Onwards and Upwards

I've already posted a 2014 reflection but I feel I still have a few things to put to bed. 

Yesterday a friend phoned to inform me that the Lobster was pregnant with married girl (last I heard her divorce hadn't even been finalised). It was a little shocking to say the least and I kind of just felt numb. 

I didn't really know what to do or say so I opened a bottle of Prosecco before midday still in my pyjamas with my best friend (not to celebrate but because it's my favourite drink). We sat, we talked, we analysed. 

I took a shower and tried to cry but I couldn't. 

How are you meant to feel in this situation? I don't know. 

The fact is I don't know that person anymore, it doesn't mean anything to me. I did have some lovely memories but they became tarnished when we fell out. 

It is not going to have any effect on my life what so ever. I've distanced myself from that crowd and I'm leaving for my adventure soon. 

But kids though? I know I'm nearly 26 but having a baby is the last thing on my list right now and if I was going to do it I would like it to be with the person I am married to (not the one I met on my hen do and am currently shacked up with whilst divorcing my husband whom I was married to for 3 months if that). 

I've seen first hand how much having kids can change your life and it has put me off for a good few years. Many of my friends feel the same but then some of the people I know from my home town have a different outlook on life. They don't seem to have much going on so have a baby. 

Bringing another person into the world does not secure a relationship or make a man love you anymore someone told me and I believe it to be true. I've seen it happen, men cheating whilst they have a family at home. 

There are so many things I want to see and do before I ever settle down and that's what I intend to go and do. I no longer want to focus on the past, the hurt or the people associated with that time in my life. 

I know who the shit stirrers are and the ones who keep watching what I do but I also know who my real friends are and that's all that matters. 

As much as it's been an on-going topic full of unbelievable circumstances (you honestly couldn't make this shit up) regarding the lobster it is now in the past and as much as I have learned from it and how it has shaped me as a person it has no meaning to my current life so will no longer be mentioned. 

Happy New Year xoxoxo 

End Of Year Reflection

So... What a year it has been! From starting the year as a heart broken mess, booking myself into therapy, having my first one night stand to planning to go travelling. 

I've cried, I've laughed, I've reconnected with old friends, but most of all I've learnt that everything will be ok in the end. 

Christmas and New Year is always a time for reflection and something I usually find depressing especially after last years awful Christmas, I was particularly concerned about the approaching season and how I would feel about it. But in all honestly I've never felt happier. 

I've learnt that my real friends will always be my friends what ever. There's no point in worrying, time is a healer and everything works out for the best. 

Forgive and forget? Not 100% if I would say that just yet, but over it? Yes. Couldn't give a fuck? Yes. Happy? Yes. 

For what started out to be a crappy year 2014 turned out to be one of the best yet. 

Count your blessings and achievements. I guarantee you have more than failures. If you're not happy about something change it. Be brave, be proud, believe in yourself, love yourself and NEVER let anyone make you feel that you are worthless. 

Here's to a Happy 2015 to all my single ladies. 

Secret Identity

I have always said I would keep this blog as anonymous as possible, however I have a sneaking suspicion I've been sussed (and I always trust my gut instinct, it serves me well and is right 99% of the time). 

My first thoughts when I realised someone was on to me was SHIT! Sheer Panic. But then I let it sink in, and thought actually fuck it. I have nothing to be ashamed of, I may come across as a bit of a Cunt in some posts but everything I write about is how I feel or felt at that certain time in my life. 

Writing for me is a form of therapy, it always has been. Whilst a bit of a exhibitionist I can also be quite introvert (typical Aquarian) and enjoy nothing more than shutting myself away to read or write. So whilst writing has been an escape and somewhere to explore and understand my feelings, some posts may have been written off the cuff, in anger, despair, drunk or hungover. 

All I ask is that if you are going to read it, (Hiya - I know who you are and it's quite a compliment you actually read and found your way here) then please don't judge me until you have read every single post from the beginning, here I will even link it for you so it is easier for you to get to. (CLICK HERE) 

Wearing my heart on my sleeve is what has got me here and I am not going to stop now. 

