Why can't I be happy?

I honestly should be the happiest girl in the world! I am healthy, I have a great relationship with my family whom are all still alive and well, a good group of friends and am currently travelling around some of the most beautiful places in the world.

Why can't I just take in and enjoy the moment and be happy? Why am I constantly searching for more?
I first left to go travelling after a break up and it was the best thing I ever did so naturally after returning home, I wanted to go again, so I did.

But then I met a guy before I left, and although I thought he was great at first as you can read in my previous posts here  he actually turned out to be a total arse and has head fucked me more than anything else.

As much as I can't stop thinking about him, I know I am better off without and he probably wouldn't have made me happy in the long run (plus my friends really dislike him - when I find 'the one' my friends and family will have to love him). But it did get me thinking about my future a lot.

I will be 28 shortly after I return home and I find myself becoming increasingly broody. Although I am lucky to have everything I mentioned above, I also feel like I have nothing.

No job, no money no security! No Boyfriend. I blame society, why do we have to be defined by how much we have achieved by a certain age, or relationship status? It is emotionally draining and a totally detrimental and outdated attitude towards women.
I know I am not the only one to feel this way among my friends either. So why do we still have these expectations.

I am trying so hard to enjoy myself - take in each moment and new experience but I can't get rid of that little voice in the back of my head - as though I am judging myself and it is making me so unhappy.

At times I blame the stupid boy, but I do believe happiness is a choice and you can't rely on other people to make you truly happy, so why is it so bloody hard?

How Do You Know If Someone Is 'The One'?

There's a boy, I know...

Ok, before I carried away with Whitney Houston let me explain the situation.

The 2 night stand turned into a regular night stand in the run up to my year (maybe longer) trip to Australia, it was all very bittersweet. 

Although we didn't see each other much after the second night, we spoke constantly like every day. He sourced a high end but cheap laptop for me to take on my travels, I sent him a nice bottle of wine to say thank you and Merry Christmas. A week before I left he came to my Birthday night out and met all my friends, which was when he told me 

'If you wasn't going away I would've made you my Girlfriend by now, I'm really going to miss you and that's why I refused to see you after the second night stand as it would make it harder' 

Needless to say I went home with him that night and didn't leave till gone 7pm the next evening. We just spent the day sleeping, cuddling, and laughing and taking the piss out of each other. 

As I started to pack my bags on the evening of my Birthday I cried for hours as reality hit, and it dawned on me I really do like him and am going to miss him a lot. I can't even explain why I like him; We just get on so well. 

He makes me laugh, we click and we just get each other. Whereas normally I'd hate the way he dresses, I'm not a huge fan of his name, he's not the best looking and he can be a huge player, but I've brushed all those things aside. As they say, 'Make a girl laugh and you can make her do anything'. 

On my Birthday night I ended up driving over to his late at night after drying my tears for one final night together, a good bye if you like. 

It wasn't the greatest as he was sick, and I was emotionally drained, but I felt I needed to say an official goodbye. 

However, now one week into Australia and I have spoken to him every single day, we FaceTime for at least an hour a day. I have spoke to him more than I have my own parents. 

Before I took off, we were texting saying we will miss each other, and when I landed he was already face timing me looking sad saying 'Come back' which was heart breaking. I even sent him a Valentines Day card - I've never sent a Valentines Card to anyone in life before. After taking the Piss and putting it on his snapchat story which I feel embarrassed me, but at the same time was kind of nice he is letting people know - I know he talks to his friends about me because he tells me. He's now told me he has displayed it on the fridge which is nice I suppose. 

I am just so confused, and don't know what to do and I feel like it is holding me back from settling in properly here and from having a good time. 

I told him I would never not go over a man or relationship and he understood and said he would not stop me from going or following my dreams. But when he says things like come back, it tugs at my heart and almost feels manipulative. 

Living with a group of boys they can give good advice from their perspective, as one said 'If you went back, he probably wouldn't want to know' to which I told him and he laughed and agreed it's probably true. 

I know I have to give myself a good 6 months here at least, I don't expect him to 'wait for me' and if the opportunity arose to sleep with a really fit Aussie I wouldn't want to turn it down, but the frame of mind I am currently in I am probably giving of 'Don't approach me' vibes. 

I love talking to him everyday and know I will miss it if we stop, but I don't know whether to cool it down a bit, maybe to once a week. Even though it just feels so natural and not forced at all... And we are so honest with each other, he's told me about his past relationship's, or when girls message him. In reference to one this week he said 'I'd rather you over her any day' 

All of this has me thinking could he be the one?

