What's your number?

How many people have you slept with? It's a question that many of us dread for a number of reasons. But does it still matter? 

My number is 5. I always say I'm quite proud that I can count on one hand the amount of people I've slept with, but I also think it's about time I put myself out there to experience a bit more. 

I lost my virginity when I was 14 with my first ever boyfriend, who I went out with till I was 16. 

After that it was a boy I met on my first girls holiday, a little holiday romance that left me devastated when nothing developed on returning home. 

After that I had a 2 1/2 year dry spell, whilst everyone was getting laid at uni I was the opposite focussing on my studies instead. Then came along The Lobster. An on/off, are they, aren't they, friends with benefits situation which again left me devastated when I fell hard, and he wanted nothing more. 

Between him was the one I don't really count, (we all have one) a kind of friend of the lobster who always flirted with me, so whilst we were 'off' and he was seeing another girl I thought I'd go one better and sleep with this guy. It was pretty lame. 

Then the one night stand. And that's my five. 

Whilst having this conversation with the girls the other day we all had different numbers and stories. One friend counted 6, two of whom she had 'recycled' meaning an ex or someone you've slept with before who you then went back to. Whilst the other friend counted 26, only one was a one night stand, the rest she had dated before sleeping with them. 

But does it matter? What would you say if your partner asked you this question? Sex Expert Tracey Cox says that no matter what you answered it's likely it would still be too many to a partner, even if had slept with 300 people. It is thought that the average 30 year old woman has slept with 8-10 people, but then what's the average? 

If my partner told me he'd slept with 100's of women I would hate it. The Lobster told me he had slept with around 15 people, and it made me feel sick. (I have issues I admit that) I don't think it's so much the number that counts but more the thought of your partner sleeping with someone else. 

Thoughts? What's your number and the stories behind them? 

Sexual Harassment In The Workplace

So maybe the title of this post is a little strong for what happened, but hear me out. 

I've recently started a new job, one of my old male contacts got in touch and offered me a position at his company. During the catch up / interview / meeting I congratulated him on his engagement to his long term girlfriend, and he mentioned how she said something that she was paranoid or had facebook stalked me and said 'she has an amazing body' fair enough maybe she did but WHY would you then tell me that? A little bit awkward but I let it pass. 

Anyhow, just two weeks in and a few of us have to visit a client in a different city, when arranging he joked about only booking one hotel room which made me feel very uncomfortable and not sure if it was a joke or not. Turns out only one room was booked and not rectified untill we arrived there. 

We work for the day, discuss his wedding plans then all go out for drinks in the evening (bear in mind I am the only female on this trip). He seemed like a lightweight when it came to keeping up with the other men, whereas I am quite used to drinking with the boys. However when he said let's call it a night, being professional I agreed it was time to get some sleep whilst the big boys stayed out to play. 

So walking down the hotel corridor he begins to say 'come back to my room' which I replied no, walking past his room he continues to walk with me towards mine and said he's staying there, I was like no you're not he then pulls me towards him as if to try and kiss me... I pushed him away instantly shouting 'What the fuck are you doing? You're engaged' and pushed him out of the room. 

Locking the door I was physically shaking, felt sick and on the verge of tears. It was only a phonecall to my friend that calmed me down! It made me feel cheap and dirty and down right furious. I feel violated. What ever made him think that I was interested? I'm not and never have been and I certainly have not led him on in the slightest. 

Am I overreacting here? 

My friend who works in a male dominated industry in the city says I should just brush it off and that the men she works with get drunk and do it all the time. It makes me so angry. 

The next morning I went for breakfast alone, I couldn't bare to speak to him but we then had an awkward 3hour car journey back just the two of us. However, he did mention he was sick when he got in as if that's some excuse or way of saying 'I was really drunk' and tell me 'You look hungover today' Fuck.You. 

I don't see him most days so in the office it's ok, I'm trying to remain as normal and professional as I can be but he literally makes my skin crawl and feel sick everytime I look at him now. I'm just going to suck it up and get on with my job as I am only there till January before I go off on my travels. 3 months and counting! 

