Sunday, December 28, 2014

End Of Year Reflection

So... What a year it has been! From starting the year as a heart broken mess, booking myself into therapy, having my first one night stand to planning to go travelling. 
I've cried, I've laughed, I've reconnected with old friends, but most of all I've learnt that everything will be ok in the end. 

Christmas and New Year is always a time for reflection and something I usually find depressing especially after last years awful Christmas, I was particularly concerned about the approaching season and how I would feel about it. But in all honestly I've never felt happier. 

I've learnt that my real friends will always be my friends what ever. There's no point in worrying, time is a healer and everything works out for the best. 

Forgive and forget? Not 100% if I would say that just yet, but over it? Yes. Couldn't give a fuck? Yes. Happy? Yes. 

For what started out to be a crappy year 2014 turned out to be one of the best yet. 
Count your blessings and achievements. I guarantee you have more than failures. If you're not happy about something change it. Be brave, be proud, believe in yourself, love yourself and NEVER let anyone make you feel that you are worthless. 

Here's to a Happy 2015 to all my single ladies. 

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Secret Identity

I have always said I would keep this blog as anonymous as possible, however I have a sneaking suspicion I've been sussed (and I always trust my gut instinct, it serves me well and is right 99% of the time). 

My first thoughts when I realised someone was on to me was SHIT! Sheer Panic. But then I let it sink in, and thought actually fuck it. I have nothing to be ashamed of, I may come across as a bit of a Cunt in some posts but everything I write about is how I feel or felt at that certain time in my life. 

Writing for me is a form of therapy, it always has been. Whilst a bit of a exhibitionist I can also be quite introvert (typical Aquarian) and enjoy nothing more than shutting myself away to read or write. So whilst writing has been an escape and somewhere to explore and understand my feelings, some posts may have been written off the cuff, in anger, despair, drunk or hungover. 

All I ask is that if you are going to read it, (Hiya - I know who you are and it's quite a compliment you actually read and found your way here) then please don't judge me until you have read every single post from the beginning, here I will even link it for you so it is easier for you to get to. (CLICK HERE

Wearing my heart on my sleeve is what has got me here and I am not going to stop now. 

I also ask that you don't talk about it openly - like the best things in life, let people discover it for themselves if they want to. 
As a girl I trust you'll view things from a woman's perspective and have the decency to respect it. 

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

What's your number?

How many people have you slept with? It's a question that many of us dread for a number of reasons. But does it still matter? 

My number is 5. I always say I'm quite proud that I can count on one hand the amount of people I've slept with, but I also think it's about time I put myself out there to experience a bit more. 
I lost my virginity when I was 14 with my first ever boyfriend, who I went out with till I was 16. 
After that it was a boy I met on my first girls holiday, a little holiday romance that left me devastated when nothing developed on returning home. 
After that I had a 2 1/2 year dry spell, whilst everyone was getting laid at uni I was the opposite focussing on my studies instead. Then came along The Lobster. An on/off, are they, aren't they, friends with benefits situation which again left me devastated when I fell hard, and he wanted nothing more. 
Between him was the one I don't really count, (we all have one) a kind of friend of the lobster who always flirted with me, so whilst we were 'off' and he was seeing another girl I thought I'd go one better and sleep with this guy. It was pretty lame. 
Then the one night stand. And that's my five. 

Whilst having this conversation with the girls the other day we all had different numbers and stories. One friend counted 6, two of whom she had 'recycled' meaning an ex or someone you've slept with before who you then went back to. Whilst the other friend counted 26, only one was a one night stand, the rest she had dated before sleeping with them. 

But does it matter? What would you say if your partner asked you this question? Sex Expert Tracey Cox says that no matter what you answered it's likely it would still be too many to a partner, even if had slept with 300 people. It is thought that the average 30 year old woman has slept with 8-10 people, but then what's the average? 

If my partner told me he'd slept with 100's of women I would hate it. The Lobster told me he had slept with around 15 people, and it made me feel sick. (I have issues I admit that) I don't think it's so much the number that counts but more the thought of your partner sleeping with someone else. 

Thoughts? What's your number and the stories behind them? 

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Sexual Harassment In The Workplace

So maybe the title of this post is a little strong for what happened, but hear me out. 

I've recently started a new job, one of my old male contacts got in touch and offered me a position at his company. During the catch up / interview / meeting I congratulated him on his engagement to his long term girlfriend, and he mentioned how she said something that she was paranoid or had facebook stalked me and said 'she has an amazing body' fair enough maybe she did but WHY would you then tell me that? A little bit awkward but I let it pass. 

Anyhow, just two weeks in and a few of us have to visit a client in a different city, when arranging he joked about only booking one hotel room which made me feel very uncomfortable and not sure if it was a joke or not. Turns out only one room was booked and not rectified untill we arrived there. 

We work for the day, discuss his wedding plans then all go out for drinks in the evening (bear in mind I am the only female on this trip). He seemed like a lightweight when it came to keeping up with the other men, whereas I am quite used to drinking with the boys. However when he said let's call it a night, being professional I agreed it was time to get some sleep whilst the big boys stayed out to play. 

So walking down the hotel corridor he begins to say 'come back to my room' which I replied no, walking past his room he continues to walk with me towards mine and said he's staying there, I was like no you're not he then pulls me towards him as if to try and kiss me... I pushed him away instantly shouting 'What the fuck are you doing? You're engaged' and pushed him out of the room. 
Locking the door I was physically shaking, felt sick and on the verge of tears. It was only a phonecall to my friend that calmed me down! It made me feel cheap and dirty and down right furious. I feel violated. What ever made him think that I was interested? I'm not and never have been and I certainly have not led him on in the slightest. 

