Will I ever love again?

Will I ever love again? Will I ever let myself fully go and show my full self to another person? Will I ever allow myself to become so deeply emotionally involved? 

These are the questions I've been asking myself recently. And the honest answer is I don't know. 

In the past I've been cut so deep that it has left some painful emotional scars. And like a real life cut the scar tissue occasionally hurts to remind me there's still a healing wound there. 

Reminders of the lobster keep cropping up whether I go looking for them or not. I've pretty much erradicated everyone I possibly can from Social Media accounts and newsfeeds but there are still a few that filter through that I can't get rid off unfortunately. 

Overall I'm in a good place at the moment, I quit my job and have found temp work to save money to go travelling with which I am definitely doing... Partly because I am running away from it all and because I have the opportunity. But these are still the questions that keep me up at night... Especially when others seem to be able to move on so quickly with their lives. 

I have a sneaking suspicion that Lobsters girlfriend is moving in with him. Our relationship if you can call it that has been over for nearly a year now, but it took me so long to face up to my feelings and admit I'd been hit hard by it all that it feels shorter. 

I've had my fair share of dates and fun this year but nothing significant, I just can't seem to give myself away (not that this is a bad thing, I believe it to be a good quality) but I am at the point where I am over cautious and generally not interested in anyone but myself. 

I miss that loving, all consuming, can't think of anyone else infatuation. When I get it bad, I get it BAD. 

Now I just sound like a bad meatloaf song 'Can anybody find me somebody to love'. 

Goodnight xoxoxo 

I don't know where I'm going but I know it'll be fun...

The last month or so I have made some pretty spontaneous and drastic descisions. I don't know what's happened but I like it.

First the one night stand, then I quit my job, now I plan to go travelling. 

Life is too fucking short to be unhappy or stay in one place. 

I don't know where I am going, but I like the journey it's taking me on and I know it'll be fun. 

If you would have told me this time last year that I would be planning this I would have never believed you. I was trying so hard to be the perfect girl for someone who didn't care. 

I haven't been happy in my job for sometime so I handed in my notice, without anything lined up, I plan to temp until Christmas (although they are now begging me to stay, so I will see if we can negotiate a deal that would be worth me staying until the end of the year).

The last few months, travelling has started to look more appealing, and when a friend mentioned Thailand for New Year, the words "Fuck it, shall we not come back" were the first to cross my mind. Even if I end up doing it on my own, I feel it's something I have to do.

The more I think about it, the more I want to do it. Breaking the news to my grandparents was the hardest, I haven't even booked a flight yet and my Grandad already looked like he was going to cry. Then my Mum helpfully explained "She hasn't got a boyfriend or anything here for her" Errrm, yeah thanks for reminding me Mother. 

But she's right, it's a now or never moment. I could stay here, settle for an ok job, carry on going to the same dead end places, with the same mundane people, save up for a car or to move out, the rest I would spend on getting so ridiculously drunk that I can't even remember my own name... Or I could go and see the world, experience new things and live to the fullest. Then come home and do all that boring settling down stuff. 

So here are some corny quotes that sum up my feelings right now; 

One Night Stands and Selfies

After a 10 month dry spell (which is nothing by the way... I've gone 2 years dry before) my friends have been telling me to get out there, but I was adamant I would wait until I was ready and last night I was. 

I've been on a few dates, but nothing that even slightly whetted my appetite. However whilst out last night, there was a bit of flirting going on at the bar... And when this particular guy begun whispering dirty things in my ear it was game over for me. I was going over. 

I have never, ever done anything like this before, so at least I can now tick 'One night stand' off on my bucket list. (Please note, whilst it's all fun and games it's not something I would promote, it only dawned on me earlier how dangerous it could be, but my friends knew who I was with and they were at his friends after party) No.1 rule for one night stand... Always tell someone where you are. 

The sex was average, so it will definitely remain a one night stand as it was not that amazing to go back to. He was decent enough, good looking, respectful, we both discussed what we wanted from the evening, and even had a good chat and banter after. 

