Am I a Drama Magnet?

When I returned back from travelling this summer, the one night stand from last summer got in touch (he was my get under to get over). We spoke briefly for a while after that one night, and I told him this was a strictly one night thing and there would be no rendezvous and he was happy with that. 

However, we got talking again when he got in touch, it was mainly him doing all the talking - I was not in the slight bit interested, still in holiday romance mood with the Australian. He was quite persistent, even though on many occasions I told him to 'Piss off and stop being a pest' but over time he has grown on me, he easy to talk to and actually quite funny. 

As mean as it is to say that, out of boredom I thought I would take his advances into consideration a little more, so I begun to respond. I told him all about my travels, the Australian, he told me he had split up with his girlfriend (who he was actually on a break with the night we slept together so it came as no surprise to hear they had broken up) and about girls he has been dating and talking to since. 

We got on. It was nice. So we started talking about meeting again.

He said he liked me because I am funny and no drama - it would be very much just about sex. He does not want a girlfriend and I am leaving the country in less than three months. 

After a few failed dates when we had planned to meet, he actually surprised me by turning up to my work whilst I was there and bought me a bar of my favourite chocolate. 

It is of course the most menial of tasks, but no one has done anything like that for me in a long time... If ever! So I was slightly impressed. 

We finally got a date in the diary for our second night stand, I went to his and it was actually really nice. The sex was pretty good, better than the first time, it wasn't awkward at all. I stayed over, we laughed,  we cuddled, he made me breakfast and dropped me to the station so I could make my way to work the next morning. 

It was all good, we spoke for the rest of the day - THEN - over the weekend, we are snap chatting away and he comments on my friends, inviting one over which was actually quite funny at first, then saying he would 'Princess her off' about another. 

Yes, it was funny at first but not when you keep going on about it when I only had sex with you two nights ago. 

It pissed me off. So I deleted his number for a little while, just to allow myself to cool down, but he picks up on it when he looks at WhatsApp to see my picture and last seen gone. 

I didn't even think boys looked at these things? We had a bicker, then Monday he ignores me all day, we spoke in the evening then he brings it up - He says he doesn't want any attachment, and that although I say the same according to him my reaction said something different, and that it's drama. 

Maybe I did react in the wrong way - but he always has been an annoying person and I tell him this all the time - I just thought it was another one of those things. 

I honestly thought he was just trying to test me, press my buttons to see how far he can push me and suss me out - and he has won. 

I told him he was wrong, and that I too am not into drama and that we should maybe leave it here.... All he replied was 'Agreed' and we have not spoken since. 

What has pissed me off more than anything is how much it has pissed me off - I was actually starting to like him - even though I know it can't go further because he doesn't want it to and I am leaving, he was growing on massively. And the fact he liked me because he said I was 'no drama' now he thinks I am drama - did I over react? I don't think so! 

I even had a little cry in the toilets today at work - I had forgotten how nice it was to spend the night with someone like I did with him - it has been ages since I have done that - this year I have had several love em and leave em nights  and I was good at the have sex, no feelings thing - so it has confused me into thinking that maybe I do want a relationship deep down (although not necessarily with him). 

So what if I am drama.... it has only served to remind me that I am human and do still have some feelings left after all. 

Oh yeah.... and that men are still all pricks. 

Grown Up Sex

Grown up sex... Cold heartless no feelings drunk sex. 

I've never really experienced this before, however all that changed on Friday. I was out drinking after work and was rather drunk after a few glasses of wine (it don't take me much) when I ran into an old school friend. I grew up with this boy, we went to primary school together, I've known him for as long as I can remember and it has always been a simple platonic friendship nothing more, maybe a little childhood crush but that was it... All of my girl friends in school had a crush on him. 

There is sometimes a bit of flirting but it has always been a banter thing - never have I really thought about him in any other way. After a few drinks and catching up on Friday he then says 'Let's get this sexual tension over with.... let's just do it then never talk about it again' 

In my drunken state I agreed, so I left without telling any of my friends and went back to his. In fits of unbelievable giggles at what I was doing - we did it. It was ok, nothing great but all in all a bit weird. I called a cab pretty much soon after and left like nothing happened. We made a pact that neither of us would mention it to anyone or each other ever again nor would we fall for each other and I can safely say that I never would nor would I want to return for a repeat performance. 