Get Out My Head

So I wrote previously about the Second Night Stand situation and how much he was frustrating me.... well it continues. 

We haven't seen each other since that night, but still talk every single day. We both agreed nothing else would happen - I have since been on two dates this week which he knows about, and he was snap chatting me Saturday morning with a random girl in his bed. 

He had sourced through a contact of his a cheap laptop that I can take travelling with me, but then was being really difficult about collecting it. 

I need to cut him out and let it go, he is not providing me with anything. I.e a regular fuck buddy / friend with benefits before I leave or the laptop either now. 

He has got into my head massively, I even spoke to him after my date Saturday night, even though it went well and was lovely I still felt the need to speak to him? I frustrate myself being like this. 

We know of some mutual people, and over the weekend someone asked one of my friends about me and if I was seeing him. I am quite a private person, so mentioned it to him as he has obviously been speaking about me to his friends - it is the only way it could get back to this person! 

However, he turns this all on me - saying I am the one gossiping with my friends bla bla bla. More bickering etc and 'I think it is time to say our goodbyes - good luck with travelling' I just replied with the emoji waving hand as I know he is bound to be in touch sooner or later. My close friend who knows the situation think's he is in to me but won't get too close as he knows I am going away and I have played it too cool with him. Like I don't even get jealous when he goes on dates or snapchats me these random girls. 

It is annoying that he makes me out to be the crazy one.... 

You pest messaged  and pursued me for months

You turned up at my work 

You randomly FaceTime me for half hour chats 

You continuously say you don't want to see me - yet  you wouldn't collect the laptop for me but said you would go with me to collect

The list goes on. 

It is the most confusing situation and I don't know what to think. He is not the greatest looking, he does not say nice things to me (he used to but not anymore) yet I have really let him get to me. So frustrating. AgGgGhHhHh!! 

Writing this I have realised he is actually a bit of a gross person, the way he acts. 

But even so, I find him funny and I enjoy talking to him but maybe it is time to let it go for my own sanity and focus on my other dates. 

Am I a Drama Magnet?

When I returned back from travelling this summer, the one night stand from last summer got in touch (he was my get under to get over). We spoke briefly for a while after that one night, and I told him this was a strictly one night thing and there would be no rendezvous and he was happy with that. 

However, we got talking again when he got in touch, it was mainly him doing all the talking - I was not in the slight bit interested, still in holiday romance mood with the Australian. He was quite persistent, even though on many occasions I told him to 'Piss off and stop being a pest' but over time he has grown on me, he easy to talk to and actually quite funny. 

As mean as it is to say that, out of boredom I thought I would take his advances into consideration a little more, so I begun to respond. I told him all about my travels, the Australian, he told me he had split up with his girlfriend (who he was actually on a break with the night we slept together so it came as no surprise to hear they had broken up) and about girls he has been dating and talking to since. 

We got on. It was nice. So we started talking about meeting again.

He said he liked me because I am funny and no drama - it would be very much just about sex. He does not want a girlfriend and I am leaving the country in less than three months. 

After a few failed dates when we had planned to meet, he actually surprised me by turning up to my work whilst I was there and bought me a bar of my favourite chocolate. 

It is of course the most menial of tasks, but no one has done anything like that for me in a long time... If ever! So I was slightly impressed. 

We finally got a date in the diary for our second night stand, I went to his and it was actually really nice. The sex was pretty good, better than the first time, it wasn't awkward at all. I stayed over, we laughed,  we cuddled, he made me breakfast and dropped me to the station so I could make my way to work the next morning. 

It was all good, we spoke for the rest of the day - THEN - over the weekend, we are snap chatting away and he comments on my friends, inviting one over which was actually quite funny at first, then saying he would 'Princess her off' about another. 

Yes, it was funny at first but not when you keep going on about it when I only had sex with you two nights ago. 

It pissed me off. So I deleted his number for a little while, just to allow myself to cool down, but he picks up on it when he looks at WhatsApp to see my picture and last seen gone. 

I didn't even think boys looked at these things? We had a bicker, then Monday he ignores me all day, we spoke in the evening then he brings it up - He says he doesn't want any attachment, and that although I say the same according to him my reaction said something different, and that it's drama. 

Maybe I did react in the wrong way - but he always has been an annoying person and I tell him this all the time - I just thought it was another one of those things. 

I honestly thought he was just trying to test me, press my buttons to see how far he can push me and suss me out - and he has won. 

I told him he was wrong, and that I too am not into drama and that we should maybe leave it here.... All he replied was 'Agreed' and we have not spoken since. 

