How Do You Know If Someone Is 'The One'?

There's a boy, I know...

Ok, before I carried away with Whitney Houston let me explain the situation.

The 2 night stand turned into a regular night stand in the run up to my year (maybe longer) trip to Australia, it was all very bittersweet. 

Although we didn't see each other much after the second night, we spoke constantly like every day. He sourced a high end but cheap laptop for me to take on my travels, I sent him a nice bottle of wine to say thank you and Merry Christmas. A week before I left he came to my Birthday night out and met all my friends, which was when he told me 

'If you wasn't going away I would've made you my Girlfriend by now, I'm really going to miss you and that's why I refused to see you after the second night stand as it would make it harder' 

Needless to say I went home with him that night and didn't leave till gone 7pm the next evening. We just spent the day sleeping, cuddling, and laughing and taking the piss out of each other. 

As I started to pack my bags on the evening of my Birthday I cried for hours as reality hit, and it dawned on me I really do like him and am going to miss him a lot. I can't even explain why I like him; We just get on so well. 

He makes me laugh, we click and we just get each other. Whereas normally I'd hate the way he dresses, I'm not a huge fan of his name, he's not the best looking and he can be a huge player, but I've brushed all those things aside. As they say, 'Make a girl laugh and you can make her do anything'. 

On my Birthday night I ended up driving over to his late at night after drying my tears for one final night together, a good bye if you like. 

It wasn't the greatest as he was sick, and I was emotionally drained, but I felt I needed to say an official goodbye. 

However, now one week into Australia and I have spoken to him every single day, we FaceTime for at least an hour a day. I have spoke to him more than I have my own parents. 

Before I took off, we were texting saying we will miss each other, and when I landed he was already face timing me looking sad saying 'Come back' which was heart breaking. I even sent him a Valentines Day card - I've never sent a Valentines Card to anyone in life before. After taking the Piss and putting it on his snapchat story which I feel embarrassed me, but at the same time was kind of nice he is letting people know - I know he talks to his friends about me because he tells me. He's now told me he has displayed it on the fridge which is nice I suppose. 

I am just so confused, and don't know what to do and I feel like it is holding me back from settling in properly here and from having a good time. 

I told him I would never not go over a man or relationship and he understood and said he would not stop me from going or following my dreams. But when he says things like come back, it tugs at my heart and almost feels manipulative. 

Living with a group of boys they can give good advice from their perspective, as one said 'If you went back, he probably wouldn't want to know' to which I told him and he laughed and agreed it's probably true. 

I know I have to give myself a good 6 months here at least, I don't expect him to 'wait for me' and if the opportunity arose to sleep with a really fit Aussie I wouldn't want to turn it down, but the frame of mind I am currently in I am probably giving of 'Don't approach me' vibes. 

I love talking to him everyday and know I will miss it if we stop, but I don't know whether to cool it down a bit, maybe to once a week. Even though it just feels so natural and not forced at all... And we are so honest with each other, he's told me about his past relationship's, or when girls message him. In reference to one this week he said 'I'd rather you over her any day' 

All of this has me thinking could he be the one?

Get Out My Head

So I wrote previously about the Second Night Stand situation and how much he was frustrating me.... well it continues. 

We haven't seen each other since that night, but still talk every single day. We both agreed nothing else would happen - I have since been on two dates this week which he knows about, and he was snap chatting me Saturday morning with a random girl in his bed. 

He had sourced through a contact of his a cheap laptop that I can take travelling with me, but then was being really difficult about collecting it. 

I need to cut him out and let it go, he is not providing me with anything. I.e a regular fuck buddy / friend with benefits before I leave or the laptop either now. 

He has got into my head massively, I even spoke to him after my date Saturday night, even though it went well and was lovely I still felt the need to speak to him? I frustrate myself being like this. 

We know of some mutual people, and over the weekend someone asked one of my friends about me and if I was seeing him. I am quite a private person, so mentioned it to him as he has obviously been speaking about me to his friends - it is the only way it could get back to this person! 

However, he turns this all on me - saying I am the one gossiping with my friends bla bla bla. More bickering etc and 'I think it is time to say our goodbyes - good luck with travelling' I just replied with the emoji waving hand as I know he is bound to be in touch sooner or later. My close friend who knows the situation think's he is in to me but won't get too close as he knows I am going away and I have played it too cool with him. Like I don't even get jealous when he goes on dates or snapchats me these random girls. 

It is annoying that he makes me out to be the crazy one.... 

You pest messaged  and pursued me for months

You turned up at my work 

You randomly FaceTime me for half hour chats 

You continuously say you don't want to see me - yet  you wouldn't collect the laptop for me but said you would go with me to collect

The list goes on. 

It is the most confusing situation and I don't know what to think. He is not the greatest looking, he does not say nice things to me (he used to but not anymore) yet I have really let him get to me. So frustrating. AgGgGhHhHh!! 