Am I overreacting here? 
My friend who works in a male dominated industry in the city says I should just brush it off and that the men she works with get drunk and do it all the time. It makes me so angry. 

The next morning I went for breakfast alone, I couldn't bare to speak to him but we then had an awkward 3hour car journey back just the two of us. However, he did mention he was sick when he got in as if that's some excuse or way of saying 'I was really drunk' and tell me 'You look hungover today' Fuck.You. 

I don't see him most days so in the office it's ok, I'm trying to remain as normal and professional as I can be but he literally makes my skin crawl and feel sick everytime I look at him now. I'm just going to suck it up and get on with my job as I am only there till January before I go off on my travels. 3 months and counting! 

Fair to say my man hating level is now off the roof. His poor fiancĂ©. Another woman ending up with a man who don't deserve her. 

Friday, October 17, 2014

I'm Single... Get Me Out Of Here.

Urgh, it's like I take 10 steps forward and 11 back. 

Last week I attended an event in which I knew Lobster and married girl were attending so of course I rocked up looking fucking fabulous, air kissing and schmoozing with everyone without a care in the world. But it was all an act. 

Inside I felt on edge, nervous and shit. And it's left me in a crappy mood for the remainder of this week. Once the night was over I broke down, not because I still want him but because the things he did and said still affect and hurt me. He left me with no confidence, and although I put on a bloody good show I'm not 100% over it. I'm over him, just not the situation. 
So when I was crying (I blame the wine) all my good friends (male and female) were surrounding me trying to make me feel better, saying she hasn't got a patch on me (which I must admit is true) and saying how he's a looser, they're both disgusting for what they've done with their questionable morals and home wrecking ways. 
One friend who sat at the same table for a little while says the girl sat there openly taking about the fact she cheated on her husband with no shame. 
For someone that takes marriage and vows seriously I find this highly offensive whilst the looser sat there without a care in the world. Gross, just gross. 

What's bugging me is that she is befriending a lot of what I would call my friends. Of course it's going to happen, she's moved to this area and doesn't know anyone and I don't think she would have many friends left in her hometown either, but it's really pissed me off. Not that I'm going to let anyone know this fact. 

Tonight it came up on my newsfeed that they are going out with a few other couples whom I know. But I also know that nearly every single one of them boyfriends have cheated... Some not that long ago. So enjoy your night out pretending but we know the truth.

I know I sound really bitter, as I cry into my pizza sitting in on a Friday night, but I find it fucking sickening. I have no faith in love, or men at the moment and I think that breaks my heart more than anything else. 

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Sorry I was too good for you.

It's a year today when I finally said 'I'm done'
After returning from Ibiza (my spiritual home) I realised enough was enough, it was on good terms until the explosive venomous arguement at Christmas happened which then led to therapy. But I'm in a good place now and I've learnt so much (especially about myself). 

Taking a step back and looking at the situation from a different view you see things much clearer. 
And I know you shouldn't do it but even comparing myself to the new girlfriend ( the one he met on her Hen Do, she got married, now they live together. Like you do.) I can see why it would have never worked out. My friends always said it but now I understand. He was intimidated by me. 
I'm educated, fun, confident, have a large group of different but good friends, I get to go to great events and mix with some amazing people, I get on with everyone, most people like me, I can be a little high-maintenance or spoilt at times, I love going out, and always try to make the best of myself and I wouldn't change myself easily for anyone. But I almost did. 
Not to be mean but looking at the new girlfriend I can see why he likes her, she's quiet, plain, basic, not many friends,  awful dress sense and follows him round like a lost puppy. He wants someone that makes him feel better about himself, someone he can control, someone a level below him that will look up to him and idolise him. The fact that she has now moved in with him having not even knowing each other a year, away from her family and friends says it all. 
Seeing pictures of her and seeing her out I actually feel a little bit sorry for her, trying to make new friends with everyone and just looking plain awkward. It can't be nice. 
I know sometimes relationships and marriage just don't work out but throwing it all away without really trying for some idiot who charmed you on one of your last nights of freedom (as exciting as it must of been) seems like a waste and I hope it's a descision the poor young, foolish girl doesn't live to regret. 

And I'm sorry (not really) that I was too good for you. 

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Will I ever love again?

Will I ever love again? Will I ever let myself fully go and show my full self to another person? Will I ever allow myself to become so deeply emotionally involved? 

These are the questions I've been asking myself recently. And the honest answer is I don't know. 

In the past I've been cut so deep that it has left some painful emotional scars. And like a real life cut the scar tissue occasionally hurts to remind me there's still a healing wound there. 

Reminders of the lobster keep cropping up whether I go looking for them or not. I've pretty much erradicated everyone I possibly can from Social Media accounts and newsfeeds but there are still a few that filter through that I can't get rid off unfortunately. 

Overall I'm in a good place at the moment, I quit my job and have found temp work to save money to go travelling with which I am definitely doing... Partly because I am running away from it all and because I have the opportunity. But these are still the questions that keep me up at night... Especially when others seem to be able to move on so quickly with their lives. 
I have a sneaking suspicion that Lobsters girlfriend is moving in with him. Our relationship if you can call it that has been over for nearly a year now, but it took me so long to face up to my feelings and admit I'd been hit hard by it all that it feels shorter. 

I've had my fair share of dates and fun this year but nothing significant, I just can't seem to give myself away (not that this is a bad thing, I believe it to be a good quality) but I am at the point where I am over cautious and generally not interested in anyone but myself. 