What has pissed me off more than anything is how much it has pissed me off - I was actually starting to like him - even though I know it can't go further because he doesn't want it to and I am leaving, he was growing on massively. And the fact he liked me because he said I was 'no drama' now he thinks I am drama - did I over react? I don't think so! 

I even had a little cry in the toilets today at work - I had forgotten how nice it was to spend the night with someone like I did with him - it has been ages since I have done that - this year I have had several love em and leave em nights  and I was good at the have sex, no feelings thing - so it has confused me into thinking that maybe I do want a relationship deep down (although not necessarily with him). 

So what if I am drama.... it has only served to remind me that I am human and do still have some feelings left after all. 

Oh yeah.... and that men are still all pricks. 

Reality Check

I need a reality check... Do you ever meet someone and get totally carried away with your thoughts such as planning your wedding and babies names after your first date? 

I know most girls can are guilty of this (well I hope that it's not just me). 

So the Australian whom I met travelling and mentioned in my previous posts has been playing on my mind A LOT lately. 

I know the chances of seeing him again are pretty slim so there wasn't much contact once I left, but then recently we started speaking again, a few saucy snap chats and talking about how much fun we had, catching up etc. Now I have it bad and feel sad when I don't hear from him. It was him that started up the contact again, and was quite persistent now he's gone really quiet. 

The thing is, I can tell he is a proper ladies man AKA a total player, you only have to take a look at his Instagram to see that he mainly follows pretty girls and the majority of his likes and flirty comments are from girls. And he is very vain, he loves a selfie and he wears Uggs... All of these are traits I hate so why do I like him so much? 

Maybe it's because I know I can't have him, or because he's keeping me on my toes. (Also I'm not really talking to anyone else at the moment). 

This is why one night hook ups are easier when there is no contact afterwards, because then you can't start to like the person. 

The fact is, I thought I would see him again as my plan always was to go Australia next year before I even met him. I mentioned this when we met but haven't bought it up since as I don't want him to think I'm going for him, I'm going for myself. If I go I will infact be staying in the complete opposite side of the country to where he lives.

As it stands at the moment, it's not real or ideal. I'm not expecting him not to meet anyone else and the time difference is a bummer to keep up with. But when I receive a message from him it makes me smile and I find myself waking up in the middle of the night to check my phone for anything from him. 

I'm turning crazy!! 

For now I need to forget he exists and untill I'm in his part of town there really is no real reason for us to speak I guess. 

Reality check received. 

Grown Up Sex

Grown up sex... Cold heartless no feelings drunk sex. 

I've never really experienced this before, however all that changed on Friday. I was out drinking after work and was rather drunk after a few glasses of wine (it don't take me much) when I ran into an old school friend. I grew up with this boy, we went to primary school together, I've known him for as long as I can remember and it has always been a simple platonic friendship nothing more, maybe a little childhood crush but that was it... All of my girl friends in school had a crush on him. 

There is sometimes a bit of flirting but it has always been a banter thing - never have I really thought about him in any other way. After a few drinks and catching up on Friday he then says 'Let's get this sexual tension over with.... let's just do it then never talk about it again' 

In my drunken state I agreed, so I left without telling any of my friends and went back to his. In fits of unbelievable giggles at what I was doing - we did it. It was ok, nothing great but all in all a bit weird. I called a cab pretty much soon after and left like nothing happened. We made a pact that neither of us would mention it to anyone or each other ever again nor would we fall for each other and I can safely say that I never would nor would I want to return for a repeat performance. 

All in all I am a little embarrassed about the whole situation - it makes me cringe more than a turn on. Maybe it's because the local childhood heart-throb has now put on a bit of timber (his body was not great) and was only average in bed - disappointment. 

Who knows? But the fact is I had no feelings sex with no repercussions. This is a real grown up step for me - usually I think about it for weeks afterwards but this is one memory I want to burn away never to be thought of again! 

At least I know I can have no feelings sex now but it's not something I am going to make a habit of that's for sure! 

Bed Side Manners

So after my two little holiday romances it's opened up my eyes a bit. I know you shouldn't but when you sleep with someone I do tend to compare to other people I've slept with. 

But I can honestly say, both the guys had very good manners in bed that when compared to my ex made realise even more how very selfish he was. 

So, Toy Boy; a very cute tall, good looking, surfer style sweet guy with an enormous willy. 

I'd been volunteering and was in desperate need of a bikini wax, I was not expecting to sleep with anyone so hadn't addressed it that urgently. However as we're getting down to it I think I have to warn him. 

