous and he was happy with that. 

However, we got talking again when he got in touch, it was mainly him doing all the talking - I was not in the slight bit interested, still in holiday romance mood with the Australian. He was quite persistent, even though on many occasions I told him to 'Piss off and stop being a pest' but over time he has grown on me, he easy to talk to and actually quite funny. 

As mean as it is to say that, out of boredom I thought I would take his advances into consideration a little more, so I begun to respond. I told him all about my travels, the Australian, he told me he had split up with his girlfriend (who he was actually on a break with the night we slept together so it came as no surprise to hear they had broken up) and about girls he has been dating and talking to since. 

We got on. It was nice. So we started talking about meeting again.

He said he liked me because I am funny and no drama - it would be very much just about sex. He does not want a girlfriend and I am leaving the country in less than three months. 

After a few failed dates when we had planned to meet, he actually surprised me by turning up to my work whilst I was there and bought me a bar of my favourite chocolate. 

It is of course the most menial of tasks, but no one has done anything like that for me in a long time... If ever! So I was slightly impressed. 

We finally got a date in the diary for our second night stand, I went to his and it was actually really nice. The sex was pretty good, better than the first time, it wasn't awkward at all. I stayed over, we laughed,  we cuddled, he made me breakfast and dropped me to the station so I could make my way to work the next morning. 

It was all good, we spoke for the rest of the day - THEN - over the weekend, we are snap chatting away and he comments on my friends, inviting one over which was actually quite funny at first, then saying he would 'Princess her off' about another. 

Yes, it was funny at first but not when you keep going on about it when I only had sex with you two nights ago. 

It pissed me off. So I deleted his number for a little while, just to allow myself to cool down, but he picks up on it when he looks at WhatsApp to see my picture and last seen gone. 

I didn't even think boys looked at these things? We had a bicker, then Monday he ignores me all day, we spoke in the evening then he brings it up - He says he doesn't want any attachment, and that although I say the same according to him my reaction said something different, and that it's drama. 

Maybe I did react in the wrong way - but he always has been an annoying person and I tell him this all the time - I just thought it was another one of those things. 

I honestly thought he was just trying to test me, press my buttons to see how far he can push me and suss me out - and he has won. 

I told him he was wrong, and that I too am not into drama and that we should maybe leave it here.... All he replied was 'Agreed' and we have not spoken since. 

What has pissed me off more than anything is how much it has pissed me off - I was actually starting to like him - even though I know it can't go further because he doesn't want it to and I am leaving, he was growing on massively. And the fact he liked me because he said I was 'no drama' now he thinks I am drama - did I over react? I don't think so! 

I even had a little cry in the toilets today at work - I had forgotten how nice it was to spend the night with someone like I did with him - it has been ages since I have done that - this year I have had several love em and leave em nights  and I was good at the have sex, no feelings thing - so it has confused me into thinking that maybe I do want a relationship deep down (although not necessarily with him). 

So what if I am drama.... it has only served to remind me that I am human and do still have some feelings left after all. 

Oh yeah.... and that men are still all pricks. 

Secret Identity

I have always said I would keep this blog as anonymous as possible, however I have a sneaking suspicion I've been sussed (and I always trust my gut instinct, it serves me well and is right 99% of the time). 

My first thoughts when I realised someone was on to me was SHIT! Sheer Panic. But then I let it sink in, and thought actually fuck it. I have nothing to be ashamed of, I may come across as a bit of a Cunt in some posts but everything I write about is how I feel or felt at that certain time in my life. 

Writing for me is a form of therapy, it always has been. Whilst a bit of a exhibitionist I can also be quite introvert (typical Aquarian) and enjoy nothing more than shutting myself away to read or write. So whilst writing has been an escape and somewhere to explore and understand my feelings, some posts may have been written off the cuff, in anger, despair, drunk or hungover. 

