Sorry I was too good for you.

It's a year today when I finally said 'I'm done'. 

After returning from Ibiza (my spiritual home) I realised enough was enough, it was on good terms until the explosive venomous arguement at Christmas happened which then led to therapy. But I'm in a good place now and I've learnt so much (especially about myself). 

Taking a step back and looking at the situation from a different view you see things much clearer. 

And I know you shouldn't do it but even comparing myself to the new girlfriend ( the one he met on her Hen Do, she got married, now they live together. Like you do.) I can see why it would have never worked out. My friends always said it but now I understand. He was intimidated by me. 

I'm educated, fun, confident, have a large group of different but good friends, I get to go to great events and mix with some amazing people, I get on with everyone, most people like me, I can be a little high-maintenance or spoilt at times, I love going out, and always try to make the best of myself and I wouldn't change myself easily for anyone. But I almost did. 

Not to be mean but looking at the new girlfriend I can see why he likes her, she's quiet, plain, basic, not many friends,  awful dress sense and follows him round like a lost puppy. He wants someone that makes him feel better about himself, someone he can control, someone a level below him that will look up to him and idolise him. The fact that she has now moved in with him having not even knowing each other a year, away from her family and friends says it all. 

Seeing pictures of her and seeing her out I actually feel a little bit sorry for her, trying to make new friends with everyone and just looking plain awkward. It can't be nice. 

I know sometimes relationships and marriage just don't work out but throwing it all away without really trying for some idiot who charmed you on one of your last nights of freedom (as exciting as it must of been) seems like a waste and I hope it's a descision the poor young, foolish girl doesn't live to regret. 

And I'm sorry (not really) that I was too good for you. 

Will I ever love again?

Will I ever love again? Will I ever let myself fully go and show my full self to another person? Will I ever allow myself to become so deeply emotionally involved? 

These are the questions I've been asking myself recently. And the honest answer is I don't know. 

In the past I've been cut so deep that it has left some painful emotional scars. And like a real life cut the scar tissue occasionally hurts to remind me there's still a healing wound there. 

Reminders of the lobster keep cropping up whether I go looking for them or not. I've pretty much erradicated everyone I possibly can from Social Media accounts and newsfeeds but there are still a few that filter through that I can't get rid off unfortunately. 

Overall I'm in a good place at the moment, I quit my job and have found temp work to save money to go travelling with which I am definitely doing... Partly because I am running away from it all and because I have the opportunity. But these are still the questions that keep me up at night... Especially when others seem to be able to move on so quickly with their lives. 

I have a sneaking suspicion that Lobsters girlfriend is moving in with him. Our relationship if you can call it that has been over for nearly a year now, but it took me so long to face up to my feelings and admit I'd been hit hard by it all that it feels shorter. 

I've had my fair share of dates and fun this year but nothing significant, I just can't seem to give myself away (not that this is a bad thing, I believe it to be a good quality) but I am at the point where I am over cautious and generally not interested in anyone but myself. 

I miss that loving, all consuming, can't think of anyone else infatuation. When I get it bad, I get it BAD. 

Now I just sound like a bad meatloaf song 'Can anybody find me somebody to love'. 

Goodnight xoxoxo 

D Day... An open letter.

Last week, 25th June, marked 6 months till Christmas. However I counted it as six months since last Christmas. 

The day when it felt like my heart had shattered into a tiny million pieces. 

It was clearly marked in my diary... Some point during the weeks after that awful day I had set the date as my D Day. If I still felt the same by this set date, I would contact the Lobster. Thank Fuck, I managed to get over it before this date came around. 

The last six months, have been some of the most funniest, random and happiest moments I've had, even after the emotional turmoil I thought would never end. It's true what they say, that time is a great healer. I feel like I needed to go through that pain to find myself, to get to know and realise who I am and what I want and what I am willing to stand for and put up with in a relationship. (With a little help from my friends, sister and a few therapy sessions). 

Sometime's it's not the person you can't get over, but the hurtful things they did and said. 