'I've got a really hairy noonie' I told him, 'How hairy?' He asks 'Like REALLY' and he replied with 'who cares' as he slid my knickers off and we continued which then totally put me at ease, although he did make a bit of a fuss about wearing condoms but soon got over it. But this is what impressed me, he asked where he could cum which I thought was quite considerate as the ex would never do this, and he even got tissues and cleaned me up with him after. 

'If he gets up to get the tissues he's a keeper' my friend said. 

Such a shame I didn't get his number. 

The Australian; so I admit I met him through tinder we'd been texting for a while but kept missing each other so when it was my last night I thought go for it. I was with a couple I know, the four of us went back to their penthouse suite and got very drunk in their hot tub in the hotel room! 

I decided we should go back to mine for a bit more privacy. He held my hand as we walked back chatting about our lives. 

He didn't complain about wearing condoms and he made sure I came first. 

Then the next morning as I woke with an awful hangover he was very caring, rubbing my back and playing with my hair. HUGE BROWNIE POINTS! He didn't rush off either, he hung around whilst I packed and got ready and carried all of my bags to the taxi for me which we shared and dropped him off as I made my way to the airport on to my next country. 

'I'm here for a good time, not a long time'  is a motto a girl I made friends with out there and I think it's one you can apply to all areas of life. 

I'm quite confident sexually, but it's always nicer when you're with someone that treats you well... Even if it just a one night stand. 

So don't forget your bed side manners. You'll get a lot more from it!

Love, Travel & Finding yourself - an update of the last six months.

Wow! It's been a while since I updated this blog. 

At the beginning of the year I went off on my little travelling adventure and hand on heart it was the best decision I ever made. I had the most amazing experience and miss it so much I plan to go away again next year as soon as I find the funds. 

I wouldn't say I've changed but perhaps my outlook and perception on life has. I've grown up and found myself a bit more. Before I went I was lost and confused, and although I've had a few wobbly days since returning I'm trying to keep this frame of mind. 

Life is too short, if you want to do something then do it. You'll always find a way to make things work. Worrying about what other people think is a waste of time. 

Any lovers? A couple, but when travelling and you have flights to catch and places to be the next day it's hard to stay in touch. 

There was the toy boy from Isle of Wight who left for Cambodia the next day, and we didn't swap numbers unfortunately, he was so good looking and had the HUGEST penis I've ever come into contact with - I am going to a festival in September though in Isle of Wight so if we see each other then it's fate. 

And then the Australian who was also VERY good looking but I think he may be Bi as he does have some gay tendencies. I left for Hong Kong the next day but we are still in touch a little bit and who ever knows we could meet up again when I take a trip over there the next year. 

Although they were just one night stand holiday romances both were such lovely boys. 

I'm still loving single life but maybe wouldn't mind finding someone to hang out with, not to necessarily settle down with but someone who's there for the long run and wants to explore the world with me. 

I am so much happier and in a better place than I was last year and long may it continue. 

Onwards and Upwards

I've already posted a 2014 reflection but I feel I still have a few things to put to bed. 

Yesterday a friend phoned to inform me that the Lobster was pregnant with married girl (last I heard her divorce hadn't even been finalised). It was a little shocking to say the least and I kind of just felt numb. 

I didn't really know what to do or say so I opened a bottle of Prosecco before midday still in my pyjamas with my best friend (not to celebrate but because it's my favourite drink). We sat, we talked, we analysed. 

I took a shower and tried to cry but I couldn't. 

How are you meant to feel in this situation? I don't know. 

The fact is I don't know that person anymore, it doesn't mean anything to me. I did have some lovely memories but they became tarnished when we fell out. 

It is not going to have any effect on my life what so ever. I've distanced myself from that crowd and I'm leaving for my adventure soon. 

But kids though? I know I'm nearly 26 but having a baby is the last thing on my list right now and if I was going to do it I would like it to be with the person I am married to (not the one I met on my hen do and am currently shacked up with whilst divorcing my husband whom I was married to for 3 months if that). 

I've seen first hand how much having kids can change your life and it has put me off for a good few years. Many of my friends feel the same but then some of the people I know from my home town have a different outlook on life. They don't seem to have much going on so have a baby. 

Bringing another person into the world does not secure a relationship or make a man love you anymore someone told me and I believe it to be true. I've seen it happen, men cheating whilst they have a family at home. 

There are so many things I want to see and do before I ever settle down and that's what I intend to go and do. I no longer want to focus on the past, the hurt or the people associated with that time in my life. 

I know who the shit stirrers are and the ones who keep watching what I do but I also know who my real friends are and that's all that matters. 