Writing this I have realised he is actually a bit of a gross person, the way he acts. 

But even so, I find him funny and I enjoy talking to him but maybe it is time to let it go for my own sanity and focus on my other dates. 

Am I a Drama Magnet?

When I returned back from travelling this summer, the one night stand from last summer got in touch (he was my get under to get over). We spoke briefly for a while after that one night, and I told him this was a strictly one night thing and there would be no rendezvous and he was happy with that. 

However, we got talking again when he got in touch, it was mainly him doing all the talking - I was not in the slight bit interested, still in holiday romance mood with the Australian. He was quite persistent, even though on many occasions I told him to 'Piss off and stop being a pest' but over time he has grown on me, he easy to talk to and actually quite funny. 

As mean as it is to say that, out of boredom I thought I would take his advances into consideration a little more, so I begun to respond. I told him all about my travels, the Australian, he told me he had split up with his girlfriend (who he was actually on a break with the night we slept together so it came as no surprise to hear they had broken up) and about girls he has been dating and talking to since. 

We got on. It was nice. So we started talking about meeting again.

He said he liked me because I am funny and no drama - it would be very much just about sex. He does not want a girlfriend and I am leaving the country in less than three months. 

After a few failed dates when we had planned to meet, he actually surprised me by turning up to my work whilst I was there and bought me a bar of my favourite chocolate. 

It is of course the most menial of tasks, but no one has done anything like that for me in a long time... If ever! So I was slightly impressed. 

We finally got a date in the diary for our second night stand, I went to his and it was actually really nice. The sex was pretty good, better than the first time, it wasn't awkward at all. I stayed over, we laughed,  we cuddled, he made me breakfast and dropped me to the station so I could make my way to work the next morning. 

It was all good, we spoke for the rest of the day - THEN - over the weekend, we are snap chatting away and he comments on my friends, inviting one over which was actually quite funny at first, then saying he would 'Princess her off' about another. 

Yes, it was funny at first but not when you keep going on about it when I only had sex with you two nights ago. 

It pissed me off. So I deleted his number for a little while, just to allow myself to cool down, but he picks up on it when he looks at WhatsApp to see my picture and last seen gone. 

I didn't even think boys looked at these things? We had a bicker, then Monday he ignores me all day, we spoke in the evening then he brings it up - He says he doesn't want any attachment, and that although I say the same according to him my reaction said something different, and that it's drama. 

Maybe I did react in the wrong way - but he always has been an annoying person and I tell him this all the time - I just thought it was another one of those things. 

I honestly thought he was just trying to test me, press my buttons to see how far he can push me and suss me out - and he has won. 

I told him he was wrong, and that I too am not into drama and that we should maybe leave it here.... All he replied was 'Agreed' and we have not spoken since. 

What has pissed me off more than anything is how much it has pissed me off - I was actually starting to like him - even though I know it can't go further because he doesn't want it to and I am leaving, he was growing on massively. And the fact he liked me because he said I was 'no drama' now he thinks I am drama - did I over react? I don't think so! 

I even had a little cry in the toilets today at work - I had forgotten how nice it was to spend the night with someone like I did with him - it has been ages since I have done that - this year I have had several love em and leave em nights  and I was good at the have sex, no feelings thing - so it has confused me into thinking that maybe I do want a relationship deep down (although not necessarily with him). 

So what if I am drama.... it has only served to remind me that I am human and do still have some feelings left after all. 

Oh yeah.... and that men are still all pricks. 

Will I ever love again?

Will I ever love again? Will I ever let myself fully go and show my full self to another person? Will I ever allow myself to become so deeply emotionally involved? 

These are the questions I've been asking myself recently. And the honest answer is I don't know. 

In the past I've been cut so deep that it has left some painful emotional scars. And like a real life cut the scar tissue occasionally hurts to remind me there's still a healing wound there. 

Reminders of the lobster keep cropping up whether I go looking for them or not. I've pretty much erradicated everyone I possibly can from Social Media accounts and newsfeeds but there are still a few that filter through that I can't get rid off unfortunately. 

Overall I'm in a good place at the moment, I quit my job and have found temp work to save money to go travelling with which I am definitely doing... Partly because I am running away from it all and because I have the opportunity. But these are still the questions that keep me up at night... Especially when others seem to be able to move on so quickly with their lives. 

I have a sneaking suspicion that Lobsters girlfriend is moving in with him. Our relationship if you can call it that has been over for nearly a year now, but it took me so long to face up to my feelings and admit I'd been hit hard by it all that it feels shorter. 

I've had my fair share of dates and fun this year but nothing significant, I just can't seem to give myself away (not that this is a bad thing, I believe it to be a good quality) but I am at the point where I am over cautious and generally not interested in anyone but myself. 

I miss that loving, all consuming, can't think of anyone else infatuation. When I get it bad, I get it BAD. 

Now I just sound like a bad meatloaf song 'Can anybody find me somebody to love'. 

Goodnight xoxoxo