All I ask is that if you are going to read it, (Hiya - I know who you are and it's quite a compliment you actually read and found your way here) then please don't judge me until you have read every single post from the beginning, here I will even link it for you so it is easier for you to get to. (CLICK HERE) 

Wearing my heart on my sleeve is what has got me here and I am not going to stop now. 

I also ask that you don't talk about it openly - like the best things in life, let people discover it for themselves if they want to. 

As a girl I trust you'll view things from a woman's perspective and have the decency to respect it. 

The Consequences of being a Party Girl

I have had such a fun bank holiday weekend but I am well and truly feeling the effects of it today.

Since the road to recovery of my broken heart began I have been enjoying going out and getting drunk with my girls a lot more, but it's not just the physical effects that are catching up on me... The hangovers, the bloating, sickness, and break outs, it's also been an eye opener. 

This weekend I was out with my guy and girl friends... (Lobster who was in attendance and we did a fabulous job of ignoring each other, although there were a few awkward moments when we caught eye contact. I had a fab night singing and dancing while he was left looking awkward standing on his own on many occasions throughout the night. HA) 

Anyhow, when it came to the end of the night one of the guys who has a girlfriend and a new born baby begins flirting of sorts with a friend of a friend. 

She's single and fully allowed to choose who she sleeps with. But what annoyed me is the lengths this guy was going to to cover his lieing cheating arse. 

Telling her a fake name, whilst telling me to 'shut up' and basically getting his story straight with me that if anyone asks me I should say that he was never at the the afterparty we went back to... Almost like blackmail as I know he's not a very nice person and he would probably turn nasty if I ever breathed a word. 

Although it's totally wrong, it's not my business to say anything. I don't know the girlfriend in question well enough to get involved, and she probably wouldn't believe me anyway. If she was one of my good friends I wouldn't hesitate to expose him. 

The guys at the after party were actually scared of me calling me a 'Dangerous Girl' as 'I know too much'. 

The fact is, I am a nice girl, a real girls girl and I get on with most people, boys and girls. I'm friends with a lot of the boys but I've never slept with any of them (apart from the Lobster and we all know how that turned out). 

What makes it worse, is this guy is all over social media stating how much he loves his girlfriend and posting adorable photos of his baby, which I don't doubt for a second so why the hell cheat?! 

So as much as I love being a party girl, it has done very little to restore my faith in men... In fact I think I have completely lost it.

However, it is a lesson noted for when I do settle down. 

Setting My Moving On Goals

'What do you want to achieve from this?' my therapist replied to me during our first session last week when I asked how do I know when I have had enough. 

This made me think, there are several factors really; 

1 - To be able to control my emotions

 (I would hate to be an emotional mess if I ever do run into the lobster one day. I have too much pride to give anything away. I don't want him to know how much he has hurt me and how that has affected me)

2 - To stop dwelling on the past

3 - To just generally get over it and move on.  

So how do you achieve this? I am yet to figure it out, and hope we will work through on this in this weeks session. 

Last week we acknowledged a few things such as I never once mentioned the 'L' word. Love.  I am not sure if I ever was in 'love' with him. I would never say that word due to the fear of being rejected. But maybe I did?

I have also come to face the fact that, yes it really has hurt and upset me and that it is okay to feel this way. It is better to let it out rather than bury it. 

The final thing was that, I built him up to be this person that he wasn't and to sum it up I was potentially in love with a person that never existed. He is not the person I thought he was or made him out to be. 

I am intrigued to see how we move on from here now, and interested in what she has to say this week.

In other news, my tinder date blew me out. I wasn't too fussed, but still a little bit disappointed. 

I have also been spending time with my friend who has her own lobster situation with a bad apple. I can see myself in her and history repeating itself and she knows this too. 

The sad thing is watching her makes me miss my lobster, to see how happy and excited it makes her when she see's or speaks to him. 

I need some more dates. 

I'm in Therapy...

When I started the Single Girl's Diary Blog and Twitter  it was meant to be all the fun and exciting stories us Single Girls get up to, of course it is going to be a case of swings and round about's and there are moments that are not that fun. However recently, with revelations of The Lobster''s new relationship  emerging, I have been feeling rather sad and have noticed this in my posts too. 