As much as it's been an on-going topic full of unbelievable circumstances (you honestly couldn't make this shit up) regarding the lobster it is now in the past and as much as I have learned from it and how it has shaped me as a person it has no meaning to my current life so will no longer be mentioned. 

Happy New Year xoxoxo 

End Of Year Reflection

So... What a year it has been! From starting the year as a heart broken mess, booking myself into therapy, having my first one night stand to planning to go travelling. 

I've cried, I've laughed, I've reconnected with old friends, but most of all I've learnt that everything will be ok in the end. 

Christmas and New Year is always a time for reflection and something I usually find depressing especially after last years awful Christmas, I was particularly concerned about the approaching season and how I would feel about it. But in all honestly I've never felt happier. 

I've learnt that my real friends will always be my friends what ever. There's no point in worrying, time is a healer and everything works out for the best. 

Forgive and forget? Not 100% if I would say that just yet, but over it? Yes. Couldn't give a fuck? Yes. Happy? Yes. 

For what started out to be a crappy year 2014 turned out to be one of the best yet. 

Count your blessings and achievements. I guarantee you have more than failures. If you're not happy about something change it. Be brave, be proud, believe in yourself, love yourself and NEVER let anyone make you feel that you are worthless. 

Here's to a Happy 2015 to all my single ladies. 

Secret Identity

I have always said I would keep this blog as anonymous as possible, however I have a sneaking suspicion I've been sussed (and I always trust my gut instinct, it serves me well and is right 99% of the time). 

My first thoughts when I realised someone was on to me was SHIT! Sheer Panic. But then I let it sink in, and thought actually fuck it. I have nothing to be ashamed of, I may come across as a bit of a Cunt in some posts but everything I write about is how I feel or felt at that certain time in my life. 

Writing for me is a form of therapy, it always has been. Whilst a bit of a exhibitionist I can also be quite introvert (typical Aquarian) and enjoy nothing more than shutting myself away to read or write. So whilst writing has been an escape and somewhere to explore and understand my feelings, some posts may have been written off the cuff, in anger, despair, drunk or hungover. 

All I ask is that if you are going to read it, (Hiya - I know who you are and it's quite a compliment you actually read and found your way here) then please don't judge me until you have read every single post from the beginning, here I will even link it for you so it is easier for you to get to. (CLICK HERE) 

Wearing my heart on my sleeve is what has got me here and I am not going to stop now. 

I also ask that you don't talk about it openly - like the best things in life, let people discover it for themselves if they want to. 

As a girl I trust you'll view things from a woman's perspective and have the decency to respect it. 

What's your number?

How many people have you slept with? It's a question that many of us dread for a number of reasons. But does it still matter? 

My number is 5. I always say I'm quite proud that I can count on one hand the amount of people I've slept with, but I also think it's about time I put myself out there to experience a bit more. 

I lost my virginity when I was 14 with my first ever boyfriend, who I went out with till I was 16. 

After that it was a boy I met on my first girls holiday, a little holiday romance that left me devastated when nothing developed on returning home. 

After that I had a 2 1/2 year dry spell, whilst everyone was getting laid at uni I was the opposite focussing on my studies instead. Then came along The Lobster. An on/off, are they, aren't they, friends with benefits situation which again left me devastated when I fell hard, and he wanted nothing more. 

Between him was the one I don't really count, (we all have one) a kind of friend of the lobster who always flirted with me, so whilst we were 'off' and he was seeing another girl I thought I'd go one better and sleep with this guy. It was pretty lame. 

Then the one night stand. And that's my five. 

Whilst having this conversation with the girls the other day we all had different numbers and stories. One friend counted 6, two of whom she had 'recycled' meaning an ex or someone you've slept with before who you then went back to. Whilst the other friend counted 26, only one was a one night stand, the rest she had dated before sleeping with them. 

But does it matter? What would you say if your partner asked you this question? Sex Expert Tracey Cox says that no matter what you answered it's likely it would still be too many to a partner, even if had slept with 300 people. It is thought that the average 30 year old woman has slept with 8-10 people, but then what's the average? 

If my partner told me he'd slept with 100's of women I would hate it. The Lobster told me he had slept with around 15 people, and it made me feel sick. (I have issues I admit that) I don't think it's so much the number that counts but more the thought of your partner sleeping with someone else. 

Thoughts? What's your number and the stories behind them? 

Sexual Harassment In The Workplace

So maybe the title of this post is a little strong for what happened, but hear me out. 