But it's how I felt after which was the best bit, I felt amazing. Liberated, powerful, free! Feminism and Girl Power. I could do such a thing and have no repercussions. I feel like I've grown from a girl into a woman.  

I wasted all of my early 20's on the lobster that it's only recently I've actually started living and gaining these life experiences. I am having so much fun!! 

I even handed my notice in at work as I believe life is too short to be unhappy. If you don't like something, make a change. 

I am now so confident and comfortable with myself and my choices and who I am as a person in general. I think this shows on dates, I can be silly and be myself and my new thing is to take a silly selfie with my date to send to friends. And one night stand guy was more than happy to oblige, in fact he even suggested it first, which has scored me huge cocktail points with the girls. 

D Day... An open letter.

Last week, 25th June, marked 6 months till Christmas. However I counted it as six months since last Christmas. 

The day when it felt like my heart had shattered into a tiny million pieces. 

It was clearly marked in my diary... Some point during the weeks after that awful day I had set the date as my D Day. If I still felt the same by this set date, I would contact the Lobster. Thank Fuck, I managed to get over it before this date came around. 

The last six months, have been some of the most funniest, random and happiest moments I've had, even after the emotional turmoil I thought would never end. It's true what they say, that time is a great healer. I feel like I needed to go through that pain to find myself, to get to know and realise who I am and what I want and what I am willing to stand for and put up with in a relationship. (With a little help from my friends, sister and a few therapy sessions). 

Sometime's it's not the person you can't get over, but the hurtful things they did and said. 

So here's my open letter; 

There has been a million scenarios in my head in which I have planned as to what I would say to you if I saw you, but when I did there was nothing to say. Looking at you made me feel empty inside. You looked sad and slightly ashamed, it didn't make me gloat or feel sad or feel better. Just nothing. You had sucked and drained me of every emotion possible, there was nothing left. You were just a stranger in a room.

 You also looked homeless and not in a chic way. 

No one has ever caused me so much pain or hurt me as deep as you have. 

Yes, I could give as good as I got, and would call you a Cunt on a regular basis, but if you wasn't so Cunty I wouldn't have had to call you one. I only ever wanted to hurt you back as much as you hurt me, because deep down although I never admitted it or said it out loud,I loved you. I. Loved. You. (It took a lot of therapy to get that out). 

 Normal people don't go around destroying other human beings. That's how I felt that day. Destroyed. 

It's not just my feelings you destroyed. I dread to think of those you hurt along the way in shacking up with you're girlfriend whom you met on her Hen Party (at one of the worst clubs I have ever been to) after 3 months of marriage? Classy. I do still sometimes look at what you're up to, but more out of curiosity than anything.

I have learnt to accept you will never grow some balls and apologise, but that's fine by me. I've gained friends, whilst you've lost the great ones we shared. 

I have nothing at all else to say, but I hope you know what it feels to have felt like that day. Some day. One day. 

Independent Woman

'All my women who independent, throw your hands up at me' - I'm sure I'm not the only one who spent their teen years singing along to this Destiny's Child song along with the rest of the 'Writings on the wall' album which was all about strong women and not relying on a man.... But what happens when you become too independent? Or too used to being on your own? 

I love my little life, my little bubble. I've recently been talking to a guy, a friend of a friend (we plan to meet up for a drink this Friday) he seems like a good one, funny, quite good looking, texts me first etc etc....

However, this is where I get freaked out. He's not a bug-a-boo at all.... Yet anyway. But he will text me most days, general chit chat, and he calls too. 

There's nothing wrong this I know, it's nice. But I feel I have got so used to be being on my own and not having to reply or answer to people that I start to ignore him, I don't mean to do it on purpose and I don't want to loose him before I've even got him but I'm finding it hard. 

All my friends have told me I need to be more accessible as I'm becoming known as the girl who's too high maintenance and too much hard work (even though I quite like that title). 