The fact is, I don't want to be that person that sit's and dwells and obsesses about their ex and what could have been - So, I booked myself into therapy. 

A little dramatic? Maybe. I know therapy is big and considered the norm in the states, but I am not some high flying yank with issues. I am just a heartbroken girl from the London Suburbs trying to move on.

Scoff at this all you want, but I feel more positive already. (and I should bloody hope so for the amount it costs) Sometimes you just need that person to tell you what you are feeling is totally normal. 

So here's to moving on, along with a few self help books (The Rules Of Life by Richard Templar and The Secret by Rhonda Byrne have both been highly recommended to me) a Yoga trip to Ibiza (my spiritual homeland) and a few bottles of wine and great friends, I will get there. 

Also, did I mention, I have my first Tinder date tonight?

He has great stats from what I know, he went to Oxford University, and works as a PR Manager. 

Blog Post to follow on how it goes. Eeeek!!! 

I Am Officially 'Dating'

So off I went on my date last week, a little nervous, and although I didn't really fancy him I had a lovely evening. 

He picked me up in a cab, held doors open and paid for everything. 

There were a few hiccups, he mentioned his ex in passing a few times, told me some things about his past I'd rather not know, and kept mentioning how skint  he was (sure way to make me feel awkward when the bill arrived) but to be honest because I wasn't that into him I was just enjoying the free dinner and cocktails. 

He want's to go out again, and has suggested some nice places so I am tempted to go just because I do like the place he suggested... Would that be leading him on?

Probably. But oh well. 

I also reluctantly downloaded Tinder after my friend convinced me, I'm not into casual hook-up's or one night stands so was a bit apprehensive as I have heard a few stories and assume that's all people go on there for... But I would say it's a huge confidence boost.

I have been talking to a few guys that seem 'decent' and have even swapped numbers with one. 

After so much upset the last year, I think its time I got back out there, even if it just to be wined and dined. 

As my younger, prettier and sometimes wiser sister told me 'At your age, you shouldn't waste time or settle for anyone, unless you can see yourself marrying them'

So I can now say I am officially dating until I find the one.... Because I'm not going to find him sitting at home watching Eastender's now am I? 

Can You Really Have It All?

Call me greedy, but I want it all, I do. 

The perfect job, the amazing house, the wonderful husband, beautiful children, great friends, good body... the list goes on. 

Don't get me wrong, I am very lucky. I have amazing parents that still shelter and feed me for a small monthly fee, amazing friends, I have had a very successful week at work and am also currently being interviewed for some pretty good jobs roles too as I am looking to move on soon, and I am happy with my body, there's a few things I could change here and there but overall I'm confident to get naked in front of most people. 

However, there is still that one thing missing.... my love life. 

I am not an unhappy single, but I am still hung up on the Lobster. Even though he is a big knob head.... with no knob. 

In a previous post I explained how I was feeling after learning he is seeing someone, and it has been playing on my mind ever since, even more so since I discovered the girl is married. 

Yup, that's right. MARRIED!! 

He is seeing a married woman! 

I am a social media stalker, I saw the photos of her in her wedding dress only a few months ago.

WHAT.THE.ACTUAL.FUCK. 

I don't know the situation well enough to judge but still.... Call me old fashioned but for me, thats the dream, to get married, have babies, make a home. 

I understand its not for everyone and sometimes these things don't work out... But thats my Lobster :( 

I am a bag of mixed emotions and contradictions at the moment. 

I need to keep on remembering him for the arsehole he is and all the bad times. 

It just seems when one area of your life is going fucking fantastic, other parts can be terribly shitty. 

So can we really have it all or is it just a wonder woman myth? 

Is it too much to ask for the fairy tale?

Back to Black... Remembering The Bad Times

So I had my suspicions the Lobster was seeing someone, he told me so himself but I didn't take much notice. 