I've recently started a new job, one of my old male contacts got in touch and offered me a position at his company. During the catch up / interview / meeting I congratulated him on his engagement to his long term girlfriend, and he mentioned how she said something that she was paranoid or had facebook stalked me and said 'she has an amazing body' fair enough maybe she did but WHY would you then tell me that? A little bit awkward but I let it pass. 

Anyhow, just two weeks in and a few of us have to visit a client in a different city, when arranging he joked about only booking one hotel room which made me feel very uncomfortable and not sure if it was a joke or not. Turns out only one room was booked and not rectified untill we arrived there. 

We work for the day, discuss his wedding plans then all go out for drinks in the evening (bear in mind I am the only female on this trip). He seemed like a lightweight when it came to keeping up with the other men, whereas I am quite used to drinking with the boys. However when he said let's call it a night, being professional I agreed it was time to get some sleep whilst the big boys stayed out to play. 

So walking down the hotel corridor he begins to say 'come back to my room' which I replied no, walking past his room he continues to walk with me towards mine and said he's staying there, I was like no you're not he then pulls me towards him as if to try and kiss me... I pushed him away instantly shouting 'What the fuck are you doing? You're engaged' and pushed him out of the room. 

Locking the door I was physically shaking, felt sick and on the verge of tears. It was only a phonecall to my friend that calmed me down! It made me feel cheap and dirty and down right furious. I feel violated. What ever made him think that I was interested? I'm not and never have been and I certainly have not led him on in the slightest. 

Am I overreacting here? 

My friend who works in a male dominated industry in the city says I should just brush it off and that the men she works with get drunk and do it all the time. It makes me so angry. 

The next morning I went for breakfast alone, I couldn't bare to speak to him but we then had an awkward 3hour car journey back just the two of us. However, he did mention he was sick when he got in as if that's some excuse or way of saying 'I was really drunk' and tell me 'You look hungover today' Fuck.You. 

I don't see him most days so in the office it's ok, I'm trying to remain as normal and professional as I can be but he literally makes my skin crawl and feel sick everytime I look at him now. I'm just going to suck it up and get on with my job as I am only there till January before I go off on my travels. 3 months and counting! 

Fair to say my man hating level is now off the roof. His poor fiancé. Another woman ending up with a man who don't deserve her. 

I'm Single... Get Me Out Of Here.

Urgh, it's like I take 10 steps forward and 11 back. 

Last week I attended an event in which I knew Lobster and married girl were attending so of course I rocked up looking fucking fabulous, air kissing and schmoozing with everyone without a care in the world. But it was all an act. 

Inside I felt on edge, nervous and shit. And it's left me in a crappy mood for the remainder of this week. Once the night was over I broke down, not because I still want him but because the things he did and said still affect and hurt me. He left me with no confidence, and although I put on a bloody good show I'm not 100% over it. I'm over him, just not the situation. 

So when I was crying (I blame the wine) all my good friends (male and female) were surrounding me trying to make me feel better, saying she hasn't got a patch on me (which I must admit is true) and saying how he's a looser, they're both disgusting for what they've done with their questionable morals and home wrecking ways. 

One friend who sat at the same table for a little while says the girl sat there openly taking about the fact she cheated on her husband with no shame. 

For someone that takes marriage and vows seriously I find this highly offensive whilst the looser sat there without a care in the world. Gross, just gross. 

What's bugging me is that she is befriending a lot of what I would call my friends. Of course it's going to happen, she's moved to this area and doesn't know anyone and I don't think she would have many friends left in her hometown either, but it's really pissed me off. Not that I'm going to let anyone know this fact. 

Tonight it came up on my newsfeed that they are going out with a few other couples whom I know. But I also know that nearly every single one of them boyfriends have cheated... Some not that long ago. So enjoy your night out pretending but we know the truth.

I know I sound really bitter, as I cry into my pizza sitting in on a Friday night, but I find it fucking sickening. I have no faith in love, or men at the moment and I think that breaks my heart more than anything else. 

Sorry I was too good for you.

It's a year today when I finally said 'I'm done'. 

After returning from Ibiza (my spiritual home) I realised enough was enough, it was on good terms until the explosive venomous arguement at Christmas happened which then led to therapy. But I'm in a good place now and I've learnt so much (especially about myself). 

Taking a step back and looking at the situation from a different view you see things much clearer. 

And I know you shouldn't do it but even comparing myself to the new girlfriend ( the one he met on her Hen Do, she got married, now they live together. Like you do.) I can see why it would have never worked out. My friends always said it but now I understand. He was intimidated by me. 

