Grown Up Sex

Grown up sex... Cold heartless no feelings drunk sex. 

I've never really experienced this before, however all that changed on Friday. I was out drinking after work and was rather drunk after a few glasses of wine (it don't take me much) when I ran into an old school friend. I grew up with this boy, we went to primary school together, I've known him for as long as I can remember and it has always been a simple platonic friendship nothing more, maybe a little childhood crush but that was it... All of my girl friends in school had a crush on him. 

There is sometimes a bit of flirting but it has always been a banter thing - never have I really thought about him in any other way. After a few drinks and catching up on Friday he then says 'Let's get this sexual tension over with.... let's just do it then never talk about it again' 

In my drunken state I agreed, so I left without telling any of my friends and went back to his. In fits of unbelievable giggles at what I was doing - we did it. It was ok, nothing great but all in all a bit weird. I called a cab pretty much soon after and left like nothing happened. We made a pact that neither of us would mention it to anyone or each other ever again nor would we fall for each other and I can safely say that I never would nor would I want to return for a repeat performance. 

All in all I am a little embarrassed about the whole situation - it makes me cringe more than a turn on. Maybe it's because the local childhood heart-throb has now put on a bit of timber (his body was not great) and was only average in bed - disappointment. 

Who knows? But the fact is I had no feelings sex with no repercussions. This is a real grown up step for me - usually I think about it for weeks afterwards but this is one memory I want to burn away never to be thought of again! 

At least I know I can have no feelings sex now but it's not something I am going to make a habit of that's for sure! 

Bed Side Manners

So after my two little holiday romances it's opened up my eyes a bit. I know you shouldn't but when you sleep with someone I do tend to compare to other people I've slept with. 

But I can honestly say, both the guys had very good manners in bed that when compared to my ex made realise even more how very selfish he was. 

So, Toy Boy; a very cute tall, good looking, surfer style sweet guy with an enormous willy. 

I'd been volunteering and was in desperate need of a bikini wax, I was not expecting to sleep with anyone so hadn't addressed it that urgently. However as we're getting down to it I think I have to warn him. 

'I've got a really hairy noonie' I told him, 'How hairy?' He asks 'Like REALLY' and he replied with 'who cares' as he slid my knickers off and we continued which then totally put me at ease, although he did make a bit of a fuss about wearing condoms but soon got over it. But this is what impressed me, he asked where he could cum which I thought was quite considerate as the ex would never do this, and he even got tissues and cleaned me up with him after. 

'If he gets up to get the tissues he's a keeper' my friend said. 

Such a shame I didn't get his number. 

The Australian; so I admit I met him through tinder we'd been texting for a while but kept missing each other so when it was my last night I thought go for it. I was with a couple I know, the four of us went back to their penthouse suite and got very drunk in their hot tub in the hotel room! 

I decided we should go back to mine for a bit more privacy. He held my hand as we walked back chatting about our lives. 

He didn't complain about wearing condoms and he made sure I came first. 

Then the next morning as I woke with an awful hangover he was very caring, rubbing my back and playing with my hair. HUGE BROWNIE POINTS! He didn't rush off either, he hung around whilst I packed and got ready and carried all of my bags to the taxi for me which we shared and dropped him off as I made my way to the airport on to my next country. 

'I'm here for a good time, not a long time'  is a motto a girl I made friends with out there and I think it's one you can apply to all areas of life. 

I'm quite confident sexually, but it's always nicer when you're with someone that treats you well... Even if it just a one night stand. 

So don't forget your bed side manners. You'll get a lot more from it!

Love, Travel & Finding yourself - an update of the last six months.

Wow! It's been a while since I updated this blog. 

At the beginning of the year I went off on my little travelling adventure and hand on heart it was the best decision I ever made. I had the most amazing experience and miss it so much I plan to go away again next year as soon as I find the funds. 

I wouldn't say I've changed but perhaps my outlook and perception on life has. I've grown up and found myself a bit more. Before I went I was lost and confused, and although I've had a few wobbly days since returning I'm trying to keep this frame of mind. 

Life is too short, if you want to do something then do it. You'll always find a way to make things work. Worrying about what other people think is a waste of time. 

Any lovers? A couple, but when travelling and you have flights to catch and places to be the next day it's hard to stay in touch. 

There was the toy boy from Isle of Wight who left for Cambodia the next day, and we didn't swap numbers unfortunately, he was so good looking and had the HUGEST penis I've ever come into contact with - I am going to a festival in September though in Isle of Wight so if we see each other then it's fate. 

And then the Australian who was also VERY good looking but I think he may be Bi as he does have some gay tendencies. I left for Hong Kong the next day but we are still in touch a little bit and who ever knows we could meet up again when I take a trip over there the next year. 

Although they were just one night stand holiday romances both were such lovely boys. 

I'm still loving single life but maybe wouldn't mind finding someone to hang out with, not to necessarily settle down with but someone who's there for the long run and wants to explore the world with me. 

I am so much happier and in a better place than I was last year and long may it continue. 

Onwards and Upwards

I've already posted a 2014 reflection but I feel I still have a few things to put to bed. 

Yesterday a friend phoned to inform me that the Lobster was pregnant with married girl (last I heard her divorce hadn't even been finalised). It was a little shocking to say the least and I kind of just felt numb. 

I didn't really know what to do or say so I opened a bottle of Prosecco before midday still in my pyjamas with my best friend (not to celebrate but because it's my favourite drink). We sat, we talked, we analysed. 

I took a shower and tried to cry but I couldn't. 