However, I saw some friends of his last night who informed me of the girls name and that she is not local ( I have an idea who it might be) and it kinda bummed me out for the following reasons;

1. - She's not local. Typical commitment phobic behaviour, going for someone that is not that available / wont last. I have seen him have a long distance relationship previously. 

2. He has pursued someone else. He never put in any effort for me. What was wrong with me? Was I not worth it?

3. I miss him. I just want my friend back. Even though he has not apologised for the hurtful words and vile behaviour at christmas. 

I know, I get it right. 

HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. 

But that doesn't stop it from hurting. 

When I finally called a day on our situation I felt ok, it was on my terms I knew it wasn't getting me anywhere, but since hearing that he has moved on and is seeing someone else it has really thrown me. It don't help that I myself have not met anyone, I don't even feel remotely ready to yet. 

I have spent today in a black mood, feeling sorry for myself very Bridget Jones style, thinking how much I miss him, but do I actually really want him or not?

The thing is, we forget the bad stuff ever happened and look back fondly on the good times, but things ended for a reason. I need to remember the countless times I cried myself to sleep, had sleepless nights due to stress and how low and worthless he actually made me feel most of the time. 

So if you have ever been in a similar position repeat after me...

I.DESERVE.BETTER. 

The Single Girl's Guide to Surviving Valentines Day

Ah, the dreaded V Day is finally here! 

Having never had a serious boyfriend (Yes I know... 25 and I've NEVER had a serious boyfriend) I admit it's a not a day that I look forward to, especially with the sickening Facebook posts, a stream of flowers being delivered at work. And lets be honest, I think I would be sick if anyone ever bought me a cuddly toy saying 'I love you' on it. 

I believe that it is marketing that has made this the day to make us feel lonely... when the fact is, I don't feel any more lonely than I do any other day. 

Waking up this morning the only thing I wanted to spend the day with was my bed. The Lobster crossed my mind as he does every other day, but then he never got me anything for Valentine's Day anyway so I'm not missing out on anything there.  

I am grateful that I have all the things I need in life, great friends, a good family, alcohol and cats. Who needs a man?? 

I had offers to drink with my friends tonight, but its wet, cold, skint, Im lazy and much happier in my PJ's with a Domino's watching TV. 

However, tomorrow I will be going out and getting shit faced. 

Happy Valentines Day Ladies 

xoxoxo 

2013.... The Year of Break Ups.

2013 seems to have been a rocky year for everyone relationship wise in my friendship circle. 

There's me and my unhealthy and on/off disastrous relationship (if you could even call it that) with the Lobster. I am a million per cent not going back there after the Christmas Eve texts. I mean it this time. 

Then there's the friend who had the whirlwind romance with the control freak chav.... we all gladly let out a sigh of relief when that one didn't work out. 

And then the one that hit us all hard... This couple - and we all have these couples - was my rock. The ones who I secretly envied with their lovely home and children and families. Both were my best friends, I would often go round there to moan and cry about my own dysfunctional relationship. 'Why?' we call cried when we heard, but these things happen for a reason. 

But through all our up's and downs us girls have stuck together and it has taught us the grass is not always greener on the other side. 

Sometimes it's better to wait for the right relationship than being in the wrong one. 

So here's to the 2014... from the Smug Singeltons. 

Don't forget, it's not just us mere mortals that have experienced the pain of heartbreak this year.... See these celebrities who also split this year. 

Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom 

It all happened very quickly but we did not see this one coming, with rumours of cheating and crack cocaine addictions... then 'that' video this just gets weirder. My heart goes out to Khloe, my favourite Kardashian. 

 Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez

A little  boy with A LOT of growing up to do it appears. 

Kris and Bruce Jenner

One that didn't surprise us but still did not see it coming. 

 Rihanna and Chris Brown. Again. 

Another dysfunctional relationship.... Played out on social media for all to see. Someone as feisty as RiRi should not allow any man to treat her the way Brown did. 

 Mirander Kerr and Orlando Bloom

'The Rock Couple' you did not expect to split :(