I miss that loving, all consuming, can't think of anyone else infatuation. When I get it bad, I get it BAD. 

Now I just sound like a bad meatloaf song 'Can anybody find me somebody to love'. 

Goodnight xoxoxo 

Monday, August 4, 2014

I don't know where I'm going but I know it'll be fun...

The last month or so I have made some pretty spontaneous and drastic descisions. I don't know what's happened but I like it.
First the one night stand, then I quit my job, now I plan to go travelling. 

Life is too fucking short to be unhappy or stay in one place. 

I don't know where I am going, but I like the journey it's taking me on and I know it'll be fun. 

If you would have told me this time last year that I would be planning this I would have never believed you. I was trying so hard to be the perfect girl for someone who didn't care. 

I haven't been happy in my job for sometime so I handed in my notice, without anything lined up, I plan to temp until Christmas (although they are now begging me to stay, so I will see if we can negotiate a deal that would be worth me staying until the end of the year).

The last few months, travelling has started to look more appealing, and when a friend mentioned Thailand for New Year, the words "Fuck it, shall we not come back" were the first to cross my mind. Even if I end up doing it on my own, I feel it's something I have to do.

The more I think about it, the more I want to do it. Breaking the news to my grandparents was the hardest, I haven't even booked a flight yet and my Grandad already looked like he was going to cry. Then my Mum helpfully explained "She hasn't got a boyfriend or anything here for her" Errrm, yeah thanks for reminding me Mother. 

But she's right, it's a now or never moment. I could stay here, settle for an ok job, carry on going to the same dead end places, with the same mundane people, save up for a car or to move out, the rest I would spend on getting so ridiculously drunk that I can't even remember my own name... Or I could go and see the world, experience new things and live to the fullest. Then come home and do all that boring settling down stuff. 

So here are some corny quotes that sum up my feelings right now; 

Sunday, July 13, 2014

One Night Stands and Selfies

After a 10 month dry spell (which is nothing by the way... I've gone 2 years dry before) my friends have been telling me to get out there, but I was adamant I would wait until I was ready and last night I was. 

I've been on a few dates, but nothing that even slightly whetted my appetite. However whilst out last night, there was a bit of flirting going on at the bar... And when this particular guy begun whispering dirty things in my ear it was game over for me. I was going over. 

I have never, ever done anything like this before, so at least I can now tick 'One night stand' off on my bucket list. (Please note, whilst it's all fun and games it's not something I would promote, it only dawned on me earlier how dangerous it could be, but my friends knew who I was with and they were at his friends after party) No.1 rule for one night stand... Always tell someone where you are. 

The sex was average, so it will definitely remain a one night stand as it was not that amazing to go back to. He was decent enough, good looking, respectful, we both discussed what we wanted from the evening, and even had a good chat and banter after. 

But it's how I felt after which was the best bit, I felt amazing. Liberated, powerful, free! Feminism and Girl Power. I could do such a thing and have no repercussions. I feel like I've grown from a girl into a woman.  

I wasted all of my early 20's on the lobster that it's only recently I've actually started living and gaining these life experiences. I am having so much fun!! 
I even handed my notice in at work as I believe life is too short to be unhappy. If you don't like something, make a change. 

I am now so confident and comfortable with myself and my choices and who I am as a person in general. I think this shows on dates, I can be silly and be myself and my new thing is to take a silly selfie with my date to send to friends. And one night stand guy was more than happy to oblige, in fact he even suggested it first, which has scored me huge cocktail points with the girls. 

Monday, June 30, 2014

D Day... An open letter.

Last week, 25th June, marked 6 months till Christmas. However I counted it as six months since last Christmas. 
The day when it felt like my heart had shattered into a tiny million pieces. 

It was clearly marked in my diary... Some point during the weeks after that awful day I had set the date as my D Day. If I still felt the same by this set date, I would contact the Lobster. Thank Fuck, I managed to get over it before this date came around. 
The last six months, have been some of the most funniest, random and happiest moments I've had, even after the emotional turmoil I thought would never end. It's true what they say, that time is a great healer. I feel like I needed to go through that pain to find myself, to get to know and realise who I am and what I want and what I am willing to stand for and put up with in a relationship. (With a little help from my friends, sister and a few therapy sessions). 

Sometime's it's not the person you can't get over, but the hurtful things they did and said. 

So here's my open letter; 
There has been a million scenarios in my head in which I have planned as to what I would say to you if I saw you, but when I did there was nothing to say. Looking at you made me feel empty inside. You looked sad and slightly ashamed, it didn't make me gloat or feel sad or feel better. Just nothing. You had sucked and drained me of every emotion possible, there was nothing left. You were just a stranger in a room.
 You also looked homeless and not in a chic way. 
No one has ever caused me so much pain or hurt me as deep as you have. 
Yes, I could give as good as I got, and would call you a Cunt on a regular basis, but if you wasn't so Cunty I wouldn't have had to call you one. I only ever wanted to hurt you back as much as you hurt me, because deep down although I never admitted it or said it out loud,I loved you. I. Loved. You. (It took a lot of therapy to get that out). 
 Normal people don't go around destroying other human beings. That's how I felt that day. Destroyed. 
It's not just my feelings you destroyed. I dread to think of those you hurt along the way in shacking up with you're girlfriend whom you met on her Hen Party (at one of the worst clubs I have ever been to) after 3 months of marriage? Classy. I do still sometimes look at what you're up to, but more out of curiosity than anything.

I have learnt to accept you will never grow some balls and apologise, but that's fine by me. I've gained friends, whilst you've lost the great ones we shared. 
I have nothing at all else to say, but I hope you know what it feels to have felt like that day. Some day. One day. 