Fair to say my man hating level is now off the roof. His poor fiancé. Another woman ending up with a man who don't deserve her. 

I'm Single... Get Me Out Of Here.

Urgh, it's like I take 10 steps forward and 11 back. 

Last week I attended an event in which I knew Lobster and married girl were attending so of course I rocked up looking fucking fabulous, air kissing and schmoozing with everyone without a care in the world. But it was all an act. 

Inside I felt on edge, nervous and shit. And it's left me in a crappy mood for the remainder of this week. Once the night was over I broke down, not because I still want him but because the things he did and said still affect and hurt me. He left me with no confidence, and although I put on a bloody good show I'm not 100% over it. I'm over him, just not the situation. 

So when I was crying (I blame the wine) all my good friends (male and female) were surrounding me trying to make me feel better, saying she hasn't got a patch on me (which I must admit is true) and saying how he's a looser, they're both disgusting for what they've done with their questionable morals and home wrecking ways. 

One friend who sat at the same table for a little while says the girl sat there openly taking about the fact she cheated on her husband with no shame. 

For someone that takes marriage and vows seriously I find this highly offensive whilst the looser sat there without a care in the world. Gross, just gross. 

What's bugging me is that she is befriending a lot of what I would call my friends. Of course it's going to happen, she's moved to this area and doesn't know anyone and I don't think she would have many friends left in her hometown either, but it's really pissed me off. Not that I'm going to let anyone know this fact. 

Tonight it came up on my newsfeed that they are going out with a few other couples whom I know. But I also know that nearly every single one of them boyfriends have cheated... Some not that long ago. So enjoy your night out pretending but we know the truth.

I know I sound really bitter, as I cry into my pizza sitting in on a Friday night, but I find it fucking sickening. I have no faith in love, or men at the moment and I think that breaks my heart more than anything else. 

Sorry I was too good for you.

It's a year today when I finally said 'I'm done'. 

After returning from Ibiza (my spiritual home) I realised enough was enough, it was on good terms until the explosive venomous arguement at Christmas happened which then led to therapy. But I'm in a good place now and I've learnt so much (especially about myself). 

Taking a step back and looking at the situation from a different view you see things much clearer. 

And I know you shouldn't do it but even comparing myself to the new girlfriend ( the one he met on her Hen Do, she got married, now they live together. Like you do.) I can see why it would have never worked out. My friends always said it but now I understand. He was intimidated by me. 

I'm educated, fun, confident, have a large group of different but good friends, I get to go to great events and mix with some amazing people, I get on with everyone, most people like me, I can be a little high-maintenance or spoilt at times, I love going out, and always try to make the best of myself and I wouldn't change myself easily for anyone. But I almost did. 

Not to be mean but looking at the new girlfriend I can see why he likes her, she's quiet, plain, basic, not many friends,  awful dress sense and follows him round like a lost puppy. He wants someone that makes him feel better about himself, someone he can control, someone a level below him that will look up to him and idolise him. The fact that she has now moved in with him having not even knowing each other a year, away from her family and friends says it all. 

Seeing pictures of her and seeing her out I actually feel a little bit sorry for her, trying to make new friends with everyone and just looking plain awkward. It can't be nice. 

I know sometimes relationships and marriage just don't work out but throwing it all away without really trying for some idiot who charmed you on one of your last nights of freedom (as exciting as it must of been) seems like a waste and I hope it's a descision the poor young, foolish girl doesn't live to regret. 

And I'm sorry (not really) that I was too good for you. 

Will I ever love again?

Will I ever love again? Will I ever let myself fully go and show my full self to another person? Will I ever allow myself to become so deeply emotionally involved? 

These are the questions I've been asking myself recently. And the honest answer is I don't know. 

In the past I've been cut so deep that it has left some painful emotional scars. And like a real life cut the scar tissue occasionally hurts to remind me there's still a healing wound there. 

Reminders of the lobster keep cropping up whether I go looking for them or not. I've pretty much erradicated everyone I possibly can from Social Media accounts and newsfeeds but there are still a few that filter through that I can't get rid off unfortunately. 