So here's my open letter; 

There has been a million scenarios in my head in which I have planned as to what I would say to you if I saw you, but when I did there was nothing to say. Looking at you made me feel empty inside. You looked sad and slightly ashamed, it didn't make me gloat or feel sad or feel better. Just nothing. You had sucked and drained me of every emotion possible, there was nothing left. You were just a stranger in a room.

 You also looked homeless and not in a chic way. 

No one has ever caused me so much pain or hurt me as deep as you have. 

Yes, I could give as good as I got, and would call you a Cunt on a regular basis, but if you wasn't so Cunty I wouldn't have had to call you one. I only ever wanted to hurt you back as much as you hurt me, because deep down although I never admitted it or said it out loud,I loved you. I. Loved. You. (It took a lot of therapy to get that out). 

 Normal people don't go around destroying other human beings. That's how I felt that day. Destroyed. 

It's not just my feelings you destroyed. I dread to think of those you hurt along the way in shacking up with you're girlfriend whom you met on her Hen Party (at one of the worst clubs I have ever been to) after 3 months of marriage? Classy. I do still sometimes look at what you're up to, but more out of curiosity than anything.

I have learnt to accept you will never grow some balls and apologise, but that's fine by me. I've gained friends, whilst you've lost the great ones we shared. 

I have nothing at all else to say, but I hope you know what it feels to have felt like that day. Some day. One day. 

Mid 20's Life Crisis

I am the happiest I have been in a long time, I have been working on piecing myself back together and believe that positive thinking leads to a more positive person. 

To help me get through this was my friends. I honestly don't know what I would have done without such a great supportive network around me... My Army I call them. 

The funny thing is, throughout the last year we have all had or currently experiencing what seems to be a mid-20s life crisis. 

The first to kick it off was one of my very best friends when she told me she no longer wanted to be with her boyfriend of 6 years whom she shared a mortgage and children with. It was a total shocker, for me that was the dream, the house the kids etc. But she had just sadly fallen out of love with him. 

Secondly, there was my friend who had been in a simar situation to myself with the Lobster. She escaped to Ibiza one summer where she met her boyfriend, who then took her back to Ibiza five years later to propose... Her first words were 'Do I have to wear it (the ring) everyday?' Of course she said yes, but a few months down the line she too had also called it off. 

Thirdly, it's my old school friend who has been with her boyfriend for a few years, this year they were meant to be saving for a mortgage but she is having serious second thoughts and is currently in limbo with ending it all. (Update... I think she has bit the bullet today). 

Now don't get me wrong or think of me selfish when I say I am loving spending more time with these ladies now they're single. The last few weeks we have had so much fun together. 

It is ironic, when there were times only a short while ago that I desperately envied what they had. These boyfriends were 'good' boyfriends, they were decent boys who treated them well, but it appears the grass is not always greener on the other side and I am glad that we can now encounter and go through these single girl life trials and tribulations together. 

I have heard and seen far too many horror stories, of couples who settled together... They reach around 30 and realise it's not what they want. Life is far too short, that's why for now I am happy to be livin' it up with my single girls having as much fun as we can. 

Who gives a stuff what society thinks? Xoxo 

Find Your Base

I'm feeling rather loved and blessed after this weekend. 

I am still healing and there are still days when I feel emotional.... But I have to admit my friends have been bloody fabulous, supportive and kind and I am so greatful for that.

Especially when one of my oldest friends tells me she saw The Lobster at a wedding over the weekend with his new girlfriend and gave him a piece of her mind. Of course he tried to defend himself and acted sheepish, but even he admitted it was wrong and nasty what he said and he knows he needs to apologise. However I doubt he will ever actually grow some balls and do it. He then apparently kept his distance at the small venue for the rest of the evening.

It felt good to know people have my back. 

I'm lucky that I have many different groups of friends, work, school, college etc all from different walks of life but all equally special and important  to me. 