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Independent Woman

'All my women who independent, throw your hands up at me' - I'm sure I'm not the only one who spent their teen years singing along to this Destiny's Child song along with the rest of the 'Writings on the wall' album which was all about strong women and not relying on a man.... But what happens when you become too independent? Or too used to being on your own? 

I love my little life, my little bubble. I've recently been talking to a guy, a friend of a friend (we plan to meet up for a drink this Friday) he seems like a good one, funny, quite good looking, texts me first etc etc....
However, this is where I get freaked out. He's not a bug-a-boo at all.... Yet anyway. But he will text me most days, general chit chat, and he calls too. 

There's nothing wrong this I know, it's nice. But I feel I have got so used to be being on my own and not having to reply or answer to people that I start to ignore him, I don't mean to do it on purpose and I don't want to loose him before I've even got him but I'm finding it hard. 

All my friends have told me I need to be more accessible as I'm becoming known as the girl who's too high maintenance and too much hard work (even though I quite like that title). 

I feel like I am stuck in the lobster days, where he would ignore me or say I was bugging him by calling for a chat that I am now the total opposite. 
My experience with him has made me quite reserved, whereas I should be more open towards people. 

As my friend and fellow blogger @27Single told me "If you made yourself any more unavailable you wouldn't exist".

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

The Perfect Opportunity... But I'll Pass Thanks.

On Saturday evening I went out for dinner and drinks with an old school friend of mine who recently ended her 7 year relationship and engagement and our wonderful gay friend and his lovely boyfriend. 
After a lovely dinner and a few civilised drinks, the lovers decided to go home for an early night so us single girls were left to our own devices.... So we went to the club. 
After a few cringey chat up lines such as "Look at my new 4grand watch.... I bought a new Range Rover today" (#OnlyInEssex) My response was to laugh, tell him to Fuck Off and get really drunk in able to cope with the sort of night it was going to be. 
Anyhow, my friend had her eye on someone so we made our way over. 
Cut a long story short, we ended up going back to a random boys mansion, with heated pools, saunas and steam room, however I wasn't impressed that we wasn't even offered a cup of tea or even an alcoholic beverage for that matter. What sort of after party was this?!? 
So we headed back to my friends with her beau and his friend in tow. After getting in and having and a cup of tea finally... It was 5:30 by now. It was obvious my friend was hitting it off with her guy so I was left awkwardly with the annoying friend. 
Embarrassingly I was sick (as usual) before bed and all I wanted to do was sleep. 
So when this guy starts hugging me tightly and trying to spoon me and rub my body I politely (abruptly) told him... 'STOP THAT. Get off me please'

I was in bed with a guy for the first time in  9 months. It was my perfect opportunity to get under someone to get over someone, to loose my born again virginity but I just was not feeling it at all. Plus he was 5 years my junior... I probably would have scared the poor boy to death. 
I think you know when you know, therefore I am going to wait for when I know it's right and not just sleep with someone for the sake of it. 

In the meantime I better top up on batteries. Ha. 

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

The Consequences of being a Party Girl

I have had such a fun bank holiday weekend but I am well and truly feeling the effects of it today.
Since the road to recovery of my broken heart began I have been enjoying going out and getting drunk with my girls a lot more, but it's not just the physical effects that are catching up on me... The hangovers, the bloating, sickness, and break outs, it's also been an eye opener. 

This weekend I was out with my guy and girl friends... (Lobster who was in attendance and we did a fabulous job of ignoring each other, although there were a few awkward moments when we caught eye contact. I had a fab night singing and dancing while he was left looking awkward standing on his own on many occasions throughout the night. HA) 

Anyhow, when it came to the end of the night one of the guys who has a girlfriend and a new born baby begins flirting of sorts with a friend of a friend. 
She's single and fully allowed to choose who she sleeps with. But what annoyed me is the lengths this guy was going to to cover his lieing cheating arse. 

Telling her a fake name, whilst telling me to 'shut up' and basically getting his story straight with me that if anyone asks me I should say that he was never at the the afterparty we went back to... Almost like blackmail as I know he's not a very nice person and he would probably turn nasty if I ever breathed a word. 
Although it's totally wrong, it's not my business to say anything. I don't know the girlfriend in question well enough to get involved, and she probably wouldn't believe me anyway. If she was one of my good friends I wouldn't hesitate to expose him. 
The guys at the after party were actually scared of me calling me a 'Dangerous Girl' as 'I know too much'. 
The fact is, I am a nice girl, a real girls girl and I get on with most people, boys and girls. I'm friends with a lot of the boys but I've never slept with any of them (apart from the Lobster and we all know how that turned out). 

What makes it worse, is this guy is all over social media stating how much he loves his girlfriend and posting adorable photos of his baby, which I don't doubt for a second so why the hell cheat?! 

So as much as I love being a party girl, it has done very little to restore my faith in men... In fact I think I have completely lost it.
However, it is a lesson noted for when I do settle down. 

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Dates and Relapses

So a few weeks ago whilst out with the girls I got chatting to someone, he was a cool guy with interesting conversation and after a little kiss at the end of the night we swapped numbers. 
I wasn't too keen but under a lot of peer pressure from my friends to get out there I thought I'd give it a go. 

So I did, I went on a date last Monday. Just a few drinks in a cocktail bar. It wasn't bad but it wasn't amazing either. Conversation flowed, he didn't seem a total douche but just not for me. I didn't fancy him and I didn't like what he was wearing. That's usually enough for me. I could go out with him again but surely I would just be wasting my time and his? 
You could say I'm not giving myself or him a chance but I feel like when I know, I know. 
After getting tipsy on a few cocktails I was even telling him awful embarrassing stories to put him off. It obviously didn't work, so now I'm in that awkward cooling off period, avoiding whattsapp and texting back short replies in the hope he will pick up these subtle hints. 

