Why can't I be happy?

I honestly should be the happiest girl in the world! I am healthy, I have a great relationship with my family whom are all still alive and well, a good group of friends and am currently travelling around some of the most beautiful places in the world.

Why can't I just take in and enjoy the moment and be happy? Why am I constantly searching for more?
I first left to go travelling after a break up and it was the best thing I ever did so naturally after returning home, I wanted to go again, so I did.

But then I met a guy before I left, and although I thought he was great at first as you can read in my previous posts here  he actually turned out to be a total arse and has head fucked me more than anything else.

As much as I can't stop thinking about him, I know I am better off without and he probably wouldn't have made me happy in the long run (plus my friends really dislike him - when I find 'the one' my friends and family will have to love him). But it did get me thinking about my future a lot.

I will be 28 shortly after I return home and I find myself becoming increasingly broody. Although I am lucky to have everything I mentioned above, I also feel like I have nothing.

No job, no money no security! No Boyfriend. I blame society, why do we have to be defined by how much we have achieved by a certain age, or relationship status? It is emotionally draining and a totally detrimental and outdated attitude towards women.
I know I am not the only one to feel this way among my friends either. So why do we still have these expectations.

I am trying so hard to enjoy myself - take in each moment and new experience but I can't get rid of that little voice in the back of my head - as though I am judging myself and it is making me so unhappy.

At times I blame the stupid boy, but I do believe happiness is a choice and you can't rely on other people to make you truly happy, so why is it so bloody hard?

How Do You Know If Someone Is 'The One'?

There's a boy, I know...

Ok, before I carried away with Whitney Houston let me explain the situation.

The 2 night stand turned into a regular night stand in the run up to my year (maybe longer) trip to Australia, it was all very bittersweet. 

Although we didn't see each other much after the second night, we spoke constantly like every day. He sourced a high end but cheap laptop for me to take on my travels, I sent him a nice bottle of wine to say thank you and Merry Christmas. A week before I left he came to my Birthday night out and met all my friends, which was when he told me 

'If you wasn't going away I would've made you my Girlfriend by now, I'm really going to miss you and that's why I refused to see you after the second night stand as it would make it harder' 

Needless to say I went home with him that night and didn't leave till gone 7pm the next evening. We just spent the day sleeping, cuddling, and laughing and taking the piss out of each other. 

As I started to pack my bags on the evening of my Birthday I cried for hours as reality hit, and it dawned on me I really do like him and am going to miss him a lot. I can't even explain why I like him; We just get on so well. 

He makes me laugh, we click and we just get each other. Whereas normally I'd hate the way he dresses, I'm not a huge fan of his name, he's not the best looking and he can be a huge player, but I've brushed all those things aside. As they say, 'Make a girl laugh and you can make her do anything'. 

On my Birthday night I ended up driving over to his late at night after drying my tears for one final night together, a good bye if you like. 

It wasn't the greatest as he was sick, and I was emotionally drained, but I felt I needed to say an official goodbye. 

However, now one week into Australia and I have spoken to him every single day, we FaceTime for at least an hour a day. I have spoke to him more than I have my own parents. 

Before I took off, we were texting saying we will miss each other, and when I landed he was already face timing me looking sad saying 'Come back' which was heart breaking. I even sent him a Valentines Day card - I've never sent a Valentines Card to anyone in life before. After taking the Piss and putting it on his snapchat story which I feel embarrassed me, but at the same time was kind of nice he is letting people know - I know he talks to his friends about me because he tells me. He's now told me he has displayed it on the fridge which is nice I suppose. 

I am just so confused, and don't know what to do and I feel like it is holding me back from settling in properly here and from having a good time. 

I told him I would never not go over a man or relationship and he understood and said he would not stop me from going or following my dreams. But when he says things like come back, it tugs at my heart and almost feels manipulative. 

Living with a group of boys they can give good advice from their perspective, as one said 'If you went back, he probably wouldn't want to know' to which I told him and he laughed and agreed it's probably true. 

I know I have to give myself a good 6 months here at least, I don't expect him to 'wait for me' and if the opportunity arose to sleep with a really fit Aussie I wouldn't want to turn it down, but the frame of mind I am currently in I am probably giving of 'Don't approach me' vibes. 

I love talking to him everyday and know I will miss it if we stop, but I don't know whether to cool it down a bit, maybe to once a week. Even though it just feels so natural and not forced at all... And we are so honest with each other, he's told me about his past relationship's, or when girls message him. In reference to one this week he said 'I'd rather you over her any day' 

All of this has me thinking could he be the one?

Get Out My Head

So I wrote previously about the Second Night Stand situation and how much he was frustrating me.... well it continues. 

We haven't seen each other since that night, but still talk every single day. We both agreed nothing else would happen - I have since been on two dates this week which he knows about, and he was snap chatting me Saturday morning with a random girl in his bed. 

He had sourced through a contact of his a cheap laptop that I can take travelling with me, but then was being really difficult about collecting it. 