How are you meant to feel in this situation? I don't know. 

The fact is I don't know that person anymore, it doesn't mean anything to me. I did have some lovely memories but they became tarnished when we fell out. 

It is not going to have any effect on my life what so ever. I've distanced myself from that crowd and I'm leaving for my adventure soon. 

But kids though? I know I'm nearly 26 but having a baby is the last thing on my list right now and if I was going to do it I would like it to be with the person I am married to (not the one I met on my hen do and am currently shacked up with whilst divorcing my husband whom I was married to for 3 months if that). 

I've seen first hand how much having kids can change your life and it has put me off for a good few years. Many of my friends feel the same but then some of the people I know from my home town have a different outlook on life. They don't seem to have much going on so have a baby. 

Bringing another person into the world does not secure a relationship or make a man love you anymore someone told me and I believe it to be true. I've seen it happen, men cheating whilst they have a family at home. 

There are so many things I want to see and do before I ever settle down and that's what I intend to go and do. I no longer want to focus on the past, the hurt or the people associated with that time in my life. 

I know who the shit stirrers are and the ones who keep watching what I do but I also know who my real friends are and that's all that matters. 

As much as it's been an on-going topic full of unbelievable circumstances (you honestly couldn't make this shit up) regarding the lobster it is now in the past and as much as I have learned from it and how it has shaped me as a person it has no meaning to my current life so will no longer be mentioned. 

Happy New Year xoxoxo 

End Of Year Reflection

So... What a year it has been! From starting the year as a heart broken mess, booking myself into therapy, having my first one night stand to planning to go travelling. 

I've cried, I've laughed, I've reconnected with old friends, but most of all I've learnt that everything will be ok in the end. 

Christmas and New Year is always a time for reflection and something I usually find depressing especially after last years awful Christmas, I was particularly concerned about the approaching season and how I would feel about it. But in all honestly I've never felt happier. 

I've learnt that my real friends will always be my friends what ever. There's no point in worrying, time is a healer and everything works out for the best. 

Forgive and forget? Not 100% if I would say that just yet, but over it? Yes. Couldn't give a fuck? Yes. Happy? Yes. 

For what started out to be a crappy year 2014 turned out to be one of the best yet. 

Count your blessings and achievements. I guarantee you have more than failures. If you're not happy about something change it. Be brave, be proud, believe in yourself, love yourself and NEVER let anyone make you feel that you are worthless. 

Here's to a Happy 2015 to all my single ladies. 

Secret Identity

I have always said I would keep this blog as anonymous as possible, however I have a sneaking suspicion I've been sussed (and I always trust my gut instinct, it serves me well and is right 99% of the time). 

My first thoughts when I realised someone was on to me was SHIT! Sheer Panic. But then I let it sink in, and thought actually fuck it. I have nothing to be ashamed of, I may come across as a bit of a Cunt in some posts but everything I write about is how I feel or felt at that certain time in my life. 

Writing for me is a form of therapy, it always has been. Whilst a bit of a exhibitionist I can also be quite introvert (typical Aquarian) and enjoy nothing more than shutting myself away to read or write. So whilst writing has been an escape and somewhere to explore and understand my feelings, some posts may have been written off the cuff, in anger, despair, drunk or hungover. 

All I ask is that if you are going to read it, (Hiya - I know who you are and it's quite a compliment you actually read and found your way here) then please don't judge me until you have read every single post from the beginning, here I will even link it for you so it is easier for you to get to. (CLICK HERE) 

Wearing my heart on my sleeve is what has got me here and I am not going to stop now. 

I also ask that you don't talk about it openly - like the best things in life, let people discover it for themselves if they want to. 

As a girl I trust you'll view things from a woman's perspective and have the decency to respect it. 

What's your number?

How many people have you slept with? It's a question that many of us dread for a number of reasons. But does it still matter? 

My number is 5. I always say I'm quite proud that I can count on one hand the amount of people I've slept with, but I also think it's about time I put myself out there to experience a bit more. 

I lost my virginity when I was 14 with my first ever boyfriend, who I went out with till I was 16. 

After that it was a boy I met on my first girls holiday, a little holiday romance that left me devastated when nothing developed on returning home. 

After that I had a 2 1/2 year dry spell, whilst everyone was getting laid at uni I was the opposite focussing on my studies instead. Then came along The Lobster. An on/off, are they, aren't they, friends with benefits situation which again left me devastated when I fell hard, and he wanted nothing more. 

Between him was the one I don't really count, (we all have one) a kind of friend of the lobster who always flirted with me, so whilst we were 'off' and he was seeing another girl I thought I'd go one better and sleep with this guy. It was pretty lame. 

Then the one night stand. And that's my five. 

Whilst having this conversation with the girls the other day we all had different numbers and stories. One friend counted 6, two of whom she had 'recycled' meaning an ex or someone you've slept with before who you then went back to. Whilst the other friend counted 26, only one was a one night stand, the rest she had dated before sleeping with them. 

But does it matter? What would you say if your partner asked you this question? Sex Expert Tracey Cox says that no matter what you answered it's likely it would still be too many to a partner, even if had slept with 300 people. It is thought that the average 30 year old woman has slept with 8-10 people, but then what's the average? 

If my partner told me he'd slept with 100's of women I would hate it. The Lobster told me he had slept with around 15 people, and it made me feel sick. (I have issues I admit that) I don't think it's so much the number that counts but more the thought of your partner sleeping with someone else. 

Thoughts? What's your number and the stories behind them?