All in all I am a little embarrassed about the whole situation - it makes me cringe more than a turn on. Maybe it's because the local childhood heart-throb has now put on a bit of timber (his body was not great) and was only average in bed - disappointment. 

Who knows? But the fact is I had no feelings sex with no repercussions. This is a real grown up step for me - usually I think about it for weeks afterwards but this is one memory I want to burn away never to be thought of again! 

At least I know I can have no feelings sex now but it's not something I am going to make a habit of that's for sure! 

Bed Side Manners

So after my two little holiday romances it's opened up my eyes a bit. I know you shouldn't but when you sleep with someone I do tend to compare to other people I've slept with. 

But I can honestly say, both the guys had very good manners in bed that when compared to my ex made realise even more how very selfish he was. 

So, Toy Boy; a very cute tall, good looking, surfer style sweet guy with an enormous willy. 

I'd been volunteering and was in desperate need of a bikini wax, I was not expecting to sleep with anyone so hadn't addressed it that urgently. However as we're getting down to it I think I have to warn him. 

'I've got a really hairy noonie' I told him, 'How hairy?' He asks 'Like REALLY' and he replied with 'who cares' as he slid my knickers off and we continued which then totally put me at ease, although he did make a bit of a fuss about wearing condoms but soon got over it. But this is what impressed me, he asked where he could cum which I thought was quite considerate as the ex would never do this, and he even got tissues and cleaned me up with him after. 

'If he gets up to get the tissues he's a keeper' my friend said. 

Such a shame I didn't get his number. 

The Australian; so I admit I met him through tinder we'd been texting for a while but kept missing each other so when it was my last night I thought go for it. I was with a couple I know, the four of us went back to their penthouse suite and got very drunk in their hot tub in the hotel room! 

I decided we should go back to mine for a bit more privacy. He held my hand as we walked back chatting about our lives. 

He didn't complain about wearing condoms and he made sure I came first. 

Then the next morning as I woke with an awful hangover he was very caring, rubbing my back and playing with my hair. HUGE BROWNIE POINTS! He didn't rush off either, he hung around whilst I packed and got ready and carried all of my bags to the taxi for me which we shared and dropped him off as I made my way to the airport on to my next country. 

'I'm here for a good time, not a long time'  is a motto a girl I made friends with out there and I think it's one you can apply to all areas of life. 

I'm quite confident sexually, but it's always nicer when you're with someone that treats you well... Even if it just a one night stand. 

So don't forget your bed side manners. You'll get a lot more from it!

Love, Travel & Finding yourself - an update of the last six months.

Wow! It's been a while since I updated this blog. 

At the beginning of the year I went off on my little travelling adventure and hand on heart it was the best decision I ever made. I had the most amazing experience and miss it so much I plan to go away again next year as soon as I find the funds. 

I wouldn't say I've changed but perhaps my outlook and perception on life has. I've grown up and found myself a bit more. Before I went I was lost and confused, and although I've had a few wobbly days since returning I'm trying to keep this frame of mind. 

Life is too short, if you want to do something then do it. You'll always find a way to make things work. Worrying about what other people think is a waste of time. 

Any lovers? A couple, but when travelling and you have flights to catch and places to be the next day it's hard to stay in touch. 

There was the toy boy from Isle of Wight who left for Cambodia the next day, and we didn't swap numbers unfortunately, he was so good looking and had the HUGEST penis I've ever come into contact with - I am going to a festival in September though in Isle of Wight so if we see each other then it's fate. 

And then the Australian who was also VERY good looking but I think he may be Bi as he does have some gay tendencies. I left for Hong Kong the next day but we are still in touch a little bit and who ever knows we could meet up again when I take a trip over there the next year. 

Although they were just one night stand holiday romances both were such lovely boys. 

I'm still loving single life but maybe wouldn't mind finding someone to hang out with, not to necessarily settle down with but someone who's there for the long run and wants to explore the world with me. 

I am so much happier and in a better place than I was last year and long may it continue. 

I'm Single... Get Me Out Of Here.

Urgh, it's like I take 10 steps forward and 11 back. 

Last week I attended an event in which I knew Lobster and married girl were attending so of course I rocked up looking fucking fabulous, air kissing and schmoozing with everyone without a care in the world. But it was all an act. 