Recently I have reconnected with one of my very best friends from school. We were inseparable for several years but drifted when we left school. Sometimes it's good reconnecting with old friends, those who knew everything about you, the good, the bad and the ugly, and will still stick by you even if you haven't seen them for years. Those who still hate a person that wronged you that you yourself had forgotten, that's  when you know they have your back.

It's like going back to base. The ones that knew me before the hurt and drama with lobster and will stick with me in the future too. 

Base is where you were before you got lost and caught up in this crazy thing called life.

A base can be a place, a person or a thing. For me it's these old friends. I might not see them that often, but they're my base. They remind of who I used to be, and make me feel good about who I am now. 

 

Like Carrie Bradshaw said, 'Maybe our girlfriends are our soul mates, and guys are just people to have fun with.' Right now, I couldn't agree more. 

The 'L' Word and How To Get Over It

"Don't drink wine, you only turn it into tears" someone once said.... Or in my case any form of Alcohol. 

So, I was out enjoying a few cocktails with the girls for one of their Birthdays last night, when we get a telephone call from our male friends saying they would like to come meet us. Mutual friends of The Lobster. Instantly I felt my heart drop to the pit of my stomach... is there just no escaping him?

This fear soon turned to anger when over the telephone they asked my friend that if I can forgive him, The Lobster will come too. 

Thankfully my friend had my back and told him outright NO! 

I can't believe the audacity of him, he knows he has done wrong but is still not man enough to apologise to me. 

As the drinks continued to flow so did the conversation... about him unfortunately. The drunken chats led to me in tears having a break down in the toilet. One of my good male friends (and a friend of his too) said 'Just admit it, you loved him didn't you'. 

It's something I have always denied, I would say it is more of an infatuation, but the fact that I am still hurting, that I cry at least 3 times a week, and can't get over it, then maybe I did love him in my own way. 

I don't think his friends understood why I was so angry and hurt, so I told them about the messages on Christmas Eve, and even they were shocked with his very best friend saying 'I've got the hump with him for how much he has upset you' which felt very sweet. 

I also thought I would throw in the fact that there were several occasions when he would cum in his pants whilst we was kissing... I mean I know I'm good, but really? Ultimate betrayal to embarrass him but I don't care. 

Back to the important issue.... How am I going to get over this? Yes, I am upset that he has his new silly little married girlfriend but the issue is still there has no been apology. 

I am going to give up waiting for an apology that will never come... If he can say things like that, he was never my friend to begin with. 

It all comes down to remembering your worth and praying that karma really is a bitch. 

Any self help tips out there on how to get over someone? Please send. 

Back to Black... Remembering The Bad Times

So I had my suspicions the Lobster was seeing someone, he told me so himself but I didn't take much notice. 

However, I saw some friends of his last night who informed me of the girls name and that she is not local ( I have an idea who it might be) and it kinda bummed me out for the following reasons;

1. - She's not local. Typical commitment phobic behaviour, going for someone that is not that available / wont last. I have seen him have a long distance relationship previously. 

2. He has pursued someone else. He never put in any effort for me. What was wrong with me? Was I not worth it?

3. I miss him. I just want my friend back. Even though he has not apologised for the hurtful words and vile behaviour at christmas. 

I know, I get it right. 

HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. 

But that doesn't stop it from hurting. 

When I finally called a day on our situation I felt ok, it was on my terms I knew it wasn't getting me anywhere, but since hearing that he has moved on and is seeing someone else it has really thrown me. It don't help that I myself have not met anyone, I don't even feel remotely ready to yet. 

I have spent today in a black mood, feeling sorry for myself very Bridget Jones style, thinking how much I miss him, but do I actually really want him or not?

The thing is, we forget the bad stuff ever happened and look back fondly on the good times, but things ended for a reason. I need to remember the countless times I cried myself to sleep, had sleepless nights due to stress and how low and worthless he actually made me feel most of the time. 

So if you have ever been in a similar position repeat after me...

I.DESERVE.BETTER.