I feel like I am stuck in the lobster days, where he would ignore me or say I was bugging him by calling for a chat that I am now the total opposite. 

My experience with him has made me quite reserved, whereas I should be more open towards people. 

As my friend and fellow blogger @27Single told me "If you made yourself any more unavailable you wouldn't exist".

The Perfect Opportunity... But I'll Pass Thanks.

On Saturday evening I went out for dinner and drinks with an old school friend of mine who recently ended her 7 year relationship and engagement and our wonderful gay friend and his lovely boyfriend. 

After a lovely dinner and a few civilised drinks, the lovers decided to go home for an early night so us single girls were left to our own devices.... So we went to the club. 

After a few cringey chat up lines such as "Look at my new 4grand watch.... I bought a new Range Rover today" (#OnlyInEssex) My response was to laugh, tell him to Fuck Off and get really drunk in able to cope with the sort of night it was going to be. 

Anyhow, my friend had her eye on someone so we made our way over. 

Cut a long story short, we ended up going back to a random boys mansion, with heated pools, saunas and steam room, however I wasn't impressed that we wasn't even offered a cup of tea or even an alcoholic beverage for that matter. What sort of after party was this?!? 

So we headed back to my friends with her beau and his friend in tow. After getting in and having and a cup of tea finally... It was 5:30 by now. It was obvious my friend was hitting it off with her guy so I was left awkwardly with the annoying friend. 

Embarrassingly I was sick (as usual) before bed and all I wanted to do was sleep. 

So when this guy starts hugging me tightly and trying to spoon me and rub my body I politely (abruptly) told him... 'STOP THAT. Get off me please'

I was in bed with a guy for the first time in  9 months. It was my perfect opportunity to get under someone to get over someone, to loose my born again virginity but I just was not feeling it at all. Plus he was 5 years my junior... I probably would have scared the poor boy to death. 

I think you know when you know, therefore I am going to wait for when I know it's right and not just sleep with someone for the sake of it. 

In the meantime I better top up on batteries. Ha. 

The Consequences of being a Party Girl

I have had such a fun bank holiday weekend but I am well and truly feeling the effects of it today.

Since the road to recovery of my broken heart began I have been enjoying going out and getting drunk with my girls a lot more, but it's not just the physical effects that are catching up on me... The hangovers, the bloating, sickness, and break outs, it's also been an eye opener. 

This weekend I was out with my guy and girl friends... (Lobster who was in attendance and we did a fabulous job of ignoring each other, although there were a few awkward moments when we caught eye contact. I had a fab night singing and dancing while he was left looking awkward standing on his own on many occasions throughout the night. HA) 

Anyhow, when it came to the end of the night one of the guys who has a girlfriend and a new born baby begins flirting of sorts with a friend of a friend. 

She's single and fully allowed to choose who she sleeps with. But what annoyed me is the lengths this guy was going to to cover his lieing cheating arse. 

Telling her a fake name, whilst telling me to 'shut up' and basically getting his story straight with me that if anyone asks me I should say that he was never at the the afterparty we went back to... Almost like blackmail as I know he's not a very nice person and he would probably turn nasty if I ever breathed a word. 

Although it's totally wrong, it's not my business to say anything. I don't know the girlfriend in question well enough to get involved, and she probably wouldn't believe me anyway. If she was one of my good friends I wouldn't hesitate to expose him. 

The guys at the after party were actually scared of me calling me a 'Dangerous Girl' as 'I know too much'. 

The fact is, I am a nice girl, a real girls girl and I get on with most people, boys and girls. I'm friends with a lot of the boys but I've never slept with any of them (apart from the Lobster and we all know how that turned out). 

What makes it worse, is this guy is all over social media stating how much he loves his girlfriend and posting adorable photos of his baby, which I don't doubt for a second so why the hell cheat?! 

So as much as I love being a party girl, it has done very little to restore my faith in men... In fact I think I have completely lost it.

However, it is a lesson noted for when I do settle down.