I'm educated, fun, confident, have a large group of different but good friends, I get to go to great events and mix with some amazing people, I get on with everyone, most people like me, I can be a little high-maintenance or spoilt at times, I love going out, and always try to make the best of myself and I wouldn't change myself easily for anyone. But I almost did. 

Not to be mean but looking at the new girlfriend I can see why he likes her, she's quiet, plain, basic, not many friends,  awful dress sense and follows him round like a lost puppy. He wants someone that makes him feel better about himself, someone he can control, someone a level below him that will look up to him and idolise him. The fact that she has now moved in with him having not even knowing each other a year, away from her family and friends says it all. 

Seeing pictures of her and seeing her out I actually feel a little bit sorry for her, trying to make new friends with everyone and just looking plain awkward. It can't be nice. 

I know sometimes relationships and marriage just don't work out but throwing it all away without really trying for some idiot who charmed you on one of your last nights of freedom (as exciting as it must of been) seems like a waste and I hope it's a descision the poor young, foolish girl doesn't live to regret. 

And I'm sorry (not really) that I was too good for you. 

Will I ever love again?

Will I ever love again? Will I ever let myself fully go and show my full self to another person? Will I ever allow myself to become so deeply emotionally involved? 

These are the questions I've been asking myself recently. And the honest answer is I don't know. 

In the past I've been cut so deep that it has left some painful emotional scars. And like a real life cut the scar tissue occasionally hurts to remind me there's still a healing wound there. 

Reminders of the lobster keep cropping up whether I go looking for them or not. I've pretty much erradicated everyone I possibly can from Social Media accounts and newsfeeds but there are still a few that filter through that I can't get rid off unfortunately. 

Overall I'm in a good place at the moment, I quit my job and have found temp work to save money to go travelling with which I am definitely doing... Partly because I am running away from it all and because I have the opportunity. But these are still the questions that keep me up at night... Especially when others seem to be able to move on so quickly with their lives. 

I have a sneaking suspicion that Lobsters girlfriend is moving in with him. Our relationship if you can call it that has been over for nearly a year now, but it took me so long to face up to my feelings and admit I'd been hit hard by it all that it feels shorter. 

I've had my fair share of dates and fun this year but nothing significant, I just can't seem to give myself away (not that this is a bad thing, I believe it to be a good quality) but I am at the point where I am over cautious and generally not interested in anyone but myself. 

I miss that loving, all consuming, can't think of anyone else infatuation. When I get it bad, I get it BAD. 

Now I just sound like a bad meatloaf song 'Can anybody find me somebody to love'. 

Goodnight xoxoxo 

I don't know where I'm going but I know it'll be fun...

The last month or so I have made some pretty spontaneous and drastic descisions. I don't know what's happened but I like it.

First the one night stand, then I quit my job, now I plan to go travelling. 

Life is too fucking short to be unhappy or stay in one place. 

I don't know where I am going, but I like the journey it's taking me on and I know it'll be fun. 

If you would have told me this time last year that I would be planning this I would have never believed you. I was trying so hard to be the perfect girl for someone who didn't care. 

I haven't been happy in my job for sometime so I handed in my notice, without anything lined up, I plan to temp until Christmas (although they are now begging me to stay, so I will see if we can negotiate a deal that would be worth me staying until the end of the year).

The last few months, travelling has started to look more appealing, and when a friend mentioned Thailand for New Year, the words "Fuck it, shall we not come back" were the first to cross my mind. Even if I end up doing it on my own, I feel it's something I have to do.

The more I think about it, the more I want to do it. Breaking the news to my grandparents was the hardest, I haven't even booked a flight yet and my Grandad already looked like he was going to cry. Then my Mum helpfully explained "She hasn't got a boyfriend or anything here for her" Errrm, yeah thanks for reminding me Mother. 

But she's right, it's a now or never moment. I could stay here, settle for an ok job, carry on going to the same dead end places, with the same mundane people, save up for a car or to move out, the rest I would spend on getting so ridiculously drunk that I can't even remember my own name... Or I could go and see the world, experience new things and live to the fullest. Then come home and do all that boring settling down stuff. 

So here are some corny quotes that sum up my feelings right now; 

One Night Stands and Selfies

After a 10 month dry spell (which is nothing by the way... I've gone 2 years dry before) my friends have been telling me to get out there, but I was adamant I would wait until I was ready and last night I was. 

I've been on a few dates, but nothing that even slightly whetted my appetite. However whilst out last night, there was a bit of flirting going on at the bar... And when this particular guy begun whispering dirty things in my ear it was game over for me. I was going over. 

