Will I ever love again?

Will I ever love again? Will I ever let myself fully go and show my full self to another person? Will I ever allow myself to become so deeply emotionally involved? 

These are the questions I've been asking myself recently. And the honest answer is I don't know. 

In the past I've been cut so deep that it has left some painful emotional scars. And like a real life cut the scar tissue occasionally hurts to remind me there's still a healing wound there. 

Reminders of the lobster keep cropping up whether I go looking for them or not. I've pretty much erradicated everyone I possibly can from Social Media accounts and newsfeeds but there are still a few that filter through that I can't get rid off unfortunately. 

Overall I'm in a good place at the moment, I quit my job and have found temp work to save money to go travelling with which I am definitely doing... Partly because I am running away from it all and because I have the opportunity. But these are still the questions that keep me up at night... Especially when others seem to be able to move on so quickly with their lives. 

I have a sneaking suspicion that Lobsters girlfriend is moving in with him. Our relationship if you can call it that has been over for nearly a year now, but it took me so long to face up to my feelings and admit I'd been hit hard by it all that it feels shorter. 

I've had my fair share of dates and fun this year but nothing significant, I just can't seem to give myself away (not that this is a bad thing, I believe it to be a good quality) but I am at the point where I am over cautious and generally not interested in anyone but myself. 

I miss that loving, all consuming, can't think of anyone else infatuation. When I get it bad, I get it BAD. 

Now I just sound like a bad meatloaf song 'Can anybody find me somebody to love'. 

Goodnight xoxoxo 

Officially Moved On

I've done it... I have actually gone and done it. No, not sex. But I have officially moved on. 

My worse fear for the last few months has been knowing that I will run into the Lobster at some point. It was bound to happen, we share the same best friends. My fear was that I would see him and wouldn't be able to control my emotions, the anger, hurt, pain and upset would all explode into some mighty firework. 

After therapy and self healing, I am now the happiest I have been in years. I was scared that if I saw him he would take this away and I'd be back to square one.  

Anyhow. Whilst out with friends Sunday, chatting away when my friends face dropped 'OMG... He's here! OMG she's here too... He's bought married girl out with him' 

Immediately we headed to the bar, keeping my back to them the whole time. 

And the weird thing about it... I felt absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. This still freaks me out a bit, I keep thinking I'm going to have some emotional break down but I honestly think I am over him. 

Now I'm going to sound a right bitch here, I know it's not the girls fault (even if I do call her the married whore now and then) and I'm a great believer that women should stick together... BUT she's a massive downgrade from me, which does make me feel a bit better about the situation. 

He was always punching above his weight with me anyway.

It felt great to have his friends telling me how good I looked and twirling me around the dance floor infront of him. 

Safe to say I owned the situation whilst keeping it classy and dignified. 

Have fun waiting for your girlfriends divorce to come through while I'm being taken out on dates with rich Greek guy... Blog post on him to follow. xoxoxo 

I Have A Date... A REAL LIFE DATE.

How can so much change within the space of a week?

I admit, I spent most of the day last Thursday crying when my worse fear's were confirmed that the lobster was seeing a married girl. Crying on the train to work, crying at my desk, crying on my lunch break. I didn't even pretend to hide it in the end. 

However, I feel it was for the best, I needed to cry the remainder of my feelings for him out, as by Friday I was a changed woman (I am not bi-polar. I swear) and ready to move on. 

Whilst out for city drinks Friday my friend convinced me to get Tinder, I have previously been dead against it but after playing around with it and getting quite a few matches, I'll say it is a confidence booster more than anything else. The conversation on there has been pretty dry. But whilst out, I began to look at men a little differently, as in checking them out which is so not me! 

Moving on to Saturday, I had my Godson's birthday and come early evening when the kids had all left / gone to bed the adults can begin to get tipsy and not get judged.

Some of us moved on the pub where my good friend informed me his friend likes me... I don't take compliments well and was unsure but with a little peer pressure from my friends we spoke throughout the night, swapped numbers and have been texting.... and the best bit.

I HAVE A DATE FRIDAY NIGHT. 

So far I have only heard good things about him, he seems nice, texts everyday and sends the first text and wants to take me out. The Lobster never done anything nice for me.... (I think it will be a while till I stop making comparisons) 

I am not sure if I really fancy him yet, but I am giving it a chance, which I never normally do. 

I am officially on my way to moving on and feeling positive about it. 

Now.... What to wear????