Monday, June 30, 2014

D Day... An open letter.

Last week, 25th June, marked 6 months till Christmas. However I counted it as six months since last Christmas. 
The day when it felt like my heart had shattered into a tiny million pieces. 

It was clearly marked in my diary... Some point during the weeks after that awful day I had set the date as my D Day. If I still felt the same by this set date, I would contact the Lobster. Thank Fuck, I managed to get over it before this date came around. 
The last six months, have been some of the most funniest, random and happiest moments I've had, even after the emotional turmoil I thought would never end. It's true what they say, that time is a great healer. I feel like I needed to go through that pain to find myself, to get to know and realise who I am and what I want and what I am willing to stand for and put up with in a relationship. (With a little help from my friends, sister and a few therapy sessions). 

Sometime's it's not the person you can't get over, but the hurtful things they did and said. 

So here's my open letter; 
There has been a million scenarios in my head in which I have planned as to what I would say to you if I saw you, but when I did there was nothing to say. Looking at you made me feel empty inside. You looked sad and slightly ashamed, it didn't make me gloat or feel sad or feel better. Just nothing. You had sucked and drained me of every emotion possible, there was nothing left. You were just a stranger in a room.
 You also looked homeless and not in a chic way. 
No one has ever caused me so much pain or hurt me as deep as you have. 
Yes, I could give as good as I got, and would call you a Cunt on a regular basis, but if you wasn't so Cunty I wouldn't have had to call you one. I only ever wanted to hurt you back as much as you hurt me, because deep down although I never admitted it or said it out loud,I loved you. I. Loved. You. (It took a lot of therapy to get that out). 
 Normal people don't go around destroying other human beings. That's how I felt that day. Destroyed. 
It's not just my feelings you destroyed. I dread to think of those you hurt along the way in shacking up with you're girlfriend whom you met on her Hen Party (at one of the worst clubs I have ever been to) after 3 months of marriage? Classy. I do still sometimes look at what you're up to, but more out of curiosity than anything.

I have learnt to accept you will never grow some balls and apologise, but that's fine by me. I've gained friends, whilst you've lost the great ones we shared. 
I have nothing at all else to say, but I hope you know what it feels to have felt like that day. Some day. One day. 

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Independent Woman

'All my women who independent, throw your hands up at me' - I'm sure I'm not the only one who spent their teen years singing along to this Destiny's Child song along with the rest of the 'Writings on the wall' album which was all about strong women and not relying on a man.... But what happens when you become too independent? Or too used to being on your own? 

I love my little life, my little bubble. I've recently been talking to a guy, a friend of a friend (we plan to meet up for a drink this Friday) he seems like a good one, funny, quite good looking, texts me first etc etc....
However, this is where I get freaked out. He's not a bug-a-boo at all.... Yet anyway. But he will text me most days, general chit chat, and he calls too. 

There's nothing wrong this I know, it's nice. But I feel I have got so used to be being on my own and not having to reply or answer to people that I start to ignore him, I don't mean to do it on purpose and I don't want to loose him before I've even got him but I'm finding it hard. 

All my friends have told me I need to be more accessible as I'm becoming known as the girl who's too high maintenance and too much hard work (even though I quite like that title). 

I feel like I am stuck in the lobster days, where he would ignore me or say I was bugging him by calling for a chat that I am now the total opposite. 
My experience with him has made me quite reserved, whereas I should be more open towards people. 

As my friend and fellow blogger @27Single told me "If you made yourself any more unavailable you wouldn't exist".