I also feel like I've given Amy Winehouse (god bless her soul) a run for her money in partying the last two weeks so was looking forward to a chilled weekend this weekend. However, whenever I have too much time on my hands the same thing happens... I think too much and that can be dangerous. 
Yesterday I logged onto Facebook and although we are not 'friends' anymore (I deleted him at Christmas) I was looking at old photos of the Lobster and I together. I was looking at them fondly, he was such a big part of my life and we had so much fun together... Then reality hits and it feels a bit shit. 
Now I am shedding a tear. Only a little one, the first tear that's fallen since I saw him with married girl last week. 

Screw this, I'm going for a run and to do my better butt workout. Xoxoxo 

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Act like a Lady, Think like a Man.

'These Hoes Ain't Loyal' 

This Chris Brown song is becoming a bit of an anthem for my girls. 
As mentioned in a previous post, we all seem to be having a mid-20's life crisis. 

There are those that have had enough of their long term relationships and then the ones that have been played and treated like shit by men in the past that we've just had enough. (Don't loose faith a random guy told me the other day... Whilst telling me he loves receiving oral sex from other women why his girlfriends at home. Case Rested) 
We're playing the field and having fun. 
 (We are definitely not 'hoes' or 'sluts' in fact quite the opposite. My knickers are literally glued on these days) 

It's almost like we are discovering ourselves, finding out who we are and what we like and not settling for anything less. 
Acting like a lady but thinking like a man.... Being a player and not getting played. Playing men at their own game.  
As Whitney Houston once sung "I learned from the best, I learnt from you" 

So next time you see us singing a dancing along, don't get it twisted. We are not hoes. We are strong smart women, and if you think you can rise to the challenge and prove our thoughts of 'all men are the same' then approach us with your A-Game. 

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Officially Moved On

I've done it... I have actually gone and done it. No, not sex. But I have officially moved on. 

My worse fear for the last few months has been knowing that I will run into the Lobster at some point. It was bound to happen, we share the same best friends. My fear was that I would see him and wouldn't be able to control my emotions, the anger, hurt, pain and upset would all explode into some mighty firework. 

After therapy and self healing, I am now the happiest I have been in years. I was scared that if I saw him he would take this away and I'd be back to square one.  

Anyhow. Whilst out with friends Sunday, chatting away when my friends face dropped 'OMG... He's here! OMG she's here too... He's bought married girl out with him' 
Immediately we headed to the bar, keeping my back to them the whole time. 

And the weird thing about it... I felt absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. This still freaks me out a bit, I keep thinking I'm going to have some emotional break down but I honestly think I am over him. 

Now I'm going to sound a right bitch here, I know it's not the girls fault (even if I do call her the married whore now and then) and I'm a great believer that women should stick together... BUT she's a massive downgrade from me, which does make me feel a bit better about the situation. 
He was always punching above his weight with me anyway.
It felt great to have his friends telling me how good I looked and twirling me around the dance floor infront of him. 

Safe to say I owned the situation whilst keeping it classy and dignified. 

Have fun waiting for your girlfriends divorce to come through while I'm being taken out on dates with rich Greek guy... Blog post on him to follow. xoxoxo 

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Mid 20's Life Crisis

I am the happiest I have been in a long time, I have been working on piecing myself back together and believe that positive thinking leads to a more positive person. 
To help me get through this was my friends. I honestly don't know what I would have done without such a great supportive network around me... My Army I call them. 

The funny thing is, throughout the last year we have all had or currently experiencing what seems to be a mid-20s life crisis. 

The first to kick it off was one of my very best friends when she told me she no longer wanted to be with her boyfriend of 6 years whom she shared a mortgage and children with. It was a total shocker, for me that was the dream, the house the kids etc. But she had just sadly fallen out of love with him. 

Secondly, there was my friend who had been in a simar situation to myself with the Lobster. She escaped to Ibiza one summer where she met her boyfriend, who then took her back to Ibiza five years later to propose... Her first words were 'Do I have to wear it (the ring) everyday?' Of course she said yes, but a few months down the line she too had also called it off. 

Thirdly, it's my old school friend who has been with her boyfriend for a few years, this year they were meant to be saving for a mortgage but she is having serious second thoughts and is currently in limbo with ending it all. (Update... I think she has bit the bullet today). 

Now don't get me wrong or think of me selfish when I say I am loving spending more time with these ladies now they're single. The last few weeks we have had so much fun together. 

It is ironic, when there were times only a short while ago that I desperately envied what they had. These boyfriends were 'good' boyfriends, they were decent boys who treated them well, but it appears the grass is not always greener on the other side and I am glad that we can now encounter and go through these single girl life trials and tribulations together. 

I have heard and seen far too many horror stories, of couples who settled together... They reach around 30 and realise it's not what they want. Life is far too short, that's why for now I am happy to be livin' it up with my single girls having as much fun as we can. 

Who gives a stuff what society thinks? Xoxo 

Monday, April 21, 2014

Find Your Base

I'm feeling rather loved and blessed after this weekend. 
I am still healing and there are still days when I feel emotional.... But I have to admit my friends have been bloody fabulous, supportive and kind and I am so greatful for that.
Especially when one of my oldest friends tells me she saw The Lobster at a wedding over the weekend with his new girlfriend and gave him a piece of her mind. Of course he tried to defend himself and acted sheepish, but even he admitted it was wrong and nasty what he said and he knows he needs to apologise. However I doubt he will ever actually grow some balls and do it. He then apparently kept his distance at the small venue for the rest of the evening.
It felt good to know people have my back. 
I'm lucky that I have many different groups of friends, work, school, college etc all from different walks of life but all equally special and important  to me. 