I need to cut him out and let it go, he is not providing me with anything. I.e a regular fuck buddy / friend with benefits before I leave or the laptop either now. 

He has got into my head massively, I even spoke to him after my date Saturday night, even though it went well and was lovely I still felt the need to speak to him? I frustrate myself being like this. 

We know of some mutual people, and over the weekend someone asked one of my friends about me and if I was seeing him. I am quite a private person, so mentioned it to him as he has obviously been speaking about me to his friends - it is the only way it could get back to this person! 

However, he turns this all on me - saying I am the one gossiping with my friends bla bla bla. More bickering etc and 'I think it is time to say our goodbyes - good luck with travelling' I just replied with the emoji waving hand as I know he is bound to be in touch sooner or later. My close friend who knows the situation think's he is in to me but won't get too close as he knows I am going away and I have played it too cool with him. Like I don't even get jealous when he goes on dates or snapchats me these random girls. 

It is annoying that he makes me out to be the crazy one.... 

You pest messaged  and pursued me for months

You turned up at my work 

You randomly FaceTime me for half hour chats 

You continuously say you don't want to see me - yet  you wouldn't collect the laptop for me but said you would go with me to collect

The list goes on. 

It is the most confusing situation and I don't know what to think. He is not the greatest looking, he does not say nice things to me (he used to but not anymore) yet I have really let him get to me. So frustrating. AgGgGhHhHh!! 

Writing this I have realised he is actually a bit of a gross person, the way he acts. 

But even so, I find him funny and I enjoy talking to him but maybe it is time to let it go for my own sanity and focus on my other dates. 

Am I a Drama Magnet?

When I returned back from travelling this summer, the one night stand from last summer got in touch (he was my get under to get over). We spoke briefly for a while after that one night, and I told him this was a strictly one night thing and there would be no rendezvous and he was happy with that. 

However, we got talking again when he got in touch, it was mainly him doing all the talking - I was not in the slight bit interested, still in holiday romance mood with the Australian. He was quite persistent, even though on many occasions I told him to 'Piss off and stop being a pest' but over time he has grown on me, he easy to talk to and actually quite funny. 

As mean as it is to say that, out of boredom I thought I would take his advances into consideration a little more, so I begun to respond. I told him all about my travels, the Australian, he told me he had split up with his girlfriend (who he was actually on a break with the night we slept together so it came as no surprise to hear they had broken up) and about girls he has been dating and talking to since. 

We got on. It was nice. So we started talking about meeting again.

He said he liked me because I am funny and no drama - it would be very much just about sex. He does not want a girlfriend and I am leaving the country in less than three months. 

After a few failed dates when we had planned to meet, he actually surprised me by turning up to my work whilst I was there and bought me a bar of my favourite chocolate. 

It is of course the most menial of tasks, but no one has done anything like that for me in a long time... If ever! So I was slightly impressed. 

We finally got a date in the diary for our second night stand, I went to his and it was actually really nice. The sex was pretty good, better than the first time, it wasn't awkward at all. I stayed over, we laughed,  we cuddled, he made me breakfast and dropped me to the station so I could make my way to work the next morning. 

It was all good, we spoke for the rest of the day - THEN - over the weekend, we are snap chatting away and he comments on my friends, inviting one over which was actually quite funny at first, then saying he would 'Princess her off' about another. 

Yes, it was funny at first but not when you keep going on about it when I only had sex with you two nights ago. 

It pissed me off. So I deleted his number for a little while, just to allow myself to cool down, but he picks up on it when he looks at WhatsApp to see my picture and last seen gone. 

I didn't even think boys looked at these things? We had a bicker, then Monday he ignores me all day, we spoke in the evening then he brings it up - He says he doesn't want any attachment, and that although I say the same according to him my reaction said something different, and that it's drama. 

Maybe I did react in the wrong way - but he always has been an annoying person and I tell him this all the time - I just thought it was another one of those things. 

I honestly thought he was just trying to test me, press my buttons to see how far he can push me and suss me out - and he has won. 

I told him he was wrong, and that I too am not into drama and that we should maybe leave it here.... All he replied was 'Agreed' and we have not spoken since. 

What has pissed me off more than anything is how much it has pissed me off - I was actually starting to like him - even though I know it can't go further because he doesn't want it to and I am leaving, he was growing on massively. And the fact he liked me because he said I was 'no drama' now he thinks I am drama - did I over react? I don't think so! 

I even had a little cry in the toilets today at work - I had forgotten how nice it was to spend the night with someone like I did with him - it has been ages since I have done that - this year I have had several love em and leave em nights  and I was good at the have sex, no feelings thing - so it has confused me into thinking that maybe I do want a relationship deep down (although not necessarily with him). 

So what if I am drama.... it has only served to remind me that I am human and do still have some feelings left after all. 

Oh yeah.... and that men are still all pricks. 

Reality Check

I need a reality check... Do you ever meet someone and get totally carried away with your thoughts such as planning your wedding and babies names after your first date? 

I know most girls can are guilty of this (well I hope that it's not just me). 