I also ask that you don't talk about it openly - like the best things in life, let people discover it for themselves if they want to. 

As a girl I trust you'll view things from a woman's perspective and have the decency to respect it. 

What's your number?

How many people have you slept with? It's a question that many of us dread for a number of reasons. But does it still matter? 

My number is 5. I always say I'm quite proud that I can count on one hand the amount of people I've slept with, but I also think it's about time I put myself out there to experience a bit more. 

I lost my virginity when I was 14 with my first ever boyfriend, who I went out with till I was 16. 

After that it was a boy I met on my first girls holiday, a little holiday romance that left me devastated when nothing developed on returning home. 

After that I had a 2 1/2 year dry spell, whilst everyone was getting laid at uni I was the opposite focussing on my studies instead. Then came along The Lobster. An on/off, are they, aren't they, friends with benefits situation which again left me devastated when I fell hard, and he wanted nothing more. 

Between him was the one I don't really count, (we all have one) a kind of friend of the lobster who always flirted with me, so whilst we were 'off' and he was seeing another girl I thought I'd go one better and sleep with this guy. It was pretty lame. 

Then the one night stand. And that's my five. 

Whilst having this conversation with the girls the other day we all had different numbers and stories. One friend counted 6, two of whom she had 'recycled' meaning an ex or someone you've slept with before who you then went back to. Whilst the other friend counted 26, only one was a one night stand, the rest she had dated before sleeping with them. 

But does it matter? What would you say if your partner asked you this question? Sex Expert Tracey Cox says that no matter what you answered it's likely it would still be too many to a partner, even if had slept with 300 people. It is thought that the average 30 year old woman has slept with 8-10 people, but then what's the average? 

If my partner told me he'd slept with 100's of women I would hate it. The Lobster told me he had slept with around 15 people, and it made me feel sick. (I have issues I admit that) I don't think it's so much the number that counts but more the thought of your partner sleeping with someone else. 

Thoughts? What's your number and the stories behind them? 

Sexual Harassment In The Workplace

So maybe the title of this post is a little strong for what happened, but hear me out. 

I've recently started a new job, one of my old male contacts got in touch and offered me a position at his company. During the catch up / interview / meeting I congratulated him on his engagement to his long term girlfriend, and he mentioned how she said something that she was paranoid or had facebook stalked me and said 'she has an amazing body' fair enough maybe she did but WHY would you then tell me that? A little bit awkward but I let it pass. 

Anyhow, just two weeks in and a few of us have to visit a client in a different city, when arranging he joked about only booking one hotel room which made me feel very uncomfortable and not sure if it was a joke or not. Turns out only one room was booked and not rectified untill we arrived there. 

We work for the day, discuss his wedding plans then all go out for drinks in the evening (bear in mind I am the only female on this trip). He seemed like a lightweight when it came to keeping up with the other men, whereas I am quite used to drinking with the boys. However when he said let's call it a night, being professional I agreed it was time to get some sleep whilst the big boys stayed out to play. 

So walking down the hotel corridor he begins to say 'come back to my room' which I replied no, walking past his room he continues to walk with me towards mine and said he's staying there, I was like no you're not he then pulls me towards him as if to try and kiss me... I pushed him away instantly shouting 'What the fuck are you doing? You're engaged' and pushed him out of the room. 

Locking the door I was physically shaking, felt sick and on the verge of tears. It was only a phonecall to my friend that calmed me down! It made me feel cheap and dirty and down right furious. I feel violated. What ever made him think that I was interested? I'm not and never have been and I certainly have not led him on in the slightest. 

Am I overreacting here? 

My friend who works in a male dominated industry in the city says I should just brush it off and that the men she works with get drunk and do it all the time. It makes me so angry. 