Recently I have reconnected with one of my very best friends from school. We were inseparable for several years but drifted when we left school. Sometimes it's good reconnecting with old friends, those who knew everything about you, the good, the bad and the ugly, and will still stick by you even if you haven't seen them for years. Those who still hate a person that wronged you that you yourself had forgotten, that's  when you know they have your back.
It's like going back to base. The ones that knew me before the hurt and drama with lobster and will stick with me in the future too. 
Base is where you were before you got lost and caught up in this crazy thing called life.
A base can be a place, a person or a thing. For me it's these old friends. I might not see them that often, but they're my base. They remind of who I used to be, and make me feel good about who I am now. 
Like Carrie Bradshaw said, 'Maybe our girlfriends are our soul mates, and guys are just people to have fun with.' Right now, I couldn't agree more. 

Monday, April 14, 2014

Im'a do me.

I've been doing a lot of soul searching recently and have given up on the dating scene for a while (whilst I 'find myself' *cringe*). 

Don't get me wrong... I've had offers but right now, and I don't mean to be dramatic when I say this but I'm working on piecing back together my little broken shattered heart.
 Plus I've been having so much fun with my friends, and working out (bootcamp, bike rides, and must recommend the nike training app) which I also find is a good to banish the blues.
 Nor do I actually fancy or like anyone, I'm sure I am Asexual. And being happily single has wayyy too many benefits. I'm far from lonely too... I fight to get alone time as it is. There's no room for a boyfriend or regular dater. 
However, it could also be due to the fact I have lost all faith in men. I even find bad traits and faults in the 'good ones'. 

I've decided I'm going to be totally selfish and do all the things I want to do this year. 
For any male that wins me over and I let you in then you don't know how lucky you are. Challenge yourself. ;) 

Friday, April 4, 2014

The Sixty Day Challenge

This week I had my last therapy session. It has left me feeling a lot more positive. 
Of course you can't change the way you feel overnight but it certainly helped me understand and accept my own feelings. 

To help me on my journey forward, there are two tricks I am using; 
Changing 'should' to 'could'. I have always prided myself on being an intelligent and smart woman, but when it came to the lobster I was pretty fucking stupid which is why I was so angry at myself... During therapy full of regret at I let myself get hurt so bad I kept saying 'I should have done this' 'I should have done that'. The therapist pointed out I should change 'should' to 'could'. Should is a very heavy word, it's full of regret and negative connotations, whereas could sounds more positive. 

The second trick is a 'Sixty Day Challenge' my friend told me it takes something silly like 14 days to gain a habbit but 60 days to break it. Therefore my sixty day challenge consists of waking up each morning looking in the mirror and telling myself 'I deserve better and I will get over this' and to stop looking at The Lobster on social media as I'm not helping myself here. 

It's tough but I'm going to try it. 

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Setting My Moving On Goals

'What do you want to achieve from this?' my therapist replied to me during our first session last week when I asked how do I know when I have had enough. 

This made me think, there are several factors really; 

1 - To be able to control my emotions
 (I would hate to be an emotional mess if I ever do run into the lobster one day. I have too much pride to give anything away. I don't want him to know how much he has hurt me and how that has affected me)

2 - To stop dwelling on the past

3 - To just generally get over it and move on.  

So how do you achieve this? I am yet to figure it out, and hope we will work through on this in this weeks session. 

Last week we acknowledged a few things such as I never once mentioned the 'L' word. Love.  I am not sure if I ever was in 'love' with him. I would never say that word due to the fear of being rejected. But maybe I did?
I have also come to face the fact that, yes it really has hurt and upset me and that it is okay to feel this way. It is better to let it out rather than bury it. 
The final thing was that, I built him up to be this person that he wasn't and to sum it up I was potentially in love with a person that never existed. He is not the person I thought he was or made him out to be. 

I am intrigued to see how we move on from here now, and interested in what she has to say this week.

In other news, my tinder date blew me out. I wasn't too fussed, but still a little bit disappointed. 
I have also been spending time with my friend who has her own lobster situation with a bad apple. I can see myself in her and history repeating itself and she knows this too. 
The sad thing is watching her makes me miss my lobster, to see how happy and excited it makes her when she see's or speaks to him. 

I need some more dates. 

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

I'm in Therapy...

When I started the Single Girl's Diary Blog and Twitter  it was meant to be all the fun and exciting stories us Single Girls get up to, of course it is going to be a case of swings and round about's and there are moments that are not that fun. However recently, with revelations of The Lobster''s new relationship  emerging, I have been feeling rather sad and have noticed this in my posts too. 

The fact is, I don't want to be that person that sit's and dwells and obsesses about their ex and what could have been - So, I booked myself into therapy. 

A little dramatic? Maybe. I know therapy is big and considered the norm in the states, but I am not some high flying yank with issues. I am just a heartbroken girl from the London Suburbs trying to move on.

Scoff at this all you want, but I feel more positive already. (and I should bloody hope so for the amount it costs) Sometimes you just need that person to tell you what you are feeling is totally normal. 

So here's to moving on, along with a few self help books (The Rules Of Life by Richard Templar and The Secret by Rhonda Byrne have both been highly recommended to me) a Yoga trip to Ibiza (my spiritual homeland) and a few bottles of wine and great friends, I will get there. 