Inside I felt on edge, nervous and shit. And it's left me in a crappy mood for the remainder of this week. Once the night was over I broke down, not because I still want him but because the things he did and said still affect and hurt me. He left me with no confidence, and although I put on a bloody good show I'm not 100% over it. I'm over him, just not the situation. 

So when I was crying (I blame the wine) all my good friends (male and female) were surrounding me trying to make me feel better, saying she hasn't got a patch on me (which I must admit is true) and saying how he's a looser, they're both disgusting for what they've done with their questionable morals and home wrecking ways. 

One friend who sat at the same table for a little while says the girl sat there openly taking about the fact she cheated on her husband with no shame. 

For someone that takes marriage and vows seriously I find this highly offensive whilst the looser sat there without a care in the world. Gross, just gross. 

What's bugging me is that she is befriending a lot of what I would call my friends. Of course it's going to happen, she's moved to this area and doesn't know anyone and I don't think she would have many friends left in her hometown either, but it's really pissed me off. Not that I'm going to let anyone know this fact. 

Tonight it came up on my newsfeed that they are going out with a few other couples whom I know. But I also know that nearly every single one of them boyfriends have cheated... Some not that long ago. So enjoy your night out pretending but we know the truth.

I know I sound really bitter, as I cry into my pizza sitting in on a Friday night, but I find it fucking sickening. I have no faith in love, or men at the moment and I think that breaks my heart more than anything else. 

I don't know where I'm going but I know it'll be fun...

The last month or so I have made some pretty spontaneous and drastic descisions. I don't know what's happened but I like it.

First the one night stand, then I quit my job, now I plan to go travelling. 

Life is too fucking short to be unhappy or stay in one place. 

I don't know where I am going, but I like the journey it's taking me on and I know it'll be fun. 

If you would have told me this time last year that I would be planning this I would have never believed you. I was trying so hard to be the perfect girl for someone who didn't care. 

I haven't been happy in my job for sometime so I handed in my notice, without anything lined up, I plan to temp until Christmas (although they are now begging me to stay, so I will see if we can negotiate a deal that would be worth me staying until the end of the year).

The last few months, travelling has started to look more appealing, and when a friend mentioned Thailand for New Year, the words "Fuck it, shall we not come back" were the first to cross my mind. Even if I end up doing it on my own, I feel it's something I have to do.

The more I think about it, the more I want to do it. Breaking the news to my grandparents was the hardest, I haven't even booked a flight yet and my Grandad already looked like he was going to cry. Then my Mum helpfully explained "She hasn't got a boyfriend or anything here for her" Errrm, yeah thanks for reminding me Mother. 

But she's right, it's a now or never moment. I could stay here, settle for an ok job, carry on going to the same dead end places, with the same mundane people, save up for a car or to move out, the rest I would spend on getting so ridiculously drunk that I can't even remember my own name... Or I could go and see the world, experience new things and live to the fullest. Then come home and do all that boring settling down stuff. 

So here are some corny quotes that sum up my feelings right now; 

Setting My Moving On Goals

'What do you want to achieve from this?' my therapist replied to me during our first session last week when I asked how do I know when I have had enough. 

This made me think, there are several factors really; 

1 - To be able to control my emotions

 (I would hate to be an emotional mess if I ever do run into the lobster one day. I have too much pride to give anything away. I don't want him to know how much he has hurt me and how that has affected me)

2 - To stop dwelling on the past

3 - To just generally get over it and move on.  

So how do you achieve this? I am yet to figure it out, and hope we will work through on this in this weeks session. 

Last week we acknowledged a few things such as I never once mentioned the 'L' word. Love.  I am not sure if I ever was in 'love' with him. I would never say that word due to the fear of being rejected. But maybe I did?

I have also come to face the fact that, yes it really has hurt and upset me and that it is okay to feel this way. It is better to let it out rather than bury it. 

The final thing was that, I built him up to be this person that he wasn't and to sum it up I was potentially in love with a person that never existed. He is not the person I thought he was or made him out to be. 

I am intrigued to see how we move on from here now, and interested in what she has to say this week.

In other news, my tinder date blew me out. I wasn't too fussed, but still a little bit disappointed. 

I have also been spending time with my friend who has her own lobster situation with a bad apple. I can see myself in her and history repeating itself and she knows this too. 