I have never, ever done anything like this before, so at least I can now tick 'One night stand' off on my bucket list. (Please note, whilst it's all fun and games it's not something I would promote, it only dawned on me earlier how dangerous it could be, but my friends knew who I was with and they were at his friends after party) No.1 rule for one night stand... Always tell someone where you are. 

The sex was average, so it will definitely remain a one night stand as it was not that amazing to go back to. He was decent enough, good looking, respectful, we both discussed what we wanted from the evening, and even had a good chat and banter after. 

But it's how I felt after which was the best bit, I felt amazing. Liberated, powerful, free! Feminism and Girl Power. I could do such a thing and have no repercussions. I feel like I've grown from a girl into a woman.  

I wasted all of my early 20's on the lobster that it's only recently I've actually started living and gaining these life experiences. I am having so much fun!! 

I even handed my notice in at work as I believe life is too short to be unhappy. If you don't like something, make a change. 

I am now so confident and comfortable with myself and my choices and who I am as a person in general. I think this shows on dates, I can be silly and be myself and my new thing is to take a silly selfie with my date to send to friends. And one night stand guy was more than happy to oblige, in fact he even suggested it first, which has scored me huge cocktail points with the girls. 

D Day... An open letter.

Last week, 25th June, marked 6 months till Christmas. However I counted it as six months since last Christmas. 

The day when it felt like my heart had shattered into a tiny million pieces. 

It was clearly marked in my diary... Some point during the weeks after that awful day I had set the date as my D Day. If I still felt the same by this set date, I would contact the Lobster. Thank Fuck, I managed to get over it before this date came around. 

The last six months, have been some of the most funniest, random and happiest moments I've had, even after the emotional turmoil I thought would never end. It's true what they say, that time is a great healer. I feel like I needed to go through that pain to find myself, to get to know and realise who I am and what I want and what I am willing to stand for and put up with in a relationship. (With a little help from my friends, sister and a few therapy sessions). 

Sometime's it's not the person you can't get over, but the hurtful things they did and said. 

So here's my open letter; 

There has been a million scenarios in my head in which I have planned as to what I would say to you if I saw you, but when I did there was nothing to say. Looking at you made me feel empty inside. You looked sad and slightly ashamed, it didn't make me gloat or feel sad or feel better. Just nothing. You had sucked and drained me of every emotion possible, there was nothing left. You were just a stranger in a room.

 You also looked homeless and not in a chic way. 

No one has ever caused me so much pain or hurt me as deep as you have. 

Yes, I could give as good as I got, and would call you a Cunt on a regular basis, but if you wasn't so Cunty I wouldn't have had to call you one. I only ever wanted to hurt you back as much as you hurt me, because deep down although I never admitted it or said it out loud,I loved you. I. Loved. You. (It took a lot of therapy to get that out). 

 Normal people don't go around destroying other human beings. That's how I felt that day. Destroyed. 

It's not just my feelings you destroyed. I dread to think of those you hurt along the way in shacking up with you're girlfriend whom you met on her Hen Party (at one of the worst clubs I have ever been to) after 3 months of marriage? Classy. I do still sometimes look at what you're up to, but more out of curiosity than anything.

I have learnt to accept you will never grow some balls and apologise, but that's fine by me. I've gained friends, whilst you've lost the great ones we shared. 

I have nothing at all else to say, but I hope you know what it feels to have felt like that day. Some day. One day. 

Independent Woman

'All my women who independent, throw your hands up at me' - I'm sure I'm not the only one who spent their teen years singing along to this Destiny's Child song along with the rest of the 'Writings on the wall' album which was all about strong women and not relying on a man.... But what happens when you become too independent? Or too used to being on your own? 

I love my little life, my little bubble. I've recently been talking to a guy, a friend of a friend (we plan to meet up for a drink this Friday) he seems like a good one, funny, quite good looking, texts me first etc etc....

However, this is where I get freaked out. He's not a bug-a-boo at all.... Yet anyway. But he will text me most days, general chit chat, and he calls too. 

There's nothing wrong this I know, it's nice. But I feel I have got so used to be being on my own and not having to reply or answer to people that I start to ignore him, I don't mean to do it on purpose and I don't want to loose him before I've even got him but I'm finding it hard. 

All my friends have told me I need to be more accessible as I'm becoming known as the girl who's too high maintenance and too much hard work (even though I quite like that title). 

I feel like I am stuck in the lobster days, where he would ignore me or say I was bugging him by calling for a chat that I am now the total opposite. 

My experience with him has made me quite reserved, whereas I should be more open towards people. 

As my friend and fellow blogger @27Single told me "If you made yourself any more unavailable you wouldn't exist".