Also, did I mention, I have my first Tinder date tonight?
He has great stats from what I know, he went to Oxford University, and works as a PR Manager. 
Blog Post to follow on how it goes. Eeeek!!! 

Sunday, March 16, 2014

The 'L' Word and How To Get Over It

"Don't drink wine, you only turn it into tears" someone once said.... Or in my case any form of Alcohol. 

So, I was out enjoying a few cocktails with the girls for one of their Birthdays last night, when we get a telephone call from our male friends saying they would like to come meet us. Mutual friends of The Lobster. Instantly I felt my heart drop to the pit of my stomach... is there just no escaping him?

This fear soon turned to anger when over the telephone they asked my friend that if I can forgive him, The Lobster will come too. 
Thankfully my friend had my back and told him outright NO! 

I can't believe the audacity of him, he knows he has done wrong but is still not man enough to apologise to me. 

As the drinks continued to flow so did the conversation... about him unfortunately. The drunken chats led to me in tears having a break down in the toilet. One of my good male friends (and a friend of his too) said 'Just admit it, you loved him didn't you'. 

It's something I have always denied, I would say it is more of an infatuation, but the fact that I am still hurting, that I cry at least 3 times a week, and can't get over it, then maybe I did love him in my own way. 

I don't think his friends understood why I was so angry and hurt, so I told them about the messages on Christmas Eve, and even they were shocked with his very best friend saying 'I've got the hump with him for how much he has upset you' which felt very sweet. 

I also thought I would throw in the fact that there were several occasions when he would cum in his pants whilst we was kissing... I mean I know I'm good, but really? Ultimate betrayal to embarrass him but I don't care. 

Back to the important issue.... How am I going to get over this? Yes, I am upset that he has his new silly little married girlfriend but the issue is still there has no been apology. 
I am going to give up waiting for an apology that will never come... If he can say things like that, he was never my friend to begin with. 

It all comes down to remembering your worth and praying that karma really is a bitch. 
Any self help tips out there on how to get over someone? Please send. 

Friday, March 14, 2014

Men.... Some Big Tinder No's

Admittedly I am new to the Tinder game, but already I have seen some huge no-no's. Some make me want to vomit in my mouth... here they are; 

1. - Selfies
NO NO NO! Boys... there is nothing cool about taking a picture of yourself in the mirror. Even worse if you have your top off. 

2. - Vests
Sorry, but I find boy's in vest's a huge turn off. I don't care if it's a holiday photo. Just don't do it. 

3. - Modelling Shots / Gym Pics
Even worse than the selfie... You just look like a cunt. 

4. - Your Name
I know it's not your fault and you had no say on what your parents named you, but if I don't like your name or can't imagine screaming it out in bed, I WILL swipe left. 

5. - Pictures with ex girlfriend / group of girls
Get over it. You are not Simon Cowell with your harem of girls around you. 

I Am Officially 'Dating'

So off I went on my date last week, a little nervous, and although I didn't really fancy him I had a lovely evening. 
He picked me up in a cab, held doors open and paid for everything. 

There were a few hiccups, he mentioned his ex in passing a few times, told me some things about his past I'd rather not know, and kept mentioning how skint  he was (sure way to make me feel awkward when the bill arrived) but to be honest because I wasn't that into him I was just enjoying the free dinner and cocktails. 

He want's to go out again, and has suggested some nice places so I am tempted to go just because I do like the place he suggested... Would that be leading him on?

Probably. But oh well. 

I also reluctantly downloaded Tinder after my friend convinced me, I'm not into casual hook-up's or one night stands so was a bit apprehensive as I have heard a few stories and assume that's all people go on there for... But I would say it's a huge confidence boost.

I have been talking to a few guys that seem 'decent' and have even swapped numbers with one. 

After so much upset the last year, I think its time I got back out there, even if it just to be wined and dined. 

As my younger, prettier and sometimes wiser sister told me 'At your age, you shouldn't waste time or settle for anyone, unless you can see yourself marrying them'

So I can now say I am officially dating until I find the one.... Because I'm not going to find him sitting at home watching Eastender's now am I? 

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

I Have A Date... A REAL LIFE DATE.

How can so much change within the space of a week?

I admit, I spent most of the day last Thursday crying when my worse fear's were confirmed that the lobster was seeing a married girl. Crying on the train to work, crying at my desk, crying on my lunch break. I didn't even pretend to hide it in the end. 

However, I feel it was for the best, I needed to cry the remainder of my feelings for him out, as by Friday I was a changed woman (I am not bi-polar. I swear) and ready to move on. 

Whilst out for city drinks Friday my friend convinced me to get Tinder, I have previously been dead against it but after playing around with it and getting quite a few matches, I'll say it is a confidence booster more than anything else. The conversation on there has been pretty dry. But whilst out, I began to look at men a little differently, as in checking them out which is so not me! 

Moving on to Saturday, I had my Godson's birthday and come early evening when the kids had all left / gone to bed the adults can begin to get tipsy and not get judged.
Some of us moved on the pub where my good friend informed me his friend likes me... I don't take compliments well and was unsure but with a little peer pressure from my friends we spoke throughout the night, swapped numbers and have been texting.... and the best bit.


So far I have only heard good things about him, he seems nice, texts everyday and sends the first text and wants to take me out. The Lobster never done anything nice for me.... (I think it will be a while till I stop making comparisons) 
I am not sure if I really fancy him yet, but I am giving it a chance, which I never normally do. 

I am officially on my way to moving on and feeling positive about it. 

Now.... What to wear???? 

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Can You Really Have It All?