So the Australian whom I met travelling and mentioned in my previous posts has been playing on my mind A LOT lately. 

I know the chances of seeing him again are pretty slim so there wasn't much contact once I left, but then recently we started speaking again, a few saucy snap chats and talking about how much fun we had, catching up etc. Now I have it bad and feel sad when I don't hear from him. It was him that started up the contact again, and was quite persistent now he's gone really quiet. 

The thing is, I can tell he is a proper ladies man AKA a total player, you only have to take a look at his Instagram to see that he mainly follows pretty girls and the majority of his likes and flirty comments are from girls. And he is very vain, he loves a selfie and he wears Uggs... All of these are traits I hate so why do I like him so much? 

Maybe it's because I know I can't have him, or because he's keeping me on my toes. (Also I'm not really talking to anyone else at the moment). 

This is why one night hook ups are easier when there is no contact afterwards, because then you can't start to like the person. 

The fact is, I thought I would see him again as my plan always was to go Australia next year before I even met him. I mentioned this when we met but haven't bought it up since as I don't want him to think I'm going for him, I'm going for myself. If I go I will infact be staying in the complete opposite side of the country to where he lives.

As it stands at the moment, it's not real or ideal. I'm not expecting him not to meet anyone else and the time difference is a bummer to keep up with. But when I receive a message from him it makes me smile and I find myself waking up in the middle of the night to check my phone for anything from him. 

I'm turning crazy!! 

For now I need to forget he exists and untill I'm in his part of town there really is no real reason for us to speak I guess. 

Reality check received. 

Grown Up Sex

Grown up sex... Cold heartless no feelings drunk sex. 

I've never really experienced this before, however all that changed on Friday. I was out drinking after work and was rather drunk after a few glasses of wine (it don't take me much) when I ran into an old school friend. I grew up with this boy, we went to primary school together, I've known him for as long as I can remember and it has always been a simple platonic friendship nothing more, maybe a little childhood crush but that was it... All of my girl friends in school had a crush on him. 

There is sometimes a bit of flirting but it has always been a banter thing - never have I really thought about him in any other way. After a few drinks and catching up on Friday he then says 'Let's get this sexual tension over with.... let's just do it then never talk about it again' 

In my drunken state I agreed, so I left without telling any of my friends and went back to his. In fits of unbelievable giggles at what I was doing - we did it. It was ok, nothing great but all in all a bit weird. I called a cab pretty much soon after and left like nothing happened. We made a pact that neither of us would mention it to anyone or each other ever again nor would we fall for each other and I can safely say that I never would nor would I want to return for a repeat performance. 

All in all I am a little embarrassed about the whole situation - it makes me cringe more than a turn on. Maybe it's because the local childhood heart-throb has now put on a bit of timber (his body was not great) and was only average in bed - disappointment. 

Who knows? But the fact is I had no feelings sex with no repercussions. This is a real grown up step for me - usually I think about it for weeks afterwards but this is one memory I want to burn away never to be thought of again! 

At least I know I can have no feelings sex now but it's not something I am going to make a habit of that's for sure! 

Bed Side Manners

So after my two little holiday romances it's opened up my eyes a bit. I know you shouldn't but when you sleep with someone I do tend to compare to other people I've slept with. 

But I can honestly say, both the guys had very good manners in bed that when compared to my ex made realise even more how very selfish he was. 

So, Toy Boy; a very cute tall, good looking, surfer style sweet guy with an enormous willy. 

I'd been volunteering and was in desperate need of a bikini wax, I was not expecting to sleep with anyone so hadn't addressed it that urgently. However as we're getting down to it I think I have to warn him. 

'I've got a really hairy noonie' I told him, 'How hairy?' He asks 'Like REALLY' and he replied with 'who cares' as he slid my knickers off and we continued which then totally put me at ease, although he did make a bit of a fuss about wearing condoms but soon got over it. But this is what impressed me, he asked where he could cum which I thought was quite considerate as the ex would never do this, and he even got tissues and cleaned me up with him after. 

'If he gets up to get the tissues he's a keeper' my friend said. 

Such a shame I didn't get his number. 

The Australian; so I admit I met him through tinder we'd been texting for a while but kept missing each other so when it was my last night I thought go for it. I was with a couple I know, the four of us went back to their penthouse suite and got very drunk in their hot tub in the hotel room! 

I decided we should go back to mine for a bit more privacy. He held my hand as we walked back chatting about our lives. 

He didn't complain about wearing condoms and he made sure I came first. 

Then the next morning as I woke with an awful hangover he was very caring, rubbing my back and playing with my hair. HUGE BROWNIE POINTS! He didn't rush off either, he hung around whilst I packed and got ready and carried all of my bags to the taxi for me which we shared and dropped him off as I made my way to the airport on to my next country. 

'I'm here for a good time, not a long time'  is a motto a girl I made friends with out there and I think it's one you can apply to all areas of life. 

I'm quite confident sexually, but it's always nicer when you're with someone that treats you well... Even if it just a one night stand. 

So don't forget your bed side manners. You'll get a lot more from it!