The sad thing is watching her makes me miss my lobster, to see how happy and excited it makes her when she see's or speaks to him. 

I need some more dates. 

The 'L' Word and How To Get Over It

"Don't drink wine, you only turn it into tears" someone once said.... Or in my case any form of Alcohol. 

So, I was out enjoying a few cocktails with the girls for one of their Birthdays last night, when we get a telephone call from our male friends saying they would like to come meet us. Mutual friends of The Lobster. Instantly I felt my heart drop to the pit of my stomach... is there just no escaping him?

This fear soon turned to anger when over the telephone they asked my friend that if I can forgive him, The Lobster will come too. 

Thankfully my friend had my back and told him outright NO! 

I can't believe the audacity of him, he knows he has done wrong but is still not man enough to apologise to me. 

As the drinks continued to flow so did the conversation... about him unfortunately. The drunken chats led to me in tears having a break down in the toilet. One of my good male friends (and a friend of his too) said 'Just admit it, you loved him didn't you'. 

It's something I have always denied, I would say it is more of an infatuation, but the fact that I am still hurting, that I cry at least 3 times a week, and can't get over it, then maybe I did love him in my own way. 

I don't think his friends understood why I was so angry and hurt, so I told them about the messages on Christmas Eve, and even they were shocked with his very best friend saying 'I've got the hump with him for how much he has upset you' which felt very sweet. 

I also thought I would throw in the fact that there were several occasions when he would cum in his pants whilst we was kissing... I mean I know I'm good, but really? Ultimate betrayal to embarrass him but I don't care. 

Back to the important issue.... How am I going to get over this? Yes, I am upset that he has his new silly little married girlfriend but the issue is still there has no been apology. 

I am going to give up waiting for an apology that will never come... If he can say things like that, he was never my friend to begin with. 

It all comes down to remembering your worth and praying that karma really is a bitch. 

Any self help tips out there on how to get over someone? Please send. 

Lessons from the Lodger

Recently we have had one of my Mother's relatives move into the spare room (Yes, I do still live at home with my parents at the age of 25. The shame) 

Well... I thought my love life was bad, but she makes me feel better about myself. 

In her 50's she spends the majority of her spare time on dating sites, chasing exes and starting new hobbies that never fully develop. 

All the men she meets are creeps, you can tell from the offset, although her crazy ways do scare them off (I admit I can be obsessive but if it's a family trait that gets worse with age then god.help.me) 

They're all after one thing. She recently met up with one of her exes and they had sex. In a field. When she came home with muddy boots I told her theres a word for that... Dogging. 

'He may look like an old git, but he makes up for it in other ways. He has more stamina than an 18 year old boy' she informs me. 

This evening I came home to a note saying she has gone to visit another ex for the weekend. He don't want to know her one minute but as soon as he clicks his fingers she goes running. 

I feel like the more mature adult in the situation. When I was upset recently she was very sympathetic but it's the type of advice I would take with a pinch of salt.

If you can't learn from your own mistakes, at least learn from other peoples. 

One Week Post Lobster

I am going to try to keep this blog anonymous as much as possible so I'll explain who the 'Lobster' is...

The Lobster is the one you always keep going back to (Phoebe Buffay in 'Friends' once used the expression referring to  to Ross and Rachel's relationship). 

Anyhow, the situation with my lobster has been going on for about five years. 

Five years where he has never wanted to commit, five years of your parents asking you whats going on and not being able to explain, five years of never knowing where you stand, five years without so much as a birthday card or Christmas present. Five years of give, give, give with little in return. 

To make things more awkward, lobster is in my friendship group which is why it has probably gone on so long. 

I / we have said we are going to stop this ridiculous situation on numerous occasions, but we always seem to end up back in bed together. And after five years I am embarrassed. Embarrassed that I have allowed myself to be treated in such a way and let it happen time and time again. 

Dont get me wrong, I have a lot of love for the Lobster, but it is never going to be how I want or have daydreamed about. 

Even my friends don't take me seriously anymore when I tell them I'm putting a stop to it. 

Time for me to get out there... I want to meet husband material soon. 

Mid-twenties... Clocks ticking and all that. 

I have only cried once or twice this week which is good going for me. 

Let's see how long I can go without falling back in the Lobsters claws this time.