Call me greedy, but I want it all, I do. 
The perfect job, the amazing house, the wonderful husband, beautiful children, great friends, good body... the list goes on. 

Don't get me wrong, I am very lucky. I have amazing parents that still shelter and feed me for a small monthly fee, amazing friends, I have had a very successful week at work and am also currently being interviewed for some pretty good jobs roles too as I am looking to move on soon, and I am happy with my body, there's a few things I could change here and there but overall I'm confident to get naked in front of most people. 

However, there is still that one thing missing.... my love life. 
I am not an unhappy single, but I am still hung up on the Lobster. Even though he is a big knob head.... with no knob. 

In a previous post I explained how I was feeling after learning he is seeing someone, and it has been playing on my mind ever since, even more so since I discovered the girl is married. 
Yup, that's right. MARRIED!! 
He is seeing a married woman! 

I am a social media stalker, I saw the photos of her in her wedding dress only a few months ago.


I don't know the situation well enough to judge but still.... Call me old fashioned but for me, thats the dream, to get married, have babies, make a home. 

I understand its not for everyone and sometimes these things don't work out... But thats my Lobster :( 

I am a bag of mixed emotions and contradictions at the moment. 
I need to keep on remembering him for the arsehole he is and all the bad times

It just seems when one area of your life is going fucking fantastic, other parts can be terribly shitty. 

So can we really have it all or is it just a wonder woman myth? 
Is it too much to ask for the fairy tale?

Monday, February 17, 2014

You Get What You Expect...

In one of our many over-analysing conversations a friend of mine said "You only get what you expect" and I think she may have a point. 

If I think back, after learning I was never going to get what I wanted from the Lobster I regretfully and now embarrassingly accepted his behaviour as normal, therefore not expecting much thus not receiving much. 

It's a mad old theory, but I think there may be method in the madness. 

If you don't expect him to text back he probably wont. 
If you don't expect him to take you out and treat you with respect he probably wont. 
If you don't expect much he will give you as little as possible. 

So expect the world and if he refuses to give you this... Walk away. 

You may be left disappointed but at least you'll have your dignity. 

Know your worth and don't let anyone treat you less. 

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Back to Black... Remembering The Bad Times

So I had my suspicions the Lobster was seeing someone, he told me so himself but I didn't take much notice. 
However, I saw some friends of his last night who informed me of the girls name and that she is not local ( I have an idea who it might be) and it kinda bummed me out for the following reasons;

1. - She's not local. Typical commitment phobic behaviour, going for someone that is not that available / wont last. I have seen him have a long distance relationship previously. 

2. He has pursued someone else. He never put in any effort for me. What was wrong with me? Was I not worth it?

3. I miss him. I just want my friend back. Even though he has not apologised for the hurtful words and vile behaviour at christmas. 

I know, I get it right. 
But that doesn't stop it from hurting. 

When I finally called a day on our situation I felt ok, it was on my terms I knew it wasn't getting me anywhere, but since hearing that he has moved on and is seeing someone else it has really thrown me. It don't help that I myself have not met anyone, I don't even feel remotely ready to yet. 

I have spent today in a black mood, feeling sorry for myself very Bridget Jones style, thinking how much I miss him, but do I actually really want him or not?

The thing is, we forget the bad stuff ever happened and look back fondly on the good times, but things ended for a reason. I need to remember the countless times I cried myself to sleep, had sleepless nights due to stress and how low and worthless he actually made me feel most of the time. 

So if you have ever been in a similar position repeat after me...


Friday, February 14, 2014

The Single Girl's Guide to Surviving Valentines Day

Ah, the dreaded V Day is finally here! 

Having never had a serious boyfriend (Yes I know... 25 and I've NEVER had a serious boyfriend) I admit it's a not a day that I look forward to, especially with the sickening Facebook posts, a stream of flowers being delivered at work. And lets be honest, I think I would be sick if anyone ever bought me a cuddly toy saying 'I love you' on it. 

I believe that it is marketing that has made this the day to make us feel lonely... when the fact is, I don't feel any more lonely than I do any other day. 

Waking up this morning the only thing I wanted to spend the day with was my bed. The Lobster crossed my mind as he does every other day, but then he never got me anything for Valentine's Day anyway so I'm not missing out on anything there.  

I am grateful that I have all the things I need in life, great friends, a good family, alcohol and cats. Who needs a man?? 

I had offers to drink with my friends tonight, but its wet, cold, skint, Im lazy and much happier in my PJ's with a Domino's watching TV. 
However, tomorrow I will be going out and getting shit faced. 

Happy Valentines Day Ladies 

Friday, January 3, 2014

Lessons from the Lodger

Recently we have had one of my Mother's relatives move into the spare room (Yes, I do still live at home with my parents at the age of 25. The shame) 

Well... I thought my love life was bad, but she makes me feel better about myself. 
In her 50's she spends the majority of her spare time on dating sites, chasing exes and starting new hobbies that never fully develop. 

All the men she meets are creeps, you can tell from the offset, although her crazy ways do scare them off (I admit I can be obsessive but if it's a family trait that gets worse with age then 

They're all after one thing. She recently met up with one of her exes and they had sex. In a field. When she came home with muddy boots I told her theres a word for that... Dogging. 

'He may look like an old git, but he makes up for it in other ways. He has more stamina than an 18 year old boy' she informs me. 

This evening I came home to a note saying she has gone to visit another ex for the weekend. He don't want to know her one minute but as soon as he clicks his fingers she goes running. 

I feel like the more mature adult in the situation. When I was upset recently she was very sympathetic but it's the type of advice I would take with a pinch of salt.

If you can't learn from your own mistakes, at least learn from other peoples.