The next morning I went for breakfast alone, I couldn't bare to speak to him but we then had an awkward 3hour car journey back just the two of us. However, he did mention he was sick when he got in as if that's some excuse or way of saying 'I was really drunk' and tell me 'You look hungover today' Fuck.You. 

I don't see him most days so in the office it's ok, I'm trying to remain as normal and professional as I can be but he literally makes my skin crawl and feel sick everytime I look at him now. I'm just going to suck it up and get on with my job as I am only there till January before I go off on my travels. 3 months and counting! 

Fair to say my man hating level is now off the roof. His poor fiancé. Another woman ending up with a man who don't deserve her. 

I'm Single... Get Me Out Of Here.

Urgh, it's like I take 10 steps forward and 11 back. 

Last week I attended an event in which I knew Lobster and married girl were attending so of course I rocked up looking fucking fabulous, air kissing and schmoozing with everyone without a care in the world. But it was all an act. 

Inside I felt on edge, nervous and shit. And it's left me in a crappy mood for the remainder of this week. Once the night was over I broke down, not because I still want him but because the things he did and said still affect and hurt me. He left me with no confidence, and although I put on a bloody good show I'm not 100% over it. I'm over him, just not the situation. 

So when I was crying (I blame the wine) all my good friends (male and female) were surrounding me trying to make me feel better, saying she hasn't got a patch on me (which I must admit is true) and saying how he's a looser, they're both disgusting for what they've done with their questionable morals and home wrecking ways. 

One friend who sat at the same table for a little while says the girl sat there openly taking about the fact she cheated on her husband with no shame. 

For someone that takes marriage and vows seriously I find this highly offensive whilst the looser sat there without a care in the world. Gross, just gross. 

What's bugging me is that she is befriending a lot of what I would call my friends. Of course it's going to happen, she's moved to this area and doesn't know anyone and I don't think she would have many friends left in her hometown either, but it's really pissed me off. Not that I'm going to let anyone know this fact. 

Tonight it came up on my newsfeed that they are going out with a few other couples whom I know. But I also know that nearly every single one of them boyfriends have cheated... Some not that long ago. So enjoy your night out pretending but we know the truth.

I know I sound really bitter, as I cry into my pizza sitting in on a Friday night, but I find it fucking sickening. I have no faith in love, or men at the moment and I think that breaks my heart more than anything else. 

Sorry I was too good for you.

It's a year today when I finally said 'I'm done'. 

After returning from Ibiza (my spiritual home) I realised enough was enough, it was on good terms until the explosive venomous arguement at Christmas happened which then led to therapy. But I'm in a good place now and I've learnt so much (especially about myself). 

Taking a step back and looking at the situation from a different view you see things much clearer. 

And I know you shouldn't do it but even comparing myself to the new girlfriend ( the one he met on her Hen Do, she got married, now they live together. Like you do.) I can see why it would have never worked out. My friends always said it but now I understand. He was intimidated by me. 

I'm educated, fun, confident, have a large group of different but good friends, I get to go to great events and mix with some amazing people, I get on with everyone, most people like me, I can be a little high-maintenance or spoilt at times, I love going out, and always try to make the best of myself and I wouldn't change myself easily for anyone. But I almost did. 

Not to be mean but looking at the new girlfriend I can see why he likes her, she's quiet, plain, basic, not many friends,  awful dress sense and follows him round like a lost puppy. He wants someone that makes him feel better about himself, someone he can control, someone a level below him that will look up to him and idolise him. The fact that she has now moved in with him having not even knowing each other a year, away from her family and friends says it all. 

Seeing pictures of her and seeing her out I actually feel a little bit sorry for her, trying to make new friends with everyone and just looking plain awkward. It can't be nice. 

I know sometimes relationships and marriage just don't work out but throwing it all away without really trying for some idiot who charmed you on one of your last nights of freedom (as exciting as it must of been) seems like a waste and I hope it's a descision the poor young, foolish girl doesn't live to regret. 

And I'm sorry (not really) that I was too good for you.