Overall I'm in a good place at the moment, I quit my job and have found temp work to save money to go travelling with which I am definitely doing... Partly because I am running away from it all and because I have the opportunity. But these are still the questions that keep me up at night... Especially when others seem to be able to move on so quickly with their lives. 

I have a sneaking suspicion that Lobsters girlfriend is moving in with him. Our relationship if you can call it that has been over for nearly a year now, but it took me so long to face up to my feelings and admit I'd been hit hard by it all that it feels shorter. 

I've had my fair share of dates and fun this year but nothing significant, I just can't seem to give myself away (not that this is a bad thing, I believe it to be a good quality) but I am at the point where I am over cautious and generally not interested in anyone but myself. 

I miss that loving, all consuming, can't think of anyone else infatuation. When I get it bad, I get it BAD. 

Now I just sound like a bad meatloaf song 'Can anybody find me somebody to love'. 

Goodnight xoxoxo 

I don't know where I'm going but I know it'll be fun...

The last month or so I have made some pretty spontaneous and drastic descisions. I don't know what's happened but I like it.

First the one night stand, then I quit my job, now I plan to go travelling. 

Life is too fucking short to be unhappy or stay in one place. 

I don't know where I am going, but I like the journey it's taking me on and I know it'll be fun. 

If you would have told me this time last year that I would be planning this I would have never believed you. I was trying so hard to be the perfect girl for someone who didn't care. 

I haven't been happy in my job for sometime so I handed in my notice, without anything lined up, I plan to temp until Christmas (although they are now begging me to stay, so I will see if we can negotiate a deal that would be worth me staying until the end of the year).

The last few months, travelling has started to look more appealing, and when a friend mentioned Thailand for New Year, the words "Fuck it, shall we not come back" were the first to cross my mind. Even if I end up doing it on my own, I feel it's something I have to do.

The more I think about it, the more I want to do it. Breaking the news to my grandparents was the hardest, I haven't even booked a flight yet and my Grandad already looked like he was going to cry. Then my Mum helpfully explained "She hasn't got a boyfriend or anything here for her" Errrm, yeah thanks for reminding me Mother. 

But she's right, it's a now or never moment. I could stay here, settle for an ok job, carry on going to the same dead end places, with the same mundane people, save up for a car or to move out, the rest I would spend on getting so ridiculously drunk that I can't even remember my own name... Or I could go and see the world, experience new things and live to the fullest. Then come home and do all that boring settling down stuff. 

So here are some corny quotes that sum up my feelings right now; 

One Night Stands and Selfies

After a 10 month dry spell (which is nothing by the way... I've gone 2 years dry before) my friends have been telling me to get out there, but I was adamant I would wait until I was ready and last night I was. 

I've been on a few dates, but nothing that even slightly whetted my appetite. However whilst out last night, there was a bit of flirting going on at the bar... And when this particular guy begun whispering dirty things in my ear it was game over for me. I was going over. 

I have never, ever done anything like this before, so at least I can now tick 'One night stand' off on my bucket list. (Please note, whilst it's all fun and games it's not something I would promote, it only dawned on me earlier how dangerous it could be, but my friends knew who I was with and they were at his friends after party) No.1 rule for one night stand... Always tell someone where you are. 

The sex was average, so it will definitely remain a one night stand as it was not that amazing to go back to. He was decent enough, good looking, respectful, we both discussed what we wanted from the evening, and even had a good chat and banter after. 

But it's how I felt after which was the best bit, I felt amazing. Liberated, powerful, free! Feminism and Girl Power. I could do such a thing and have no repercussions. I feel like I've grown from a girl into a woman.  

I wasted all of my early 20's on the lobster that it's only recently I've actually started living and gaining these life experiences. I am having so much fun!! 

I even handed my notice in at work as I believe life is too short to be unhappy. If you don't like something, make a change. 

I am now so confident and comfortable with myself and my choices and who I am as a person in general. I think this shows on dates, I can be silly and be myself and my new thing is to take a silly selfie with my date to send to friends. And one night stand guy was more than happy to oblige, in fact he even suggested it first, which has scored me huge cocktail points with the girls.